I Have A Confession…

I never wanted to get married.

You know how girls get all excited from a very young age and plan their entire wedding from the wedding colour theme to the bridesmaids dresses and mostly the dress she will wear on her wedding day?  I wasn’t one of those girls.  All I ever wanted to be when I was all grown up was travel the world and be in some choreography related form of work. I tried looking for one of my old dream collage’s but I couldn’t locate it because it is probably somewhere at my parent’s house plus I am not a fan of clutter so I definitely wouldn’t find it at my place. The point of it was to show you just how back then it was not something I consumed myself with; this marriage thing.

So what changed you ask?  Because if you have read my blogs you know there is a post I mentioned that there was a time when all I ever wanted was to get married.  Well, circumstances changed.  I got pregnant.

Initially I actually remember telling the father of my child that I was not ready for marriage and he shared the same sentiments and we were actually fine with the arrangement.  Arrangements like that unfortunately don’t sit very well with our society especially if you are actually living together.  Months into our pregnancy family intervened and told us we were disrespecting our families and we had to get married.  I easily bought into the idea because I obviously didn’t want to bring any further “shame” to my family but the father of my child stood his ground and declared he would never marry in this lifetime.  (Guess who got married in just under six months after separating).

It was a really complicated phase of my life.  I remember days I was at work; visibly pregnant and my colleagues asking how my “husband” was.  I had to play along because the thought of telling them that we were just staying together would probably shock the lights out of them and have them lecture me on how he was “using me” if he didn’t pay lobola for me.  I remember feeling scared  at the thought of us ever breaking up because I did not know how I would tell people that I was a single mother.  Now that was my biggest fear!  In my head being a single mother was the most unforgivable offence in society’s eyes because their judging eyes would tell you that you had “failed to keep a man.”  That was just fucked up!

However, this all taught me a few things.

  1. If you genuinely do not want to do something DO NOT DO IT!  I ended up wanting to get married only because that’s what family had suggested even though I didn’t even want it.
  2. Marriage should be for parties who BOTH want the same thing because the moment you are on different paths it will be a disaster.
  3. Marriage has been idolized so much in our society.  It’s so bad that once a woman reaches a certain age without getting married people start talking and giving her side eyes as if they even know what she wants out of life.  This idolization has lead to many women, some that I know only getting married so that people can get off their backs.
  4. Not everyone is going to get married, have a white wedding and walk down the isle in a white puffy dress and society needs to understand that.
  5. Even if you don’t get married nothing is wrong with you, it simply means it was either not meant for you or your time hasn’t come just as yet and perhaps you do not want to get married at all and that should not be anyone’s business.
  6. Know the reasons WHY you want to get married.  Don’t just dive in head first without even trying to understand the first thing about what marriage is all about.  Too many television watching going on and hoping once you get in it everything will be just like the movies.
  7. Lastly, love yourself enough to know that even if you don’t do things right the first time you can always get up and start afresh, every single day is a chance to rewrite your story.  I am a single mother and I am proud to be a mother to a beautiful little girl who adores me.  Raising a child on my own does not make me any less of a woman, in fact; it has made me stronger, wiser and more responsible than I could have ever imagined.
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Image from Google

And to answer the question that is probably going through your mind right about now, would I want to get married?  As it stands; yes, I would want to get married but for all the reasons I know are right for me and this will be a story for another blog post; BUT please note that if it doesn’t happen my world won’t come crashing down because I am happy with the person I am on my own and getting married for me would be a bonus NOT a life saver.

For now I am going to go about being happy, observing what this life is all about and taking part in it with full force no matter what my marital status.  Happy hormones live here!!!!

©MaKupsy 2016

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30 thoughts on “I Have A Confession…

  1. I came across this wonderful blog mrssurnamepending.wordpress.com about women who made the mistake of getting married because of society pressures and those marriages fail. Real stories by real women encouraging other women not to fall for that trap…take a look

    Liked by 1 person

  2. well said, you put your point across without bashing marriage and i like how you expressed that marriage is a bonus because you have achieved so much without marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know that too many times we are quick to bash marriage not realising that just like everything else it too has it’s positive and negative side. Thank you for reading and yes, so much good has happened minus marriage, imagine what will happen if I do get married? At least I know one thing for sure, I know I can hold things down with or without a partner in my life 🙂

      Like

  3. i love the honest and sincerity in this post. At least someone who does not conform to societal standards ,if only most girls married for the right reasons and for love not for status or societal recognition there wouldn’t be many divorces.
    Thanks Kupsy for the honesty in this blog. i looove it

