Adele – Someone Like You

Love is one of the most beautiful things you can experience in this lifetime if it’s reciprocal.  However, if you are one of the unlucky few who got served a huge dose of unrequited love you will know exactly how much pain can come from it.

Thankfully over the years I have had the chance to reflect and take note of some of the mistakes I made in the past where love was concerned.  In the past I have paired myself up with people who actually did not love or care about me.  I saw the signs and chose to ignore them.  A slight sign of concern was automatically mistaken for love.  For me love had to make my heart go pitter patter, lose my senses, lose sleep and have me going through extremes of happiness and sadness.  That was clearly a lot to take in in the name of love.

I used to be a bitter woman, I was mad at the world.  Mad that I loved someone who did not see all the things I did in the name of love.  More than anything I was mad at myself for not seeing something was not good for me and simply walking away when I still had the chance to do so.

I am happy to say that what I view love to be has completely changed.  For me love will not leave me close to feeling a panic attack, love will complete me, love will give me a warm, calm and confident feeling towards my partner.  I don’t think I still get butterflies, maybe it’s an age thing; but I certainly feel that this is right when I am with the perfect match.

I no longer feel anything towards the man who once shattered my heart to irreparable little pieces; I am indifferent towards him.  You will be surprised to note that this very song used to bring me to tears each time I listened to it but now I listen to it and recall that it used to be his favourite song.  Through it all in as much as things didn’t work out between us we had our happy moments.  They didn’t last but for the season they were supposed to they brought a smile to my face.

It’s important to take a step back whenever you get the chance to and find out where you go wrong.  It’s easy to sit down and blame the world for things going wrong in your life when most times you are the very source of your own pain.  You can’t choose who you love though you can try very hard to make sure you love someone who at least feels the same way about you.

I have made it my personal mission to continue to grow myself in love.  How?  By doing things that bring me joy, filling my days with happy moments, understanding that not everyone will understand the intensity that comes with me and above all else to keep learning and unlearning habits that might hinder my progress.  Not everyone will understand what I am about but the right one will know that I am amazing just the way I am.

We live yes, but how many of us actually take time to learn?  

 

 

 

©MaKupsy 2017

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Build Your Man Up They Say

I see this topic almost everyday on my Twitter Timeline.  For a minute there I tried not to share my 2 cents on the topic but the opinionated me just couldn’t let this one slide anymore. I have mixed feelings on the topic so you can be the judge of where I exactly stand at the end of this piece.  Just thinking about building is exhausting now just imagine building a whole entire human being!   I like to use examples, I have been through the most when it comes to relationships(thanks to bad decision making) I always have a point of reference.

Exhibit 1  

I once wrote about this guy some years ago, he is ex number four.  I worked on this guy like a real actual project!  I did a complete makeover.  Changed how he dressed, showed him how I liked to be treated; insert coffee dates, dinners, random lunches, flowers, gifts, even made sure I had bills covered because I understood that he was going through a rough patch so being the loving girlfriend that I was I made sure all was well. Lesson number 1, DO NOT go around taking care of these grown ass men please because guess what, we broke up anyway and he moved on and started making sure he was paying the bills and making sure his new girlfriend was well taken care of.  Guys!!  This is not even a laughing matter but I am laughing anyways.  Like what the fuck was wrong with me?  Why was I housing a grown ass man and giving him free lessons on how to be a great guy only for him to leave and be Prince Charming to the next woman?  Allow me to laugh at myself some more.  This thing we call love can really play with our senses.

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Exhibit 2

I don’t think we can call this one an exhibit but seeing that I already have a heading with that let’s just play along.  I remember the stories most of our parents used to tell us when we were growing up.  About how they started of with nothing but ended up with beautiful families, cars and houses.  I admire them very much, I really do; but I think times have changed for us.  Back then it was okay to start off from the bottom but now both men and women want a “finished product” so to speak.  How many are willing to start from scratch with someone who has zero vision?  Definitely not me!  These days it’s not just the men who have a checklist, even women now want a man with certain things and are not willing to back down on them.  Things like he has to at least have his own place, he should drive, not have a bunch of baby mamas, must be well traveled…the list is endless really depending on the individual.  I for one will tell you that a man who can not cook risks chances of not dating me because let’s be honest, there is nothing as sexy as a man who can whip up a fire meal!

