How To Lose A Great Guy

One of the main reasons I started blogging was because of a guy.  I had caught feelings so bad I thought they were going to suffocate me in my sleep and I would die without him ever knowing it.  Fast forward to a few months after posting that blog we started dating.  Please note he had not seen that post because it was the only post I had made so thankfully nature took its natural course.

However, this was going to be a long distance relationship.  He worked out of the country and he would only come home twice a year.  We spoke about the challenges we would face where distance was concerned and given that he worked on a cruise ship it meant that the greater part of the time I would not get to speak to him over the phone because most times he would be at sea.  When you are in love you think everything will be a walk in the park.  We made promises to each other before he left and everything was bliss.

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Image from Google

The first few weeks were manageable.   We got to communicate through WhatsApp every other day and each time I saw his name pop up on my screen my face would light up.  I was at that point I would get upset if anyone else tried to send me a message because I only wanted to hear from him.

Weeks turned into months and communication was getting less and less because he had to work.  At first I played the understanding girlfriend, after all I already knew what I had signed myself up for beforehand.  I kept myself busy with other activities and tried not to obsess over carrying my phone around everywhere in case he tried getting in touch with me.  When I didn’t hear from weeks I started feeling blue.  I remember sending a message to my friend and telling her that I wasn’t okay and I was missing my boyfriend so much.  She reassured me that all would be okay and as soon as he was free he would definitely get in touch with me.

It’s not easy when someone who means the world to you is miles away and you can’t do anything but wait to hear from him.  The most I could do was email him and you can only send so many emails before you start sounding obsessive.  I had to wait…Eventually he would get time to chat and Voice Messages have never sounded so precious.  I felt better again and I was back to my happy self.

I really fought the feeling of ending things.  I was getting more and more frustrated by the day.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I didn’t love him, I did but my language of love is Quality Time and in order to feel closely connected to my partner I have to spend time with him.  That wasn’t happening; not that I didn’t know it wasn’t going to be happening but I didn’t realise it would be so hard!  Why did I even get myself into this?  Oh yes, LOVE.

I ended up sending him a message telling him I was unhappy and that the relationship was over.  (My heart was breaking as I typed every single word to him).  He only got the message a few days after I sent it and he never replied.  That was the most regrettable thing I have done to date.  A part of me wanted to send another message telling him I didn’t mean what I had said.  I really didn’t but I think I was just longing for his attention and I went about it the wrong way!  I knew his schedule and I knew he would be back home in a few weeks so I assured myself that he would surely visit when he arrived and say something; anything.

The moment he landed in Zimbabwe he came to see me!

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Image from Google

That was the longest hug I had ever given him, it was heartfelt and I genuinely had missed him tonnes.  Everyone in the office was saying hi to him because they knew him from visits he would make when he was around.  I have never felt so much relief, in my head I thought him coming to see me was a good sign.  He picked me up after work and we went for a drive.  We talked about everything, his travels, my fitness obsession, he was shocked at the amount of weight I had lost since the last time we had seen each other.

After avoiding the real issue at hand he finally told me that he had come to see me because he wanted us to remain in good books even after things had not gone well between us.   He told me he had seen my message and he had been saddened because he thought we were going to work out.  He also said that he was not one to push if I had made up my mind he was not going to be in a relationship with someone who wanted out.  At this point in my head I was screaming noooooo, that wasn’t what it was I just wanted your attention I didn’t mean to break up with you! I really lost out on a good thing.  He was a great guy but I was childish about putting my feelings across.  Once he was done talking I just said it was okay and we went on to have dinner and he dropped me off at home.

We spoke a few times after that, he even went all out to make my birthday super special.   When he left the country that time around he only sent me a message to tell me he was leaving and when he arrived on the other side of the world he sent another message and that was the last time I heard from him.  I missed him, I missed him so much until I had to change my phone number because I knew I was never going to hear from him again.

The motive of this story?  Do not break up with someone unless you really feel that you want out.  Hoping that the next person will come running and begging for you to take them back or make it work might not actually happen.  You will end up single and miserable and wishing you had not sent that message or made that phone call. If you are really over someone tell them in person because that from what I have learnt shows maturity.

Have you been in a situation like this before?

I want to know from the guys, have you taken someone back after she told you she didn’t want to be with you anymore?

