My Battle With Suicidal Thoughts

In our African Culture suicide is something people don’t openly talk about.  I would like to believe there are people who have gone through what I used to go through but never told a soul or perhaps went on to carry out the act of suicide because they had no one else to turn to.  This is not an easy post for me to write because I know it will open old wounds and raise eyebrows but I feel it’s a story that needs to be shared and hopefully help someone who is probably contemplating suicide.

I have three close friends and I have told them about my battle with suicide thoughts.  It wasn’t something I just woke up one morning and decided to share with them; I had to make sure I could trust them with my dark side and have confidence that they would not ridicule me…I have always been a neat freak.  The state of my house reflects the thoughts in my head.  If I am in a happy and healthy space my house is sparkling clean.  If I am upset and overwhelmed then as you can expect my house will be an actual mess.

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Image from Pinterest

However, there was a time being a neat freak was not only about keeping my house clean.  It was my way of preparing to leave.  Why was I sticking around anyway, no one loved me, no one cared about me or believed in me so what wast the point of it all?  I thought to myself if I finally decide to end my life then at least people should come to a clean house and pack my things away without a hassle.

This happened to me for months on end. I would think about how I was going to go about it.  I walk to work and I cross a very busy street.  Some days I would contemplate throwing myself right in front of an oncoming car, other days I would think of jumping off from an office building and on the worst days I would think of getting run over by a train.  The one time I even asked my doctor friend if slitting my wrists would kill me.  I obviously asked in a round about way and when he told me it would send me straight to my death bed I had one more method to add to my list.  What made all these thoughts more real was all the suicide incidents that I would read about in the paper every other day and I would think to myself, why not; this will definitely end all my misery!  I was in a very dark space and what fueled these suicide thoughts were the obstacles that I kept facing; (heartbreak, unfulfilled dreams, low self esteem, no life purpose).  

The thing about suicidal thoughts is that you can’t go around telling people that’s what’s going on in your head incase they might think you have lost your marbles.  You will be fighting demons that you can’t see but can feel at every waking moment.  I had an injured soul and I took to many devices to try and cure it with no luck.  My friend used to complain about my “mood swings” not realising that they had more to do with my thoughts more than anyone in particular.  I could go for weeks, months on end without wanting to speak to her and some of my friends.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I withdrew from social media platforms, I even stopped going out but took to drinking alcohol instead to numb my thoughts.

From my experience suicidal thoughts come with depression which is unfortunately not acknowledged in our culture.  Tell most people that you are depressed and they will tell you to get over it.  I know you are reading this probably asking yourself why I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through.  Well, I did actually but I didn’t tell them the full details. What I got in return was “It’s a phase it will pass.”  Unfortunately this phase stuck with me from College days till just a few years ago when the suicidal thoughts finally left and set me free.

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Image from Pinterest

I would be lying if I tried to give you a formula on how to get rid of that heavy feeling you feel around your chest.  The thoughts of how you are worthless and how you are not serving any purpose on this earth.  The thoughts that suicide will make things right for you.  I don’t have that because for me I just woke up one morning and the dark cloud that had been hovering above me was gone.  I think whatever it was realised that it was putting me through unnecessary pain because with each day I was becoming more and more disinterested in life and I could hardly recognise myself.

Suicide is real.  I have seen friends take their lives over a heartbreak, people throw themselves off a building because of financial stress and wives burn themselves to death after finding out about their husband’s infidelity.  Before I experienced suicidal thoughts I mocked them and thought to myself who in their right minds would end their lives over things that could be fixed? I hadn’t walked in their shoes and it was easy for me to judge them.  I didn’t know that sometimes the thoughts in your head can be so bad you have to find a way to run away from them and suicide may be the only way out.  Now I understand that some people, me included will go through and have gone through some dark phases in their lives and unfortunately for some they will not live to tell their story but for the lucky few you get a chance at life again.

I am thankful that I never went through any attempt to commit suicide.  It all ended in my head.  Had I gone through with it I would have never had the chance to see my beautiful little girl.  I would have not seen how much of a positive and determined individual I have become and I would not have had the chance to write this and share this with you.

I am generally a bubbly individual. I have great days and not so great ones but my life experience so far has made me realise that we are all going through something.  It’s easy for us to forget to be kind to the next person but if you can be good to those around you.  You never know the difference your encouraging words or smile can alter their entire day.  Your positive energy may the the one reason they won’t go ahead and commit suicide.