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Image from Google

Exhibit 3

This is not to say that some people who have actually built their man up did not live happily ever after, they actually did and it’s beautiful to hear about these stories.  I have a friend who started dating her boyfriend when we were 18 and over a decade later they are still together, they even got married!  They used to have some major differences but because they loved each other and they had a mutual end goal things worked out well for them and now they are happily married.

My thoughts in a nutshell?  I think that love is a gamble.  You can win or lose when it comes to relationships.  You can do everything in your power to make sure things work out but sometimes your best isn’t good enough and someone will leave.  I have also come to the realisation that no one sings the song of “Build Your Woman Up”!!   My advice, if you have put in the work and the next person decides they want to leave.  Refuse to be dumped.  Like seriously, after investing your time, efforts and mind banging sex someone tells you it’s over.  Say no, it’s not happening, we are in this till the end.  Show up at their doorstep with breakfast the next day like everything is normal.  LOL, okay, that’s not very great advice and please don’t follow it. Take heart; building someone up might be the best or worst thing that might ever happen to you.  It really is about the two of you in the end.

What are your thoughts on the topic?  Have you been in a situation where you gave it your all but it crumbled before your very own eyes.  Let’s talk.

©MaKupsy 2017

Judge Not!

I got this message from my friend Tillo a few weeks ago and I thought I would share it here.  I don’t know who wrote this but I think this might help a lot of us to think before we start judging those around us.

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Image from Google

Let’s bear in mind before we judge…

Not everyone wants to get married

Not everyone wants to have children

Some people cannot have children

Some people are not married because of circumstances

Some peoples are religious some are not

We need to accept that it is okay and that

doesn’t make them less human  

We are all different with  different views, goals and aspirations

stick to what’s yours and stop trying to understand why X and O does not do such

You don’t know what heavy burden one is carrying.

©MaKupsy 2016

Diary Of A Woman Who Learnt To Love Herself More

I created a WhatsApp group that I named #RunWithFitnessBae In this group we talk about different issues that are health and fitness related.  The other day we spoke about body shaming and one of the participants in the group shared her story which I feel a lot of people will relate to.  Have a read and share with anyone you think might benefit from this inspirational story.

Not so many years ago I weighed a whopping 120kgs and I wore size 44-46.  To be honest I was comfortable with my weight. My closest relatives actually commented at how “healthy” and “well kept” I was and I actually thought being that fat was a sign to the world I was fine and dandy.  I would eat any and everything and I would sit on the couch and eat a whole chocolate slab, packet of crisps and gulp down and entire bottle of red wine while I watched TV or read a book.  Exercise was something I would watch on TV and something I never got actively involved in.  I knew the benefits of exercise but remember me being fat was a sign of “wealth” so I was ok right? WRONG!

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Real women have nothing to do with size. Real women have RESPECT for one another. -Abbyclaire Herman

I got a rude awakening from my unhealthy eating ways when I found out that the man of my dreams had gone on to marry someone else on the exact same day he was meant to pay lobola for me.  I found out he had been dating my “skinny” friend and it had been happening for a while and I had never suspected it, the betrayal and the heartache were beyond comprehension!!  This whole time I was being a couch potato the man of my dreams was making other plans that didn’t involve me, life changing plans for that matter!  I decided to seek advice from the people who knew us and the people who were close to us and I was shocked and disgusted by the responses I got. Let me tell you the five top responses that made me hate my body and feel disgusted by who I was and who I had become;

