Of Lobola, Weddings & Such

The moment a friend tells me that they’re getting married I get very happy for them because for most women marriage doesn’t come easy. If you meet a guy who loves you enough to wife you up then happy days for you; if not, well, we will do an entire blog post on that at a later date. In our culture you first pay lobola and then have a court wedding or white wedding or not, whatever tickles your fancy really but to be official you need to get the lobola thing going.

Zimbabwe Wedding MaKupsy

Wedding in Nyanga, Zimbabwe. Image from Facebook

I used to be baffled when it came to people not telling you when their boyfriend was going to pay lobola for them. I have three or four “friends” who only told me on the actual day their lobola was being paid. It left me questioning our friendship. If we are supposed to be that close and that happy for each other why would you tell me on the very day of your big day? I once concluded that it’s their way of letting you know that you’ve been left behind in the world of singledom so they just want to give you a quick surprise for you before they carry on into their married life. Then I grew up and realised that it’s not everyone that will be happy for you when good things happen to you, your so-called friends included so yes, it’s a very complex issue.

As the story continues…

Then we get excited about their wedding day if they go on the white wedding route. I help out when I can with the planning, the ideas for the venue, decoration; most of the time they complain about the in-laws who are making things impossible, we go through dresses, we think of a playlist the whole shebang. My phone is always on the charger because she needs help with this or that and we are constantly in touch. It actually feels like my wedding by the time I go to sleep because of the levels of fatigue but I won’t be complaining because that’s what friends do right? Right! You help each other through good and bad times even though at this point I start feeling like an underpaid wedding planner. 

The big day finally arrives and guess what has happened to me in the past for some of my “friends” weddings.

lobola MaKupsy

Friend 1. I was sent an invite to the wedding, oh happy days, even though I am not such a huge fan of weddings.

Friend 2.I got to be a bridesmaid for the first time and I had a fabulous time because the wedding reception was short and sweet and we wore some pretty delicious colours on the day. Who would have thought purple and gold would rock?!

Friend 3. I never heard from her again. A few days before her wedding she went cold turkey on me. I knew the venue of her wedding which was out of town by the way but she never sent me a wedding invite so there was no way I was going to just rock up at her wedding uninvited. I am not about that gatecrashing a wedding life. Some friend huh?

So… now some of my friends are married. Remember we used to talk all the time? I have noted that a few weeks after they get married they go missing in action. I ask myself if they are happy, sad, overwhelmed, enjoying their honeymoon phase or just don’t want to be associated with a single someone. Please do not get me wrong, I am not the jealous type but the I wonder what’s up type. 

The moment they are married they just snub me and I never hear from them again. Is it a thing that married women do or it’s a thing that I get dished out from my “friends” only? Does marriage really take such a toll on an individual that you forget about your friends or at least those who considered you their friend? Do you honestly expect me to respond to your message at the speed of lighting the moment you finally decide to communicate with me?

Like what the actual f&%k is up with that??!!

