It’s All Fun & Games Until You Start Staying Together!

Dating can be a really fun experience.  From the dates, the gifts,the getting to know each other phase.  Your partner seems perfect, too perfect sometimes you start thinking they might be too good to be true.  In my opinion it’s like that because you don’t get to spend ALL your time with them.  I think the one time you truly get to find out who you are dating is when you start living together.  I once tried out cohabiting and the first few months were bliss.  Nothing can compare to waking up next to the person who makes your heart go pitter-patter.  Lovely as it may seem, there are a few issues that come with living together, let me list a few of them.  This was my experience…

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Sleeping Patterns

I sleep really early.  On a good day I am lights out anytime before 9:30pm.  When I go to sleep I want complete darkness in the room and no background noise.  That wasn’t the same for my partner.  He loved watching TV in bed and he used to wake up at ungodly hours to watch NFL games.  You can imagine how annoyed I got because that meant I would be wide awake and most times I had work the next day and that just made me very cranky come morning.  He was happy he got to watch the game, I was pissed off because I didn’t have enough sleep.  Drama, drama!

Bad Habits

We all have our little bad habits that are magnified once we start spending all our time with someone. Things like:

  • not putting the toilet seat back down when you finish using the loo.
  • not flushing after you finishing doing whatever business you choose to partake in in the loo.
  • farting in the presence of your partner. I know this one becomes inevitable after staying together for a long time BUT personally, it’s a no no.
  • not picking up after yourself.
  • not making the bed, in my world if you are the last one to leave the bed it’s your job to sure you make it, sounds fair to me.

Household Chores

This can be a real train smash if one of you is lazy.  You might end up feeling taken for granted because all the household chores will be on your list of things to do.  From experience I have concluded that everyone has something that they don’t mind doing housework wise and something they absolutely can’t stand!  For example, I don’t mind doing laundry, it’s the ironing part I can’t deal with.  I used to do all the laundry and once it was dry I would fold it and pack it away and iron as I go.  My partner found it absolutely ridiculous.  He believed once laundry was done it had to be ironed there and then. For the sake of peace and progress we split that chore and made sure I washed and he ironed, everyone is happy.  However, the other chores around the house were a real mission because he was lazy and I ended up doing everything else and resented him as each day passed by.

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Finances

I like saving for a rainy day.  I am that one person who probably has some money stashed away somewhere for emergencies.  I don’t believe in spending all my money and then worrying about how I am going to get to my next pay cheque.  My partner on the other hand loved blowing his money.  We would sit down, draw up a budget and agreed that come end of the month we would do a,b,c,d.  You don’t know what frustration is until you get home and find out that your partner has bought a $50 shirt that wasn’t a part of the budget and now you have to forgo important things that month.  It’s at that point that you realise that people clearly have different priorities.  Don’t get me wrong, getting yourself new things is all fine and dandy but when you have talked about things beforehand it would be important to communicate such decisions for the sake of peace and progress.

Sex

This blog would be incomplete without mentioning  sex.  Trust me when I tell you, the sex will be amazing.  Well, it was for me.  Sex at any time of day, no need to send a message asking “Sweetiepie how long are you going to take to get here?” when you are feeling hot and bothered because you have your partner with you.  You can explore, experiment and get enough the orgasms because there is no rush to go anywhere.  BUT there is obviously a big but in this; when things are not going well between a couple especially due to some of the issues I have mentioned above sex might not even happen.  Couples that are usually unhappy end up not having sex and just become room mates who happen to share a bed.  Thankfully we didn’t experience this because maybe we were just sex addicts (if sex saved relationships we would probably still be together) but for some I have heard that you can go a pretty long time without sex when your partner is mad at you.

Depression

This is an actual thing!  When you stay with someone chances of feeling depressed are actually very high especially when things are not going well between the two of you.  I remember we used to have cases where after a verbal fight he would walk out of the house and not come back.  Sometimes he would go for a whole weekend and I would be worried sick to my stomach not knowing if him walking away meant we had broken up, if he was alive, if he still wanted to talk to me…I had a million questions going through my head and him not picking up my calls or replying my messages made me all the more miserable.  I ended up feeling depressed and even after he came back and we talked things through in my heart I was never settled because I kept thinking one day he is going to walk away and never come back.  I had no hold on him, after all we were cohabiting and not legally married…

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To be honest, if you are thinking of cohabiting I say give it a try knowing that it might actually work out for you and if marriage is the end goal for both of you it might happen.  They say compromise is key right?  If you find that special someone you can gladly compromise then by all means don’t let my experience stop you.

