I have some major trust issues. I keep wondering if I will ever get past them. I am that one person who never takes your word without dissecting it first and then eventually deciding on whether I should believe it or not. My relationships have been strained because of this.
Once upon a time I believed every single thing someone told me. Especially where relationships were concerned. I was so naive; when I look back I actually want to slap myself! I have had a couple of things happen to me that made me question the choices I have made. Those things are the very reason why I can’t get myself to fully open up and let anyone in emotionally. In my head I keep thinking if I let them in I am giving them the power to hurt me or do the worst to me.
At the same time I blame myself for dating the same type of guys. When I look back I realise that there was a pattern. They all had similarities somehow. They may not have been the same person but they sure ended up behaving in somewhat the same manner. How messed up is that?
I think it’s simply a case of wanting what I can’t have. Sometimes I would get into a relationship knowing fully well that someone did not like me as much as I like them and get all shocked when things went wrong as if I didn’t see it in the beginning. This is the kind of shit that lands me into trouble! Most of the relationships I have been in have been so dramatic I had to ask Google, friends, and myself if the person I was dating really was into me. Last time I checked if someone really loves you, you feel it deep inside you and you don’t have to question anyone or even yourself, you just know it.
To be honest, I have repeatedly experienced betrayal and deceit, having to trust the next person is just a tall order for me. Or maybe sometimes I have had insecurities that have stemmed from the one person I truly loved making me feel that I was not worthy of love and that just damaged my self esteem.
They say you take it one day at a time right? Yes, I have been doing that. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very happy individual but some days I have moments like today where I just sit and wonder if I will ever trust anyone again. I have learnt from my past experiences, I have moved forward from them. I am in the process of separating the past from the present and slowly judging everyone as a completely different individual and hoping and praying for a happy ever after.
I don’t think you just get to trust again overnight, it is a process that will take some time. I know I still have trust issues though, the only good thing is that I don’t get worked up and go into investigation mode anymore when I have a feeling something is up. That is definitely a good thing coming from me!