Once upon a time I wrote a letter to my Ex Boyfriends, you can read the blog post here. I felt that I needed to do that to get some form of closure for myself. Once I did that I felt a whole lot better. I remember most women on the Twitter Time Line started writing to their ex boyfriends as well after reading my post and boy did I read some interesting posts or what!
This morning however, I got myself thinking about one thing I never actually asked myself when I broke up with someone. Was my ex really the monster that I made him out to be or I also played a part in the break up? It’s not easy to admit that sometimes you are also to blame. There is no way you can always be the one who was wronged, sometimes you also do wrong to the next person. Let’s get right into it…
I have had so many talks with my girlfriends after they broke up with the “love of their life”. We have gone all out in calling them names and reminding each other how much of a good for nothing man the guy being hurled insults at really was. When your friend is hurting that isn’t the right time to remind her of what she could have done differently or what she continuously did that probably contributed to the break up.
YES some exes really are monsters. There is a saying in Shona that goes; “Rinonyenga rinohwarara rinosimudza musoro rawana” It translates to something like “A person will climb the highest mountain to try and win your heart and once they know they have it they will show their true colours”. This saying is usually used on men because they specialise in “selling dreams”. One too many women have fallen in love with a mans “pretend version” not knowing that drastic changes await her in the not so distant future…What are these changes you ask? Some stop calling as often as they used to, the good morning messages become a thing of the past, he doesn’t spend time with his woman anymore, the flowers that used to be delivered each month are nowhere to be found even going out for an ice cream date becomes something she reads about it magazines. I want to know from the men, what brings about this kind of change? Can we safely conclude that the Shona saying holds water or it’s something the woman says or does that makes you stop making an effort.
People lie, men and women alike but when you hear some of the stories women tell you, you have to admit that men take the cup any day! I remember a time my cousin was madly in love with her boyfriend. He stayed in Bulawayo and she was in Harare. Those days we still had landlines and we always used to rush to the phone each time it rang because we always used to think the call was either hers or mine. Fun times! It happened that after she had been dating this guy and even going to visit him on a few occasions she received a phone call from an unknown woman telling her to leave her boyfriend alone. This came as a surprise because after she had been introduced to family and friends we naively thought she was the one. We were wrong, the girl kept calling and we kept calling him trying to find out what was really going on. Eventually her boyfriend got in touch and told her to leave him alone because he had got some girl pregnant and he was going to do right by her and marry her. I have NEVER seen my cousin that way. She is a strong individual. She broke down on the phone and cried, she cried for so long I held her and didn’t know what to say to her. She was never the same, she did not eat, she would not sleep. She was heartbroken. She lost so much weight I was starting to worry that she might take her own life from depression. We were only around age 21 then and this was something I had never encountered. It took her a very long time to get over him but time always finds a way to heal us. Just last year, the very same guy called her and said he had made a mistake and wanted to do right by her. I don’t know what that guy is on but he has some balls! My cousin would hear non of it and I was happy she let that ship sail. In this case, I would like to believe the only thing my cousin did wrong was to give her heart to someone who clearly did not deserve to have it!
On the other hand, exes are really not monsters. We see the signs, we really do, but we close one eye and pretend we don’t see them. Let me give you a very good example of what happened to me. I met a guy who I knew was the real enemy of progress. Back then I had a routine. Leave work, get home, hit the gym, come back home, bath, watch a series and sleep. On weekends I would hit the gym first thing in the morning then make my way home to bath and watch Gossip Girl while sipping on my drink all day long. It was the perfect setup. I had no boyfriend to worry about and I had very few friends. Then this guy showed up, started asking me to go for coffee, for lunch, for dinner and I would say it’s fine and never showed up. Who was he to change my routine? You know guys though, once they want something they will go in and go hard!
As the story goes, we eventually started spending time together and my gym membership went down the drain. He was a lot of fun BUT he had one three many women in his life. We were good friends and I would ask him about these other women and he would tell me they were having problems and he was going to drop them. In came “Miss Fix It”. I told myself it was going to be my mission to be the leading lady in his life come rain or shine. What a joke! Why did I even do that to myself. Like hello, this guy had some serious commitment issues and there I was trying to put him in the straight and narrow. BIGGEST JOKE EVER! Then I decided if you can’t beat them join them and also started seeing other people just to get to him. It was a mess. Obviously it didn’t end well and yes I called him all sorts of names after things went sour. It’s really funny how we get ourselves into situations we already know will hurt us. He didn’t change at all, I still had stress when he didn’t pick up his calls and it was my very own doing.
Then there are some amazing Ex Boyfriends. The one in the picture isn’t a monster anymore. LOL. I think the reason why even after all the drama we put each other through we remained in each others lives is because we were good friends before. Yes, we have had a time we have gone a whole year without saying a word to each other. (read as me ignoring his messages after he tried to talk to me enough times) I have pride issues I know, I am working on those. We have been friends for nearly 13 years and counting and it’s amazing how we have grown over the years from being bitter to being better.
Sometimes we need to learn to accept that even if things didn’t work out some people are put into our lives for specific reasons. With him I think the reason was to show me that I can do anything I set my mind to because he has that kind of attitude. I know my life partner is probably out there reading this and thinking so this is the ex that will give me stress, don’t worry about him, he stays farrrr away from Zimbabwe, besides you and I are going to move to Belgium and live happily ever after.
I would love to hear from you. When you broke up with your last ex, who was to blame? If you could do things differently what would it be?