Personally I won’t try it again, I have crossed out my bucket list in that department.  It was beautiful while it lasted but I love my space too much to have anyone else all up in it.  All that freedom to just be myself and do absolutely nothing all day in peace is priceless.  Then again I can’t exactly be alone for the rest of my life it would be nice to have someone to share all my highs and lows.  What would probably work would be staying in different apartments in the same building but we are still a couple or just getting married and buying a big house where you can always retreat to a different room when you are feeling upset and reconcile when you have cooled down…

After all is said and done, what matters the most is how you feel about each other and how far you are willing to go to make your relationship.  Do what works for you and for the betterment of your living arrangement because at the end of the day what’s important is your happiness.  When you decide to stay with your partner get in it with open eyes and an open heart.

Have you been in a cohabiting scenario before.  How did it work for you?  Are you still together with your cohabiting partner?  Are there any tips you would want to share on how to make living together more manageable?  Are you pro or anti cohabiting?

©MaKupsy 2016

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16 thoughts on “It’s All Fun & Games Until You Start Staying Together!

  1. Good day. In short I would say “Yes” I had been in a cohabiting scenario. I feel ours worked because it was towards are marriage and it did not last long before we officially became one. We are still together with my partner now its past 6 years.
    My contribution towards managing living together is that, as a person you should set standards in your life and be able to tolerate the differences in standards in a positive way. I mean be able to accept that he/she can not do it the way I do it. But for a fact never allow your standards to go down for good in the name of living together but pick it up for him/her to raise the bar in your lives.The differences you have spice up the union as it brings new things in your lives.
    On Sleeping Patterns: I feel the bedroom should be given the respect it deserves, its either us making the noise or nothing else.
    Bad Habits: I have learnt something here on making the bed, truly was bad on this i need to improve asap
    Household Chores: I feel men we like to assist much in doing most of these but we are not comfortable having it shared to every jack and … It has to be between us even if there are other things that i would have taken up as my role. If am not around or delayed wherever please do it do not say you have to be home now because its you who is cooking today. I feel bad if it goes that way …
    Finances: Myself am sharp in budgeting when am dead broke …. after that my financial discipline will make me follow what i would have planned when the money is there now. Lets share the plans both personal and for the union and using fair judgement the ideal ones will take precedence (… remember to tolerate hahaha)
    Sex: hmmmm let me leave this one to experts hahaha ….. this time i wont rate my experiences
    Depression: …serial killer… i feel in all you do whether emotional or normal …. consider the person next to you … please do not leave to regret share your feelings now without hurting the next person.
    With experience I would say am pro cohabiting though spiritually its a no! Many unions are failing to last this phase because they over expect from their partners and when they fail to meet their expectation they opt out. Lets cohabit but know the limits.

    Thank you Makupsy I do enjoy how you give others your life experiences to learn from. Be blessed for that. I wish to have what it takes to write something about myself because hmmmm mine its a mixed bag hahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

    • WOW! This has to be the most informative comment I have received today. First of all, thank you for sharing your experiences on the subject and for reading.
      I will touch on a few matters that caught my attention. I am happy to note that you and your partner managed to get married and are still together.
      In my experience this cohabiting thing starts of as one too many sleepovers gone wrong and people end up staying together without an actual end game. I think it worked out for you because you guys both decided you were working towards marriage, which was a brilliant idea but how many of those cohabiting actually get that far?
      I’m glad you will be working on making the bed after all, that’s definitely a good thing, see how you learn new things everyday?
      I agree on the house chores part where you said one can say they want you to come home because it’s your duty to cook on a particular day. If you are home and you are free to do the cooking I say why not after all it’s about compromise right? As long as both parties are contributing towards a clean house that’s what important.
      *takes notes on not keeping the TV in the bedroom*

      I am happy to note that you enjoy reading my blog, I will make sure I keep sharing as much useful information as I can. Feel free to share the link on your social media pages.