In most cases of suicide a person doesn’t want to die they just want to stop the pain.

©MaKupsy 2017

#RunWithFitnessBae Was Trending On Twitter!!!

Success is a result of good judgment. Good judgment is usually a result of experience. Experience is usually a result of bad judgment. – Tony Robbins

The first thing I should be telling you is how I ended up using Twitter before we all get excited about my hashtag trending.  Sometime in 2011 Miss Kupsy’s father used to spend half his time on his phone and I would get super annoyed.  Back then Facebook was the it thing and I knew he wasn’t on it so I would wonder what in the world he was doing on his phone.  Eventually I asked him and he told me he was on Twitter.  I decided to open an account and get myself started on it.  I can safely say I found myself in a dark never ending tunnel, I was completely lost.  I had no idea how the application worked and so decided to leave it for a while.

Facebook was getting a tad bit boring and I deleted the account.  I decided it was time I tried out this alien looking Twitter and guess what, I LOVED IT.  I had to teach myself about the ins and outs, the who to follow the where to place the hash key and a whole bunch of other things.  It was a fun experience because well, this was something new and I got to Tweet whatever I wanted without relatives then calling to ask me about what I just wrote.  Best feeling ever! However, after breaking up with Miss Kupsy’s father I went into a serious case of depression.  No one knew about it though, all they saw were tweets talking about how much I was drinking that day and the random outbursts of cursing.  I was in a bad space and Twitter was my outlet.  I took some time out; it must have been 2 months away from Twitter and reevaluated my life.  When I got back I was all about fitness.

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I took to writing down my new resolution on my blog and on social media pages so that I would be accountable to my words.  It was not easy at first but over time I started getting better and better and exercising and eating right.  I know I annoyed a lot of people with my runs and exercise routines but I had finally found something that was giving me happy hormones and a reason to fly out of bed. I remember around the time that’s when the term “Bae” came along and seeing that I was very single at the time I decided to name myself “Fitness Bae“and since then everyone I meet refers to me as Fitness Bae.

Back to the trending topic…I have a WhatsApp group with fitness enthusiasts.  When I came up with the hashtag years back the idea was to have more people with the same interests join me on my journey.  Going with Fitness Bae as a hashtag didn’t sound catchy enough so I thought wait, my main form of exercise is running…so let me make it #RunWithFitnessBae !! And there you have it, the hashtag that has brought people from all walks of life and different parts of the world to exercise together and stay focused on their fitness journey.

 

 

The very day I was trending on Top 3 Onai gave me a call to come through to their studio to talk about my hashtag.  We got to sit down and have a chat and was I nervous or what?  It was my very first time doing something of the sort live and there was no chance to rehearse anything.  The great thing about the experience was that they were all very hyped up and made the experience less intimidating.  Once we started off I couldn’t stop, the amount of passion I have for Fitness is indescribable.  Words were just flowing out and I was thinking why was I even scared to begin with??  It was great fun and apparently I will be doing it again soon for a whole hour!  You can listen in to the podcast; I start featuring from around 15:10 over here.

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It was a great weekend filled with Zumba, exercise, friends, podcasts, fun and a bottle of white wine!  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my fitness addiction would take the Twitter Timeline by storm.  There is nothing as heart warming as trending and being known for a good cause.   Thank you to Onai for having me on his show.  Exercise is my life, I can’t function without it and I am happy to have a team that is equally enthusiastic about it.

A big shout out to team #RunWithFitnessBae we run this!!

 

MaKupsy© 2017

 

 

 

 

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Start Staying Together!

Dating can be a really fun experience.  From the dates, the gifts,the getting to know each other phase.  Your partner seems perfect, too perfect sometimes you start thinking they might be too good to be true.  In my opinion it’s like that because you don’t get to spend ALL your time with them.  I think the one time you truly get to find out who you are dating is when you start living together.  I once tried out cohabiting and the first few months were bliss.  Nothing can compare to waking up next to the person who makes your heart go pitter-patter.  Lovely as it may seem, there are a few issues that come with living together, let me list a few of them.  This was my experience…

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Sleeping Patterns

I sleep really early.  On a good day I am lights out anytime before 9:30pm.  When I go to sleep I want complete darkness in the room and no background noise.  That wasn’t the same for my partner.  He loved watching TV in bed and he used to wake up at ungodly hours to watch NFL games.  You can imagine how annoyed I got because that meant I would be wide awake and most times I had work the next day and that just made me very cranky come morning.  He was happy he got to watch the game, I was pissed off because I didn’t have enough sleep.  Drama, drama!

