Butterfly

In the dim background of our mind we know what we ought to be doing but somehow we cannot start…

It had been a year after our daughter was born and there were still no signs that her father was going to do anything about our cohabiting arrangement. He had promised to do right by me and get married but nothing ever materialised. I suggested a court wedding since he did not have money to pay lobola , he blatantly said no. I tried the “tsvakirai kuno” route and there was still no luck there. Then I finally thought if we went to visit his relatives to make things official he would agree, but just like all the other suggestions I had made, he still would not budge. I know you are probably asking yourself why I was going through all these desperate steps to keep this man in my life. You see, we had been cohabiting for a year, I got pregnant along the way, a lot of drama happened in-between but in the end we decided we would get married. 

I played all the wifely duties, cooked, cleaned, washed and sexed him just like any normal woman would for a man she loved. Two years later, nothing had happened. I threw in the towel, realised this was never going to happen and there was no happy ever after and called it quits. We broke up, I asked him to pack his belongings and leave because there was no point in staying with someone who did not love me or wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Enter the drama… Broken, vengeful, hurt, disappointment, rejection, bitterness… I felt all those things and more when I realised the man I loved enough to die for was not going to and did not want to marry me. Heck, he didn’t even fight for me, he just up and left. And to show him how much I had “moved on” I got myself into a relationship faster than the speed of lightning. I remember my good friend telling me not to get myself meddled up in a new relationship, but no, I did not even stop to give her advice a second thought, all I wanted to do was show the father of my child that even though he did not want to be with me someone else out there was going to be there for me and even marry me while he was at it. A complete recipe for disaster I must say, but when you are in the situation you do not realise it.

So there was sunshine and butterflies all over the show. We took photos, went for outings and went on and on about how much we were in love on both Twitter and Facebook. For a moment there I did believe that I was in love again. He was a sweet guy, he had his insecurities though. Looking back now; that if the tables were turned I would have probably felt the same way too. I went all out in trying to prove how “happy” I was, even though deep inside I was on a mission to try and change him into the man the father of my child was. That didn’t go too well either because they were two different people. We still soldiered on though, “happily in love”, he introduced me to his family and friends and everything was going according to plan. A few months down the line he proposed and we got engaged. Now, what more could I possibly ask for? I was living the life I had always dreamed of for me, my daughter and the father of my child; with the wrong person!

It was only when I heard the news that the father of my child had married someone else that it dawned on me that I was not over him and this “relationship” I was in was a big facade! I was out with my friends on that very day. We were having drinks and “Baby Can I Hold You” by Further Notice was playing in the background. I have never cried so hard and with so much pain all my life, even labour pains could not have been that painful. I was hurt, confused, traumatised, a million and one tormented feelings, I felt them all at that moment. I didn’t understand how he could get married to someone else in a space of fewer than six months and yet I had waited for two whole years for him to commit to me!!

A whole lot of other things happened after that, which included me breaking things off with the rebound guy. I had baggage and issues to address and it was pretty sad that I had to drag someone into my life at a time like that. I somehow felt sorry for him, but in the end, he turned out to be a douche (a story for another day). I decided to go on a man cleanse and face my issues and find out how I ended up with a broken heart from a man I loved.

I sat down, looked myself in the mirror and asked myself a whole lot of questions. 

• HOW did I end up with someone who did not reciprocate my love? 
• WHY did I stay in the relationship for so long even though I saw the red flags when we were still dating? 
• WHAT I was going to do about the whirlwind of emotions and heartbreak I was facing??

The steps of how to get over a heart-break were simple when I searched for them on Google. Shock, Denial, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. I thought it was going to be a walk in the park but it was not. I stayed in some steps for longer than the others. I wonder what my life would be like if I did not have WhatsApp at the time? However, when I look back this episode of my life contributed towards depression later on in my life. I confided in a close friend and my mother and we would talk about what I was feeling and going through. That helped me. Everyone needs close friends and family they can sit down and have a heart to heart with.

After all was said and done I finally let go of the idea of ever being with the man I thought was “the love of my life”. A year of mixed emotions coupled with a rebound relationship that did not need to be a part of my healing process; partying like there was no tomorrow and suffering from a hangover every single day throughout December 2013 made me realise this thing called love isn’t the problem but making wrong decisions led me to a heartbreak that nearly took my life.

I learned a few lessons though through my experience. When you break up it’s important to take time to be on your own. Go through the grieving process, feel the pain and loss of not having the person who was your everything, talk to a friend, watch the sad movies, if you go to work take days off to get yourself back together. If you do not follow the steps your heart will always be broken and you will never completely heal. 

Even after the heartache and pain, I would still like to believe that love is a beautiful thing. When you find the person who loves you unconditionally and you feel the same way it will be the best feeling that you have ever experienced in this lifetime.

“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet become something so beautiful.”     

 

MaKupsy