      Have an awesome Monday and happy new month 🙂

      Like

  2. I am not a fan of cohabiting. Who would want to commit when he/she can get ALL the benefits of being in a marriage without being actually in it? That initial bliss and eventual disappointment also happens in marriages but the difference now is the level of tolerance and effort one is going to put into making the marriage work.
    Imagine going to a car dealership, getting a car that you can drive around, to and fro work, can pay for it as and when you feel like, how many of us would eventually pay and commit to owning such a car? Wouldn’t we all drive around and eventually leave that car for another one (on exactly the same terms, if available)?
    Any lady who goes for cohabiting is effectively opening herself up to being used and discarded. It rarely works …and leaves her with less chances of getting married to another guy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Shingi, you just raised a very valid point here. There is NO WAY I would then go and commit to paying the full amount for an old model car which is manually operated when there are now the latest automatic cars!
      Yes, for marriage the spark will obviously burn out at some point but the beauty of it is that this is someone you would have committed to loving and taking care of for the rest of your life unlike someone you are in a “temporary situation” with; you can easily walk out of it in a heartbeat.
      Lastly, I have to agree on this one as well; the woman is usually on the losing end of the stick because a man can always go ahead and marry someone else and yet the woman was patiently waiting for something that was probably never going to happen.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for reading. 🙂

      Like

      • Now its interesting hahaha … whilst in most cases its the woman who is at the weak end I also feel there are some situations the man is on the weaker slot …. I have heard of a situation where the cohabiting benefited the woman because it appeared as if she wanted accommodation “maybe” because after college the relationship did not last …. the man was heartbroken …. 4 years lost hey!
        After going through Shingis contribution I am now anti cohabiting …. am now a father to a lovely daughter hmmmm let this stop now!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. this was fun.
    okay so I’ve been seeing this guy. and surprisingly….this shona guy to be precise (listen, its a big deal among South Africans what culture the guy you’re seeing is from)…he is the full package. loving, responsible, firm, confident and prides himself in the man that is. now that is some of the things i failed to see in a few shona guys I’ve come across.
    so anyways, on Tuesday he was like, “when are we starting to stay together?”
    my response was immediate and i was like, “after you pay ilobola”
    I said that because ama ‘vat & sit’ (cohabiting) have never had a good ending. i think when two people stay together without being married, its always at the back of your mine ukuthi “why must i put up with all of this when we are not even married.” so i think the level of commitment is just low from the get go.
    ayi kupsy wena you are my twin from another mother yazi. so he doesn’t cook, clean or wash. he doesn’t mind ironing. i hate ironing.
    he’s the kinda guy that says ”listen my work is not any chore in the house…you are the lady”
    i have my lazy days….i always joked about how i want to bring the bacon home and have a house husband to do all the chores.
    but now that i have started working…i don’t want to work forever. In-fact, if i can become a house wife this very second then i will. but not that i would have to sit at home and do all the chores. just to not work, wake up late, take a drive somewhere and chauffeur my kids around when the time comes.
    am anti-cohabiting. my question is: when living together in marriage, are there things i HAVE to do as the WIFE because ILOBOLA has been paid. or is it what you call compromise?
    i dont think i would mind doing all those things but i feel like i wouldnt want to do them all my life and one thing he insisted is that i will have to cook for him everyday of our lives.

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    • Hello there, thanks for the contribution 🙂
      Girl, this cohabiting thing is not for the faint hearted and like you rightly put it across “at the back of your head you will be thinking after all we aren’t married.” That’s what kills that kind of union.
      I am happy to note you have an amazing Shona guy, most of them are really good guys, I am also happy that he treats you right. You did the right thing by asking him to pay lobola first because if you don’t stand your ground you might end up as another statistic of a cohabiting arrangement gone wrong.
      Hahahaha you are funny, a house who? A house husband would be nice though but you know how guys would probably feel undermined at the end of the day. Being a stay at home mum would be nice but you just have to make sure you have something to keep you occupied because just being at home can also start being a bore.
      When it comes to marriage, in my opinion lobola is a token of appreciation to your parents for raising a lovely daughter. MOST men, from what people tell me are not about that housework life or cooking for their wife either. So this is something you and your boyfriend have to talk about beforehand. Alternatively you can always get a house maid and she can take care of that.
      But I will tell you this, Shona men love to eat their womans cooking so chances are yes, you will have to cook for him for the most part.
      Then again people are different but you might be one of the lucky few who gets the husband who is willing to bend a few social norms 🙂

      Like

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