Bad Habits

We all have our little bad habits that are magnified once we start spending all our time with someone. Things like:

  • not putting the toilet seat back down when you finish using the loo.
  • not flushing after you finishing doing whatever business you choose to partake in in the loo.
  • farting in the presence of your partner. I know this one becomes inevitable after staying together for a long time BUT personally, it’s a no no.
  • not picking up after yourself.
  • not making the bed, in my world if you are the last one to leave the bed it’s your job to sure you make it, sounds fair to me.

Household Chores

This can be a real train smash if one of you is lazy.  You might end up feeling taken for granted because all the household chores will be on your list of things to do.  From experience I have concluded that everyone has something that they don’t mind doing housework wise and something they absolutely can’t stand!  For example, I don’t mind doing laundry, it’s the ironing part I can’t deal with.  I used to do all the laundry and once it was dry I would fold it and pack it away and iron as I go.  My partner found it absolutely ridiculous.  He believed once laundry was done it had to be ironed there and then. For the sake of peace and progress we split that chore and made sure I washed and he ironed, everyone is happy.  However, the other chores around the house were a real mission because he was lazy and I ended up doing everything else and resented him as each day passed by.

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Finances

I like saving for a rainy day.  I am that one person who probably has some money stashed away somewhere for emergencies.  I don’t believe in spending all my money and then worrying about how I am going to get to my next pay cheque.  My partner on the other hand loved blowing his money.  We would sit down, draw up a budget and agreed that come end of the month we would do a,b,c,d.  You don’t know what frustration is until you get home and find out that your partner has bought a $50 shirt that wasn’t a part of the budget and now you have to forgo important things that month.  It’s at that point that you realise that people clearly have different priorities.  Don’t get me wrong, getting yourself new things is all fine and dandy but when you have talked about things beforehand it would be important to communicate such decisions for the sake of peace and progress.

Sex

This blog would be incomplete without mentioning  sex.  Trust me when I tell you, the sex will be amazing.  Well, it was for me.  Sex at any time of day, no need to send a message asking “Sweetiepie how long are you going to take to get here?” when you are feeling hot and bothered because you have your partner with you.  You can explore, experiment and get enough the orgasms because there is no rush to go anywhere.  BUT there is obviously a big but in this; when things are not going well between a couple especially due to some of the issues I have mentioned above sex might not even happen.  Couples that are usually unhappy end up not having sex and just become room mates who happen to share a bed.  Thankfully we didn’t experience this because maybe we were just sex addicts (if sex saved relationships we would probably still be together) but for some I have heard that you can go a pretty long time without sex when your partner is mad at you.

Depression

This is an actual thing!  When you stay with someone chances of feeling depressed are actually very high especially when things are not going well between the two of you.  I remember we used to have cases where after a verbal fight he would walk out of the house and not come back.  Sometimes he would go for a whole weekend and I would be worried sick to my stomach not knowing if him walking away meant we had broken up, if he was alive, if he still wanted to talk to me…I had a million questions going through my head and him not picking up my calls or replying my messages made me all the more miserable.  I ended up feeling depressed and even after he came back and we talked things through in my heart I was never settled because I kept thinking one day he is going to walk away and never come back.  I had no hold on him, after all we were cohabiting and not legally married…

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To be honest, if you are thinking of cohabiting I say give it a try knowing that it might actually work out for you and if marriage is the end goal for both of you it might happen.  They say compromise is key right?  If you find that special someone you can gladly compromise then by all means don’t let my experience stop you.

Personally I won’t try it again, I have crossed out my bucket list in that department.  It was beautiful while it lasted but I love my space too much to have anyone else all up in it.  All that freedom to just be myself and do absolutely nothing all day in peace is priceless.  Then again I can’t exactly be alone for the rest of my life it would be nice to have someone to share all my highs and lows.  What would probably work would be staying in different apartments in the same building but we are still a couple or just getting married and buying a big house where you can always retreat to a different room when you are feeling upset and reconcile when you have cooled down…

After all is said and done, what matters the most is how you feel about each other and how far you are willing to go to make your relationship.  Do what works for you and for the betterment of your living arrangement because at the end of the day what’s important is your happiness.  When you decide to stay with your partner get in it with open eyes and an open heart.