 

©MaKupsy 2016

 

 

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Desperate Housewives

When everyone was all excited about the television series Desperate Housewives I joined in but only got to watch the first two seasons because I never really had time to sit down and watch it.  A few weeks ago my friend brought me back to the series and gave me the whole 8 seasons of it and I have been hooked ever since.  I am currently watching Season 6 and the first episode left me feeling a lot of different things.  Here’s the thing.

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Image from Google

If you go back to season 5 Mike had moved in with Catherine and they seemed happy.  Well, Catherine mostly did because she hadn’t been in a relationship in a while and was happy to finally have someone in her life.  Mike seemed distant and still in love with his ex wife Susan. (But apparently they had both “moved on”) Catherine obviously didn’t see that Mike wasn’t head over heels for her because she was in a love bubble of her own.  I think it was brave of Catherine to ask Mike if he was ever going to marry her because Mike told her the truth that he didn’t know.  And you know that for most women we choose to not pay attention to what a man says.  He actually told her the truth but we always find a way of hoping somehow he will change his mind because we are just programmed like that I guess.  The other issue I have with Mike is that he will go above and beyond for Susan just to make her happy but clearly won’t do much for Catherine.  I can safely say Catherine gets half baked love from Mike but Susan on the other hand…There are real life cases where you date a guy and he treats you like crap but then dates the next woman and treats her like a queen and you wonder what the fuck is that all about?  So then;the series continues and a whole lot of things happen but this is the part that really got to me when I watched episode one of season 6.

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Mike just went on to marry Susan and left Catherine out in the cold.  Okay fine, maybe Catherine made a not so wise decision by hooking up with someone she knew still had unresolved issues but give her a break, you can’t exactly choose who you fall in love with, or can you?  Why does Susan always get what she wants though?  That again is not fair!  I was really sad on Catherine’s behalf.  How do women end up in situations like this though?  How do we just feel the need to fall for the emotionally unavailable guy?  Do we not see the signs?  And as for Mike, how do you just drop Catherine like a hot potato and get back to your ex wife (Susand) and forget about all the promises you made to Catherine?  Didn’t she at least mean something to you?  Does this mean she doesn’t have feelings too or she should just get over it and move on.  Mind you she stays right across the street and will get to witness everything the pair gets up to.  Man, the world is a cold ass place…

I should clearly stop over analysing things, it’s just a series!!

©MaKupsy 2017

I Can’t Sleep!

This will be my second week of unhappiness in the sleep department.  I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep and it is starting to affect me in a very bad way.  Last night I went to bed at 7pm thanks to an excruciating headache that felt like it was going to pop my eyes right out!  I later woke up around 11pm and couldn’t sleep properly and ended up killing time on TwitterYou would think all the running and exercising I do would at least make me tired enough to pass out like it used to but no, even the evening run I did last night didn’t help matters.

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The thing is I am going through something.  I am feeling things that are feeding on my feel good hormones but unfortunately right now I can’t talk about it.  The only thing I can do is find a way to deal with it.  Some days I really wish we had shrinks in this country. (Maybe we do and I’m not aware of them?)  You would just call them up, make an appointment and just let out all your thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged or ridiculed.

I miss waking up with extra energy and enthusiasm.  I actually miss just going to bed and actually getting to sleep through the night.

I am feeling so unhappy.

MaKupsy

 

 

 

The Heat!

 

Goodness me, I don’t remember the last time I slept soundly.  Today the weather forecast predicts a maximum temperature of 33 Degrees Celsius.  If you ask me it feels like it has been 40 plus Degrees the past few days.  It is freaking hot this side of the equator!!!  Hot isn’t even the word actually, it’s just so uncomfortable I don’t know what to call it anymore.

I have to wake up at 0430hrs so that I get to head out for my morning run because anytime later the sun will be out and blazing and my energy levels dwindle when the sun is out.  By the time I am normally done with my run it’s anytime just before 0530hrs and it will be already blazing hot!  Whatever sins we are paying for may the gods please forgive us already, we have learnt our lesson and we will stay on the straight and narrow path because this is not on.

Last night in an attempt to sleep better I made a “cold water bottle”.  I froze a bottle of water and then put it next to me in bed. HAHAHAHA Desperate times people, desperate times.  It didn’t work though, it just felt even more uncomfortable.  Then I decided to soak myself in a whole bath tub of cold water for a few minutes.  I felt better for just a few minutes then it was back to the heat.  Sleeping naked is a total waste of time, been there, tried that you can still feel the heat.  Opening the windows just made things worse because mosquitoes came flying in.  Do mosquitoes ever sleep?  This is a genuine question by the way.   I have been contemplating getting a fan but I know I can’t sleep with it on because I know myself and that will just be a recipe for catching a cold.

