I lost my older sister to depression on the 15th of December 2018. I’ve felt so many different emotions since then but sadness and pain are the most distinguished feelings for me. I haven’t been able to write up any blog posts from scratch because my creativity plummeted. Today, after nearly 4 months of her passing I’m finally able to blog again.
My sister was a real fashionista! She indulged in the finer things in life; clothes, food, experiences; those were always top notch for her. She didn’t have room for compromise, for her it was all about quality. I can safely let you in on the secret that most people didn’t know; I wanted to be just like her, I completely admired her! I experienced all my dazzling firsts with her. My first movie, coffee date, restaurant experience even my first alcoholic beverage was courtesy of her! Her reason for letting me drink alcohol when I turned 18 was so that when I attended parties I wouldn’t pass out after having just one drink (as if my dad ever let me attend any parties at all) Minus giving me a kick start to being an alcoholic at some point in my life she also gave me wonderful tips on personal care which I still use to this day and intend to pass on to my daughter.
“No flowers for me.”
That was my sister’s WhatsApp status for the longest time but I never asked her why she chose to put that up. At her funeral her best friend told me that it was because the last time she was hospitalised her friends bought her a lot of flowers and she complained that they should have sent her money instead. That’s my sister alright! Now each time I see a bouquet of flowers I think of her…
You know what hurts me the most? My sister and I didn’t talk often but when we did we would catch up and talk about all the best deals in town, where she was currently getting her nails done, which place had the tastiest food, send each other pictures of our latest clothing acquisitions…We talked about everything but she never told me she was critically ill. She would tell me about an occasional headache or body pain but never the whole situation. When I visited her in hospital the first time I had hope that she would be better but a few weeks later after my very last visit even though I’ve never faced death before, I knew that her days were numbered and she would soon be no more.
I cried until I had no more tears left. I cried because I knew the life she would have wanted for herself but yet she chose otherwise. I cried because I wish she would have chosen herself because in the end one’s happiness is what matters the most. I cried because I wished things had been different between us. I cried because at some point I assumed she was going through depression and I didn’t know how to help her because she never opened up. I cried because she casually asked me one day what I would do if she died and I calmly replied saying I would attend her funeral. I cried because somehow I think she knew she was going to die soon but probably couldn’t say so.
My sister probably died from a broken heart. The doctors might say otherwise but a part of me knows all she ever truly wanted was to love and be loved.
I hope the sun shines wherever you are; you went through so much pain during your last days on earth. I wish you healing and peace dear sister and may your soul rest in eternal peace.