I never wanted to get married.
You know how girls get all excited from a very young age and plan their entire wedding from the wedding colour theme to the bridesmaids dresses and mostly the dress she will wear on her wedding day? I wasn’t one of those girls. All I ever wanted to be when I was all grown up was travel the world and be in some choreography related form of work. I tried looking for one of my old dream collage’s but I couldn’t locate it because it is probably somewhere at my parent’s house plus I am not a fan of clutter so I definitely wouldn’t find it at my place. The point of it was to show you just how back then it was not something I consumed myself with; this marriage thing.
So what changed you ask? Because if you have read my blogs you know there is a post I mentioned that there was a time when all I ever wanted was to get married. Well, circumstances changed. I got pregnant.
Initially I actually remember telling the father of my child that I was not ready for marriage and he shared the same sentiments and we were actually fine with the arrangement. Arrangements like that unfortunately don’t sit very well with our society especially if you are actually living together. Months into our pregnancy family intervened and told us we were disrespecting our families and we had to get married. I easily bought into the idea because I obviously didn’t want to bring any further “shame” to my family but the father of my child stood his ground and declared he would never marry in this lifetime. (Guess who got married in just under six months after separating).
It was a really complicated phase of my life. I remember days I was at work; visibly pregnant and my colleagues asking how my “husband” was. I had to play along because the thought of telling them that we were just staying together would probably shock the lights out of them and have them lecture me on how he was “using me” if he didn’t pay lobola for me. I remember feeling scared at the thought of us ever breaking up because I did not know how I would tell people that I was a single mother. Now that was my biggest fear! In my head being a single mother was the most unforgivable offence in society’s eyes because their judging eyes would tell you that you had “failed to keep a man.” That was just fucked up!
However, this all taught me a few things.
- If you genuinely do not want to do something DO NOT DO IT! I ended up wanting to get married only because that’s what family had suggested even though I didn’t even want it.
- Marriage should be for parties who BOTH want the same thing because the moment you are on different paths it will be a disaster.
- Marriage has been idolized so much in our society. It’s so bad that once a woman reaches a certain age without getting married people start talking and giving her side eyes as if they even know what she wants out of life. This idolization has lead to many women, some that I know only getting married so that people can get off their backs.
- Not everyone is going to get married, have a white wedding and walk down the isle in a white puffy dress and society needs to understand that.
- Even if you don’t get married nothing is wrong with you, it simply means it was either not meant for you or your time hasn’t come just as yet and perhaps you do not want to get married at all and that should not be anyone’s business.
- Know the reasons WHY you want to get married. Don’t just dive in head first without even trying to understand the first thing about what marriage is all about. Too many television watching going on and hoping once you get in it everything will be just like the movies.
- Lastly, love yourself enough to know that even if you don’t do things right the first time you can always get up and start afresh, every single day is a chance to rewrite your story. I am a single mother and I am proud to be a mother to a beautiful little girl who adores me. Raising a child on my own does not make me any less of a woman, in fact; it has made me stronger, wiser and more responsible than I could have ever imagined.
And to answer the question that is probably going through your mind right about now, would I want to get married? As it stands; yes, I would want to get married but for all the reasons I know are right for me and this will be a story for another blog post; BUT please note that if it doesn’t happen my world won’t come crashing down because I am happy with the person I am on my own and getting married for me would be a bonus NOT a life saver.
For now I am going to go about being happy, observing what this life is all about and taking part in it with full force no matter what my marital status. Happy hormones live here!!!!