  1. Aigodii nekufuta kwawakaita?” (What was he supposed to do with the way you are so fat?)
  2. “Honey, the way you are looking like a 40 year old and yet you are only 25years old is unbecoming”
  3. “I am so sorry but what did you expect look at your friend she is skinny, beautiful and fit and she is light skinned.”
  4. “I am so sorry about what you are going through but I think you are to blame I mean you are fatter than his own mother, he went to what was attractive.”
  5. “You need to lose weight. If you were skinny like his now wife I am sure he wouldn’t have strayed but her body compared to yours there was no chance you would keep him, hauna kana shape.  (You are shapeless)
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at 120kgs

Those were the harshest and most cruel things anyone had ever told me and what made it worse was the realization that in their heart of hearts all these people had thought this but never said anything about it.  I probably would have taken offence if they had but real friends would have said something about my sky rocketing weight.  Those words coupled with heartbreak drove to a state of self-disgust and I hated my body and food.  I blamed those two things for letting me not see that my man was losing interest in me and making plans to be with someone else.

I wished I could exchange bodies it seemed all the women I saw were slimmer and prettier.  Suicidal thoughtsyes I got them because to me there was nothing worse that the world seeing you as fat and ugly.  Couple that with everyone knowing that the man thought was for keeps had left you for a “slimmer” and “prettier” woman.  Thankfully, I couldn’t get myself to follow through my suicidal thoughts because I had two little angels who looked up to me and I couldn’t imagine leaving them.  Instead I decided to diet and lose weight but when I started my weight loss journey my reason was to win my man back, I wanted to be pretty for him and I thought he would love me again if I was “slim and pretty like her” and we would get back together and get married and our fairy tale life would continue as we had both imagined it.

And so my weight-loss journey began.  I gave myself a couple of weight loss rules that I was certain would work.

  • Eat as little I you can
  • Exercise for 8 hours a day
  • I have to match “her” weight or maybe lose a few more kilograms then I will be “pretty”
  • I will have to do all this within 90 days

I would eat practically nothing the whole day.  On an average day I would have 2 slices of brown bread and a lot of water the WHOLE DAY.  I would go to the gym from 5am to 9am and again from 5pm to 9pm and I would push myself harder and further each day till I go to a point where all I would eat in a day would be chewing gum when I felt hungry and water.

The weight dropped.  Within 3 months I had lost close to 70 kilograms but unfortunately I had also developed ulcers, acid re-flux and insomnia to name but a few.  My skin changed colour and even my hair grew thin and just when I thought people would compliment me they started saying I was sick and maybe I had HIV.  I clearly was not doing something right because even after all these efforts my man has still not come back to me.  I decided to lose more weight pushed myself to lose more. I think I had gotten to point of being anorexic because eating any food was no longer a part of my life.

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at 50kgs

An angle of mercy came to my rescue.  She had seen my transformation and had heard me break down in my room so many times so she sat me down and offered a few pointers.  I remember her advice like she told it to me just yesterday.

No matter how much weight I lost I would never feel beautiful unless I was beautiful to myself first.  Beauty comes from within and with me and then radiates on the outside for everyone to see.  Beauty did not have to be physical alone but both inside and out.

This got me thinking…

Yes I loved my ex boyfriend but for the right love to find me I had to love me first before anyone else could love me.  I had to be my first love and just because we did not work out it does not mean there isn’t a prince waiting for me out there.

 Weight loss and health work hand in hand. I had to take care of my body for it to take care of me. I had to lose weight in a healthy manner so as to avoid skin and stomach issues that I had developed as well as to curb the insomnia (the insomnia had got so bad I couldn’t concentrate at work and I got fired).

Being healthy and being mentally stable work hand in hand, if I am mentally stable I am able to deal with issues that come my way better.

My world and my actions should not be swayed or centered around what people will say about me or about my circumstances but it should be centered about what I feel is right and what I know I should do.

I had to find a way of dealing with my pains, ups and down besides turning to food or to the gym and I chose to keep a journal. That way I could separate issues and still eat healthy and love myself.