Have you been in a cohabiting scenario before.  How did it work for you?  Are you still together with your cohabiting partner?  Are there any tips you would want to share on how to make living together more manageable?  Are you pro or anti cohabiting?

©MaKupsy 2016

My Bedroom Is A Mess!

You should see the state of affairs in my bedroom, you would think some crazy woman lives there.  Everything is everywhere!  I am one of the neatest and tidiest people I know ( if I do say so myself) but lately I just wouldn’t give a damn!  Yesterday I had told myself self, self; make sure you clean up and make this the little haven it always is but self would not cooperate.  So I spent the rest of my afternoon lying in bed, chatting on WhatsApp for the most part of the day, watching this series titled Undateable which I have decided to rate 5/10 because some it’s funny, but not so funny.

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photo credit : http://haminikan.co

I had forgotten I had last had my last meal in the morning so around 4 pm I decided to get up and get some cooking done.  I hate cooking for myself by the way, such a mammoth task!  Then dishes need to be done afterwards, the inconvenience…maybe I should just invest in some paper plates and paper cups?   So ever since I discovered that you can add mayonnaise to your macaroni my life has been heaven on earth!  The main reason being I don’t particularly like macaroni but the mayonnaise is making it more palatable for me.

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Macaroni mixed with mayonnaise, beef stew  & mixed greens ( I HATE BEEF by the way, but it was the quickest cooking option at the moment)

My personal space usually reflects what’s going on with me emotionally.  So my room being such a big mess just means I am an emotional wreck at the moment.  I have so many things going on with me I can’t even begin to list them.  You know what the biggest problem is though?  When I am going through this phase no amount of texting about it will help.  I NEED to talk to someone, face to face, someone who will understand all the different emotions I am going through.  Someone who will give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be okay.   Who spends a whole day doing nothing and even forgetting to eat?  And the worst part, last night I didn’t even sleep one wink, I kept tossing and turning in bed.  I am actually starting to worry that I might actually be feeling depressed.

I am tired of having to hear the “It’s going to be okay, Worse things have happened to people, It’s just a phase, Be strong.”  I can’t!  I am unhappy and I have tried everything under the sun to stay happy but I just can’t seem to find peace and guess what, the upcoming holiday season is just going to make me feel worse by the minute.  I know everyone has problems but fuck it I need to fix how I am feeling right now!

MaKupsy

 

Hello – Adele

Adele has done it again!  She has released a song and music video that I have watched close to 15 times already this morning and I keep getting goosebumps.   Talented does not even begin to describe Adele!  Do you have any idea how many times I have been listening to her last album Adele 21 and hoping and wishing she would drop a new album soon?  I read online that she confirmed her brand new album is called ’25’ and that it’s dropping on 20 NOVEMBER 2015 people, mark your calender’s people because I just did so this end.

I am so glad she is back and she is back with a bang.  You would think her being away would change things, trust me she has changed to greater heights if you ask me.  Thanks to Twitter almost everyone that I follow has been tweeting about it and there is no way such great news would miss a music lover.

Here are part of the lyrics to her new song, you can get the rest of the lyrics from http://lirik90.blogspot.com/

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years
You’d like to meet, to go over
Everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing
Hello, can you hear me?
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet
There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles
Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times to tell you
I’m sorry, for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried to tell you
I’m sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore
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After I listened to this track a lot of things went through my head, especially all the wrongs I did to one guy that I dated.  A part of me really wanted to blog about him and write a letter of apology but NO I will not partake in that, he is in the past, buried away in time and I would like to keep it that way.  I have fought the feeling of not writing about him this whole time I have been blogging and I won’t let this very sad song break my promise.
Okay so I really tried to fight the feeling but I ended up calling that ex all the way in Namibia and my Tweind Fortune describes the feeling I gave in to as the “Adele Effect” and one must never underestimate it!
It’s really easy to write about when people do you wrong but you have no idea how hard it is to write a blog that will reveal just how much you broke someone else’s heart…
Are you an Adele fan?  If yes, how do you rate her new song on a scale of 0-10?
MaKupsy