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading Tapiwa. If only most people would just do exactly what their heart desires and not what the next person wants for them, this life would be a better place. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a great read indeed. Personal experiences always touch a person or two out there! I totally relate our society can force you in to something you dontt want just to keep up appearances and the good name of the family. Im 27 not yet married and everyone is asking whats taking long lol…
    Well done Mai Kupa

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading darling, as always 🙂
      Please I beg you, if you are NOT ready do not do it. Beautiful things happen when you least expect it. This rushing to get to the finish line never ends well, trust me I have been there tried that.
      And 27 is still very young, people have gotten married at 40 and lived happily ever after. The older you are the wiser decisions you are likely to make.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I dont know how this post missed me…but I like the honesty in this, being married is great,BUT it is not an achievement as society would like us to think. i totally agree with you get married for the RIGHT reasons,IF you want to get married…#goodread

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading.
      What people don’t realise is that there is life AFTER marriage. We concentrate too much on the wedding plans, venue, the whole shebang and forget that lives will change after that ceremony. Are we even ready or geared up for it is the biggest question…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know right!! And most people wed in the hopes of getting lots of money and gifts in order to start a new life. My question is why not save that $10 000 load and do something worthwhile with it. If I do get married, trust me it’s going to be an intimate wedding and no crazy amounts of money shall be spent, there is a LIFE after celebrations.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Am glad you didnt marry because you got pregnant and not because its something you wanted. i have seen men and women being trapped in a relationship or marriage because they have a child together. i have seen women manipulate their baby daddies using their kids so they can have the fairy tale of being a family.
    am glad you realised the power that you have and that you dont need a man to hold you down.
    in the end, even if you have kids, and the love between the two of you is not there, then you will always live a miserable life.
    most women have the mentality that once they have a kid by someone, then they will never find someone else again and then force a situation.
    i think in the end, in the absence of the kids, there should be love between the two of you to have a happy life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh I love this comment! You put it out so well. It’s true though, marrying because you have a child together is not a valid reason to move your relationship to the next level. It has to be something you both want.
      In my world, there is so much more life has to offer which isn’t necessarily marriage. I want to do so much with my life and sometimes I can’t help but think that marriage will stop me from growing into the amazing goal orientated woman I feel I am. Marriage will mean a lot of sacrifices, which I am not yet ready to make.
      I hope you too are planning how you want your life to be, with or without marriage.
      Thanks for reading and I hope you shared this link with all the awesome people in your life 🙂

      Like

  7. this is great read makupsy. I have a friend who went through the same, forced marriage because he got a girl pregnant. But he did not love the girl. It was one of those ‘things’ and then pregnancy came up. He did but it did not work out.He played that girl until she couldnt stay without hiding. And he even told the parents about it. they had to get a divorce. Its a good thing that ‘your husband’ refused to marry. He stuck to his words, and you know why? because that would have brought both of you a bad future. Being together because of the society and family.We are in 2016 and love cannot be forced. Having a kid with a man doesn’t mean you get married unless both of you agree to it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • One thing I have learnt in this life is that you don’t force things. The moment you do that things end badly. When my “husband” married someone else I was bitter and hurt for years because I didn’t understand why he didn’t choose me. It took time, prayer and introspection to realise that sometimes someone is genuinely not supposed to be in your life and that’s okay. He really did not want to be with me and forcing him was going to only hurt me in the end.

      As for your friend, I am sure he only reminded his family that he had told them earlier on that he didn’t want to be married in the first place. Unfortunately it’s the children who suffer in the end but if two parents decide to focus on doing the best for their child it all works out.

      You put it out perfectly “Having a kid with a man doesn’t mean you get married unless both of you agree to it.” 🙂

      Like

  8. Amazing read, you made me realize one thing I always forget, marriage isn’t 100% bad, there is a tendency to forget that, especially in this day and age when most of the marriages are just infallible death traps that suck your soul and send you to Valhalla prematurely. That being said, marriage, like getting into a relationship or any other decision that involves persons other than yourself, should be done for the right reasons, not because of what other people may say..etc, you might save your father the shame of having a single mother for a daughter, but your father won’t be the third party in your loveless marriage.
    Great read.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Why thank you for reading Stunt. 🙂

      Its very sad but true, we stay forgetting that there are a few beautiful and admirable marriages out there. I think for those who are in them, it’s the best thing ever. However, for most people…well.

      And yes, make decisions for yourself and no one else and you will lead a happier life because after all is said and done people will still have something to say.

      Like

  9. I agree with all your points, and you bring them out so well. Marriage is indeed a bonus. I currently do not want to get married, but I know it will be perfectly OK if I change my mind a year from now, or 20 years from now. It is not all glam or damnation so I will be sure to be absolutely ready if I am to get into it.

    Liked by 1 person

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