After the talk it took me a while to start eating again and to go to the gym.  I now work exercise for a maximum of 2 hours a day and I feed myself with positive affirmations each day.  I got over my ex boyfriend and I moved on. I became my first love and I taught myself to be able to separate issues and deal with them in a healthy and progressive manner. Today I weigh 89kgs (I am definitely not going back to tripledigits on the scale) I am exercising, I have a new job and I LOVE MY BODY SOOOO MUCH. I want to lose weight for me because I want to be healthy and I am doing it in a healthy way this time around.

My new rules of losing weight now are;

  1. Eat a maximum of 5 small meals a day
  2. Watch my portions
  3. Incorporate more vegetables in my meals and less carbs
  4. WATER, WATER and MORE WATER
  5. Run, skip and go to the gym
  6. Prayer and meditation for my soul
  7. Join group of other people that are in the same weightless journey as me for motivation(#RunWithFitnessBae)
  8. When I am not okay I write it down in my journal
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at 89kgs

 

You gain weight gradually and you will certainly lose it gradually.  Weight loss is a journey and not an event.  It takes hard work, determination and perseverance!

 

©MaKupsy 2016

 

 

My One & Only

“To have a happy kid, I figure I need to be a happy mother, and to be a happy mother, I need to be a happy person.” Lauren Sandler

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Miss Kupsy at 3 months 🙂

I have really thought this through, and I am happy to only have one child, Miss Kupsy.  Most people will say it is selfish of me to make such a decision but that’s what I want.  (To them I say feel free to make more babies for yourself, whatever makes you happy works for me) Everyone around me is always telling me that she needs a sibling but to be honest, I feel that she will do just fine on her own, she is an independent little diva.  Growing up I remember I used to say to myself, “If I ever have children I will have two, one or none.”  And here I am with one and that will not be changing anytime soon.  A lot of realities have sunk in after having Miss Kupsy and it is probably for the best that I found out sooner rather than later.  Maybe sometime in the years to come I will change my mind but as it stands I stand firm on the decision on not going through child bearing again in an attempt to give Miss Kupsy a sibling.  Here are my reasons why I have no plans of going through this again:

  • Worrying to death, when you become a mother worrying becomes second nature, well, at least for me.  I worry if I am being a good mother, if I am not spoiling her too much, if she is okay at preschool, if she is going to get better when she gets sick, if I will be able to take her to the good grade school I heard about, worry about what will happen to her if anything ever happened to me.
  • Labour is NO JOKE.
  • I can’t afford to have another child, the amount of MONEY that comes with a child is nothing I even want to start all over again, the diapers, the formula, tjo!
  • I will not be able to give two children everything they need so let’s just stick to one and give her the best of everything.
  • I don’t want to go through severe morning sickness for 3 solid months.
  • It will ruin the body I have been working so damn hard for!
  • The sleepless nights…no one prepares you for that…
  • Breast feeding; my breasts were always engorged.  I will spare you the inside details about when they started cracking and eventually bleeding.
  • Finally, I do not have the energy to start all over again, it works on all aspects of your being, mind, body and soul and frankly speaking I just have enough energy to cater for one child.

That said, I will add on more reasons why I prefer having an only child to my list when more come up.  As it is I am beyond happy and at peace with only having to take care of Miss Kupsy, I doubt if I would ever cope if I had to cater for two children.  It already feels like she is out there running around with my heart, imagine having two of them.  Will I be able to love them the exact same way?  Will my heart be able to handle being divided between two children?  I will probably never know hey because it’s one child only for this mother.

I would like to hear your views on being an only child if you are one, or if you are a mother who also plans on having one child.

©MaKupsy 2016

Day 22 – List Of Things That I Won’t Do (Again) Even If You Paid Me

  1. I will not get pregnant and go through labour again, like ever!
  2. I will not do laundry as long as I can afford to pay the maid.  I actually haven’t done any laundry since January this year.
  3. I will not get artificial nails, they damage my nails and leave them looking unhealthy.images (2)
  4. I will not date just because I am lonely and need an attention boost.
  5. I will not run more than 10K during the week, the day at work is nothing short of painful in all aspects!
  6. I will not drink to get drunk.
  7. I will not share accommodation with anyone, it is unnecessary drama that I can live without.
  8. I will not fart in the presence of my man.  Ask anyone I dated, I do not roll like that.  I still don’t know why though.
  9. I will not pretend to like someone or make conversation when I clearly do not want to do so.
  10. I will not travel to South Africa in winter!