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I drink a lot of water already but now I drink a lot of water with lots of ice to try and cool down but this stuff is only working temporarily.  I have no intentions of going to hell after experiencing this heat on earth.  If what they say about hell being burning hot and I feel like I am being roasted right here and right now then that bus can miss me any day!

I keep thinking if I feel like I am going to pass out any minute at bed time and yet I sleep alone, what about couples?  How are they managing in this heat?  Then there is sex…How do you even get your freak on in this freaking heat?  Unless you have sex in the shower or in the bath tub, that could work.  Actually, I need to put that on my bucket list.

What are you guys doing to help you cool down?  I am in desperate need of ideas.  I have even stopped leaving the office during my lunch break because the heat will just make me feel tired and drained.

This heat is making me really unhappy.

MaKupsy

Maybe…

Today I bumped into a Tweet by a guy named Rogers and it read;

Most women don’t know what to do with a man who loves them completely, so they doubt the authenticity of his feelings and then ruin it all.

Maybe I am just scared

Scared the worst will happen

Maybe I am scared that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me

Maybe I am scared this story might actually have a happy ending

Maybe I am scared that he actually loves me

Love…

I promised myself I would never fall in love again

Promised I would never feel that emotion in this lifetime

Promised that I never wanted the pain that came with a love gone wrong

But here I am

Maybe I am just crawling back in my shell because I keep thinking this is too good to be true

After being disappointed by the people who meant the most

It is becoming harder for me to enjoy something heart warming

I love but

I am afraid to be loved

And if I keep at it I am going to ruin a perfectly beautiful thing

MaKupsy

Day 11 – Wakandipedzera Nguva Yangu (You Wasted My Time)

I got into the office and started listening to Selmor Mtukudzi.  I absolutely love this track, the beat and the message speak to me and I know after you listen to this track you will want to get your dancing shoes on. She sings about how a man wasted a woman’s time and decided she wanted some “space” in their relationship.

I want to know from you; have you been in a relationship where you felt that the next person was taking you for a ride?  At what point did you just say enough is enough?  Did you keep holding onto something  you could see was clearly going nowhere?  What were the signs that made you say my time has officially been wasted?!

MaKupsy

Day 9 – The Answer To Fighting Stress!

I am sorry to announce that my blog title was misleading, but seeing that you already clicked the link let’s get on to reading shall we?  I unfortunately do not have the answer to fighting stress but I can tell you how I manage my own stress or fears.

  1. I run.  I already have a serious and dedicated running workout plan but when I am stressed out or worried about something I run like there is no tomorrow at a pace that even scares me.  Maybe it’s my body’s way of “running away” from my troubles.
  2. I read a lot of self help articles online.
  3. I fix myself something to eat that is packed with a tonne of calories; most days it works but on some days I end up feeling worse than what I was initially feeling. (Don’t try this idea)
  4. I fix  a seriously strong drink and down it. Unfortunately my alcohol tolerance levels are pathetic lately so two or three glasses later I fall asleep.
  5. I call my closest cousin or text my very close friends on WhatsApp and try to figure out what to do about how I am feeling.
  6. I sleep.
  7. I take time off from work to try and sort out my feelings.
  8. I attempt to cry.  I am messed up like that, I can’t seem to cry for reasons that I still unknown to me.  But making out faces of what I would look like when I am crying helps me in a weird sort of way.
  9. I try and keep a positive mindset and remind myself that this too shall come to pass.

There you have it the 9 not-so-effective ways to fighting stress, do attempt them at your own risk.

MaKupsy

Miss Petty

I think people just take advantage of me sometimes and when I look at it it’s not a good thing at all.  I always complain on my Twitter timeline about how my work colleagues are constantly asking me for one thing or the other.  If it’s not coffee, it’s probably juice, or a sandwich, a piece of whatever I would have packed in my lunchbox or whatever I happen to be eating at the time, pain killers, tampons, yes; they don’t stop at food!  I have just about had it and even after telling them to buy their own supplies they insist on coming back to ask for my things.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind sharing but what I do mind is the same person (people) who keep asking me for something all the damn time!