I wonder…

©MaKupsy 2016

17 thoughts on “Of Lobola, Weddings & Such

  1. That is awful, what your friend did. I don’t know why she did that but sometimes people make decisions on the spur of the moment and family interferes with them after. It’s hard knowing your friends aren’t really your friends, but your being single is does not make you a bad friend. I hope you’ll be able to meet some really nice people, soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the kind words 🙂
      Well, I just decided to look at it as a sign that we really were not friends after all but that’s okay, at least I found out sooner rather than later.
      Now I have one very close friend and a few good friends around me who I know will be around married or not.
      Thanks for stopping by.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hello.. Late I know forgive me I’m married and that an excuse enough!!
        Soo I’ve so much to say obviously but this ain’t the right platform I’ll just answer a few of your questions from my experience..
        1) I have a million friends but out of that million I have only 5 friends I share personal/ sensitive stuff with reason being in very sociable and friendly but I try to keep my circle as small and intact as possible.. Out of those 5 friends :
        F1) we talk about naughty and extremely dirty stuff like I feel so comfortable even to share my bedroom issues..
        F2) We share deepest dark secrets.. Nik judgement nil awkward moments we are just tight like that..
        F3) we go out like crazy we drink we do stuff together shopping etc ..
        F4) gossip things mostly
        f5) if I need a prayer warrior this one for my back..
        So these are my friends right as someone’s friend also I know my position, I do not expect Fmillion to tell me they’re getting married in fact I don’t care, they tell me or invite me well that’s bonus.. But I don’t get mad when not included ..
        Ok moving I got married on 6/12/15.. Only a few relatives knew and a few friends.. Well just my 5 friends why? Because why tell everybody? It’s not necessary telling every one you’re getting married because not everyone wishes you well.. I have friends I know for sure they’re jealous of me.. What do I do? I exclude them from my immediate friends because they’re nothing but toxic..and I don’t feel bad for only telling a few people that Bae was going to pay lobola then..So like some people say “toenda nemuchato” me I could not wait to live in with Bae so as soon as he paid lobola We started living together 🙂 .. Me and Bae we love each other but you single people should understand that once your friends get married things change. You might not understand this as you’re not in it( I never used to understand it before) ok so me and Bae we knew each other obviously but dating someone and being someone’s wife is different, I have to be there for Bae, we have to spend as much time together as possible so we bond during early days of marriage.. Tell you what I never stopped thinking about my friends but I just did not have time to reply their text on time or whatever I was just overwhelmed with Bae and our new home.
        So.. F2 started posting funny statuses on face book like subbing me.. And trust me when your friend subs you, you’ll feel it! She was whinging about how I was ignoring her now that I’m married and in Australia bla bla.. I was so mad! Like I never expected this from her.. What hurts most is she never took the time to ask what was going on etc.. So because I also have an attitude I just took her off my right circle and chilled like a boss LOL.. So when I chose my bridesmaid I excluded her.. By the time she came back to her senses I told her straight up that her behaviour was shoking! Also she wasn’t part of my bridal team.. Then she started apologising etc we sort of worked things out.. Now I’ve squeezed her back on the bridesmaids list because I love her.. She’s my friend but she just could not handle my transition.. I never had problems with the other 4 friends until now they text me etc I do reply yes but sometime 3 days later but I ALWAYS catch up with them when I get time..
        So I am a very busy wife I work full time.. I have to spend time with hubby.. I have to communicate with baes family too because inlaws above all I still need me time so yea! I’m super busy and yes it’s because I’m married now game ratochinja! I don’t just do as I please I have to make sure Bae is on board.

        I think I diverted from your issue but yes there it is..

        Side note ; they say early days of marriage is honey moon phase hmmm I don’t know about that… Personally I think honeymoon phase comes when you’re dating while you can still play hide and seek once married it’s all about kutanga kugarisana mese bae got his likes and dislikes Same as me so there is going to be tension but things always work out in the end..

        P.s I’m happily married.. Being a wife keeps me busy I’ve to do my best to satisfy my hubby as he does the same for me.. I love my friends so much they’ve all been supportive but we just can never hangout like we used to because NEW LIFE ! I’ve said a lot 😂😂 bye 😘😘


  2. most times in my experience its cause us “single” girls have “bad influence” on them new wives, we drag them down and keep them away from their Wifely duties and attract them to the world of singledom were we are constantly hunting for men …it sounds stupid koz it is and i9n most cases its wats going on…. the moment they divorce or such u get the “hesi sahwira” text MXM


    • Bad influence my ass. I think if someone wants to get up to something they will with or without your assistance amana ah! But have you noticed that when most guys get married they still carry on with their single friends?
      LOL do you respond after they send the “hesi sahwira” message? i know i wouldn’t.