MaKupsy

Day 4 – My Hair Game Is Non-Existent

I used to be a huge fan of human hair extensions.  The only difference was that I used to get the synthetic hair and that was okay until it started doing serious injustice to my hairline.  The main reason I liked the extensions was because my hair doesn’t grow past a certain number of centimeters so at least with that I didn’t feel so bad after all for having not so long hair.

Eventually I chucked the synthetic hair and just round about that time that’s when the Brazilian/ Peruvian/ Virgin hair came along.  I have no idea which is which but I do know it is expensive.  I hear the minimum you can buy this hair that cascades down your back is a good $250.  Please note that these are UNITED STATES DOLLARS.  If that’s the minimum price I shudder to imagine what the maximum is!  This is the reason why my hair game will never succeed in this lifetime.  There is no way I am willing to part with that kind of money for hair alone.  Mind you, you haven’t even included money you will pay the hairdresser or whatever other chemicals or sprays that need to be used to keep the hair looking flawless.  The few women I have seen with this hair look absolutely gorgeous in it and the rest; well, I think they are either buying the imitation version of the hair or are perhaps not taking good care of it.

Chances of seeing me in this lifetime with Brazilian/ Peruvian/ Virgin hair are close to none because I simply can not afford it.  It is way out of reach for me.  If anyone ever offers to buy it for me they would be doing a huge mistake because I promise you I would sell it. (judge me all you like)  The things that I could do with $250 between me and my daughter!  I guess it’s also a growing up thing.  You accept that some things will just miss you and that’s okay, we can’t possibly have everything we want in this life.  I keep my hair short, saves me both time and money and I use the money for other constructive things and at the same time I stay very well in my financial lane.

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photo credit the lovely @mtchikawa (Twitter) rocking her Brazilian 20 inch hair

For those who are rocking the human hair and doing a great job of it then well done ladies and keep doing what you’re doing!  As for those who are not, I reserve the right to remain silent.

MaKupsy

Another Year Another Birthday

 

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It’s going to be my 29th birthday on Sunday and I have decided to compile a list of things I have learnt over the years and some things I have decided to let go off to enter my birthday with nothing but good vibes.

I HAVE LEARNT AND ACCEPTED THAT…

  • Pretending to be someone else doesn’t work.  Just be you, flaws and all.  Someone will love and accept you just the way you are.
  • You do not have to force conversations with anyone.  If you do not want to talk to them it is perfectly fine not to do so.
  • Not everyone will like you, in the same you obviously won’t like everyone.
  • In order for people to understand you, you have to communicate your thoughts and feelings.
  • I am a single mother and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
  • I am losing weight and working out but there is no chance I will ever be a size 10 again in this lifetime.  That’s a good thing though, I love my curves and do not plan on having them disappear.
  • You get over things.  In as much as you think “oh no I will never forgive that person”, you eventually do so and life goes on.
  • Love is beautiful when paired up with someone who feels the same way.
  • Less is more.  Sometimes all you need is a few good friends instead of a truckload of them.

I HAVE LET GO OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST…

  • I fell dangerously in love with someone who did not love me back.
  • I suffered a heartbreak that nearly killed me with depression.
  • I did not get married the man I loved.
  • I made some pretty shitty decisions in the name of love.
  • I was responsible for some of the bad things that happened to me.

And lastly I stole this from somewhere and it actually makes perfect sense and it will be my new mantra until I hit the next milestone!

“Saturn has now orbited the sun once since you’ve been alive; make this next go-round whatever you want it to be. Consider your baggage (bad boyfriends, job setbacks, body issues) lost by the airline of life, leaving you empty-handed at your new destination…”

MaKupsy