Let me break it down…I had a whole 500g tin of coffee just a few months back and someone discovered that and since that day him and another colleague were coming to my desk almost everyday to ask for coffee.  I didn’t mind the first week but after that I clearly told them that it was not on and they had to buy their own coffee but alas, it was certainly falling on deaf ears.  They went on to finish the whole tin and you think they replaced it? NO.  Did they keep coming back to ask for coffee?  Of course not, but listen to this, one of them actually had the audacity to ask me “When are you buying some more coffee?”   The freaking nerve!  I simply ignored him.  I know you are reading this and probably thinking MaKupsy is a tad bit petty but this is a real problem and I am actually pretty upset about it and I know if I write about it I will feel a whole lot better.

I pack a lunchbox to take to work on most days.  The reason behind it is because I prefer my home cooked meals and healthy sandwich options that I can prepare on my own plus I save a lot of money while I am at it.  I remember when I first started working at my current work place everyone would laugh and ask why I would pack a lunchbox at my age and I was puzzled to note that a packed lunchbox had an age restriction, really??  Anyways, after they realised what was in my lunchbox the “Can I have a a bite” requests were endless, at first I would share but later on I decided this is crazy, I only have one child and I don’t remember taking her to work with me so these very able bodied people should leave my lunchbox alone!

Then there is the tampon issue.  I think that every woman should keep tampons or sanitary wear on her person and if she goes to work it would be ideal to keep a stash in her office drawer because it’s the surest way of preventing “accidents”.  I work with grown ass women, women way older than me (who you would assume are more organised than me) but trust me I am guaranteed that one of them will come to me asking for a tampon; which I gladly give them because these things happen.  What I then don’t understand is how you continue to come back month after month and expecting to get a tampon from me.  Where in the world do you think these tampons are coming from?  Definitely not Santa Clause!!  I happen to BUY my tampons and they should be doing the same too.  Better still, after asking from me so many times how about actually replacing my freaking tampons!!! So now whenever anyone comes to ask for them I simply say I don’t have any because there is a pharmacy right downstairs and they should go there and buy themselves a whole packet for all I care.

I am feeling better already after venting about this.  I am not social welfare people and my patience has been tried for too long, from now on I won’t give anyone anything because I am sick of people taking advantage of me!

MaKupsy

He Was The Love Of My Life

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can’t sleep at night 

I usually like listening to some soulful old school on Sundays.  I had a lot of  Brandy on my playlist and it got my mind thinking back to the time when I was in love.  Brandy sings and asks “Have you ever loved somebody so much?” The answer is YES.  Just once in my life so far.

Once upon a time I was so in love I couldn’t even think straight.  Amazing how that feeling just creeps up on you when you least expect it.  It was an all consuming kind of love.  There was nothing in the world I would not have done for him because he meant everything to me.  You know that kind of love where he is the only man you see.  No one else exists in your thoughts because only he lives there.  It possibly isn’t healthy as well, but when you are in it you don’t see just how much damage that can do to you.  All the same I was stupid in love.  I can’t say he treated me like a queen but he would give me doses of affection that left me wanting more of him.  He made me feel special and wanted but I always questioned myself wondering if he really did love me.

I ended up doing his laundry, cooking for him, spending all my spare time with him without even noticing it.  I even gave him the keys to my apartment.  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I VALUE MY SPACE???  That’s just how much I wanted him around.  I trusted him with my heart.  I thought that he would never do anything to hurt me…but he did.  Eventually I came to realise that just because someone is the love of your life, it doesn’t automatically make you the love of their life.  That man took my feelings for granted.  He took my heart and stabbed it so many times with what was probably a blunt knife because it took me forever and a day to heal the wounds and finally get over him.

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Always remember that you can’t make someone love you.  Either they love you or they don’t.

Matters of the heart are complicated.  What I do know however is that communication is the best thing that was ever invented.  I think that if you honestly do not feel the same about someone you should be honest enough to tell them.  That way you save them unnecessary hurt and pain.  Is it not better to hurt from rejection and move right along with your life; than to hurt from empty promises and lies about how the next person claims to feel about you.  Life is too short to live it on lies.  The one time experience I had on what I thought was true love got me questioning everything and everyone.  I don’t believe in anything that someone tells me.  Now I simply believe in actions; because “Actions speak louder than words.”  It completely sucks that one person ruined my perception on love and relationships.

Will I ever love again?  Of course I will!  The only difference is I will guard my heart jealously and not give it away freely because not everyone who says they love you has your best interests at heart. Believe that!

Will I listen to Brandy again?  Not anytime soon because here I am dwelling on the past again…

To be honest he truly was the love of my life even though the fairytale I thought we were in had a not so happy ending.

MaKupsy