    • But say you and me are besties and we share every single detail of our lives why would your boyfriend going to pay lobola for you be such a big secret. I was actually hurt because I found out a not so close friend knew about it and I didn’t.


  3. I too have had such friends who just go quiet on you after they get married. You always initiate communication then it dawns you after a few weeks that this person is now ignoring you or no longer wants to be friends with you. This is usually after having been there with them through thick and thin, been there in the times of heart break checking up on them every single day of the week to see how they are, been there during the “one night stands that they are now ashamed off”, been there when through their transformation only for them to just wake up and act like you don’t exist. It really sucks, I won’t lie but I have come to love such people because they make life so much easier ie you don’t have to end the relationship, they did so you just move on with life.

    However I do have a childhood friend who got married last year. In the first couple of months we did not communicate as much as we did before but now things have gone back to normal to a point where we talk on the phone for hours.

    Those people who cut you off when they get married reveal their true characters, they are fickle, you don’t need them!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know what i’m happy about the most, the fact that you and your childhood friend kissed and made up. It’s good to know you have someone who will be there through thick and thin.
      As for the people who left, you are right, it makes it easier to move on because now you know where you stand in their lives. After all actions speak louder than words…
      Thanks for taking time to read, you are a gem.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Reading my comment a year later and shaking my head at the nonsense I wrote. Kukura kwakanaka shuwa. LOL Anyway friendships go through seasons and changes and once a friend gets married obviously the friendship changes because they have entered into different season and taken on a new role. At the end of the day it’s all about patience, tolerance and acceptance. When a friend gets married, they now have every little time to do other things so it is important that the single friends understand this. As a single friend, you cannot expect your married friend to hang out with you every weekend or as often as you would like, they have things to do with their husband and families.


      • Kukura kwakanaka muroora! I agree, everything, friendships included has it’s season and we have to embrace it when the time comes. I still have a few married friends but we rarely see each other or spend time but it’s okay. That was my cue to find new interests and hobbies. I still think that if someone is really your friend you should give them a heads up on the lobola issue, handiyo friendship yachona here. Even if the guy doesn’t pitch are we not friends, do we not laugh, cry and get over it together? Then again that’s just me. This marriage thing is not my portion LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  4. you know what i think ka Mai kupa isu ladies the bulk of us marriage is a huge thing and to get the guy anosvika at that stage is big saka you really dont want anything to go wrong thats where we go all African and be all supersticious. Anenge akatonzi kumba uasaudza vanhu and imi maswira acho are in that “vanhu” bracket. so i feel all these things are the killers of many friendships. I have had this happen to me so many times the only true friend i Have is myself..lol im glad you made up with your childhood friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Iii inga nyaya yacho yakatooma if that’s the case yekuita “vanhu vasingaudzwe” and yet you have been through it all with them. NO hard feelings though but hmm it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
      I know when i get married those closest to me will know those who don’t matter, well…


  5. or has it ever occurred to you that the married person is in such a bad state emotionally that its not just you she hasnt communicated with but maybe everyone and when she finally says hi to you then you might be the first person she has had the guts to reach out to?sad how we rush to assume that people go quiet only for the wrong reasons.for my true friends I’ve been known to ask “why are you so quiet these days?”, especially if I know it’s unlike that person to just go quiet.we really need to let go of this belief that married women go quiet on just the single people.remember most women are in for shocks when they get into the first stage of marriage so the initial quietness might just be a person’s way of trying to find who they are again in relation to this new marital responsibility that they have to handle.how many here would want a recently married woman who is constantly whining?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have raised interesting points there Aunty Cecil but how many people are honest enough to say that to the next person? I guess at the end of the day you have to be in the person’s shoes to understand what it’s about but I was actually hurt because when most of my so called friends they disappeared into thin air. You are one of the few people who actually sent me a message and told me that your life is currently hectic and I respect that but the rest of the other women no communication whatsoever.
      And no ways, no one would want to hear someone constantly whining. LOL


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