Day 29: Are You The One Catching A Grenade?

Relationships are a sensitive subject and there is always something new that happens to f*ck things up!  Just when you think you and your partner are smooth sailing you start picking up a red flag or two and think this too shall come to pass?  Most times it does but some times it doesn’t and you end up stuck in a relationship that is slowly sucking the life out of you.  There are different signs for everyone but I would like to believe that the following usually spell bad news is on it’s way.  I know I always want to look at the sunny side of things but let’s be honest sometimes you might really be the only one catching a grenade in your relationship.

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Image from Google

  • Envy
  • Cruel behaviour or attitude
  • Negativity (general outlook)
  • Lack of interest in you or your life
  • Abuse of all types
  • Feeling that you are no longer happy within the relationship

Methinks toxic relationships can be summed up in Bruno Mar’s song, Grenade, have a listen…

You thought this was going to be a never ending post on relationships right?  It’s Friday and there is just one more day to go on the #30DayAfriBlogger Challenge.  I’m going to keep it short and sweet.

Do you have any signs that you would like to add to the list?  I would love to hear from you.

©MaKupsy 2017

 

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Day 27: The Joys of Singledom

After asking a few people they told me they have never been single in their life, like ever.  They have jumped from one relationship to the next and never had the chance to just be on their own.  I know one friend who told me she would never cope being single because she is so used to having a man on her arm showering her with love and attention.  The reasons she told me about always being in a relationship will obviously be a topic for a different day because that will just spoil the mood I am trying to set in this post.  So what is being single?  Google will have you know that they define single as not married or not having a serious romantic relationship with someone.

I’m a mother and dating can be one heck of a tricky scenario because it’s no longer about what I want anymore.  I make decisions on who I will date depending on whether they will be good for my daughter or not.  I’m still working on that formula but trust me my intuition is never wrong when it comes to deciding on who to and who not to introduce to her.  Whoever I choose to be with has to be someone I can count on and be supportive especially emotionally supportive when I’m going through the most.  A bonus is someone who can develop a relationship with my daughter naturally.  When I feel confident that this is someone who will be around for a long time then I can gladly introduce them to her.  That said…

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photo credit from my Twitter tweind @monakadurira

I initially wanted to look at both the good and the bad things about being single.  But I decided not to because I am in a happy place and want to keep everything around me filled with positivism.  That said let me jump right into the joys of singledom and then later on add a few people’s views on their single status.

So; about that single life.  You do not have to answer to no one and that means you can do as you please, no questions asked.  (doing who you please is also very much an option)  You have this thing called “me time” that comes in abundance.  For someone who likes her space like me it’s the best thing about being single.  The other thing that just brings a huge smile on my face is that when you are single you are not busy worrying about what your partner is up to, with who, why, where and how.  That can be really taxing on your emotions given the rate at which most people don’t seem to be taking their relationships seriously these days and cheating has become a way of life for some.  You can sleep on your own in your own bed in any way you like, you can sleep like a starfish, upside down, back to front, inside out (does that even exist?) Whatever the case you have all that sleeping space to yourself and no snoring or farting partner to deal with!

The trip to New Start Centre is a breeze when you are single and have not been sexually active.  You can go there with your head up knowing you have been good to yourself and your body.  Have you been to New Start Centre when you have been busy sexing your boyfriend without protection and then found out he has been cheating??  That’s round about the time you wish you had stayed single and celibate and wish you could just cut out your vagina and throw it straight into the sea because it is clearly giving you unnecessary stress!

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Image from Google

Anywho, let’s see, what else is great about being single…oh yes, you get to treat yourself right and that can also be a yardstick for the way you would want your partner to treat you when you get into a relationship.  You learn the art of dating yourself.  You can try out going for dinner, a movie, coffee, stand up comedy, anything that tickles your fancy because there is no way you should miss out on the fun side of life just because you do not have anyone to share it with.

Some of my single blog readers had a few tips to share on what they love about being single, here goes:

Blog Reader 1
  • You can be alone and learn to love it, live with it, use that “alone time” to love yourself and nurture yourself! You deserve it!
  • Being single is the perfect time to amend your relationship with God, draw closer to God as well as to give all your petitions to Him.
  • I love having to make decisions without having to consider if someone else will be okay with it.
  • Less stress if you have had to deal with a cheating partner and their shenanigans in the past.  Being single means you have peace of mind.
Blog Reader 2
  • You get to spend all your money alone.
  • You have the freedom to have sex with any woman guiltlessly.
  • You don’t have curfews.
  • You have more money to spend on beer.

(I’m sure you can tell this blog reader is a guy!)

Blog Reader 3
  • You concentrate on whatever it is that makes you happy.
  • Being single means no unnecessary insecurities.
  • I’m at less risk of sexual immorality because I’m single.
  • I want to empower myself before anything else so right now I can fully concentrate on my goals without the distraction of a significant other.

So to everyone who says being single sucks, I guess you have been looking at it the wrong way.  If you are single there is hope for you to enjoy the season if you stop whining and take a step back to look at all the good things that come from flying solo…

You can also check out some dating blog posts from the following:

Dating While Parenting  by The Quarter Wife

Let’s talk about your dating journey, are you single or ready to mingle?

©MaKupsy 2017

Day 25: What Feminism Means To Me

Day 25 of #30DayAfriBlogger Challene topic is Feminism or Humanism or Womanism.  Where do you stand and why?  I have a Guest Blogger who shared her thoughts on Feminism with me, enjoy the read.

“I am compelled to remain on this feminist path by the many women that…feel comfortable in living differently” –​ ​Florence​ ​Butegwa

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Vimbai Midzi

 Women deserve to be treated equally, to be given a fair chance to succeed, and a safe environment to live their lives in. – Vimbai Midzi

It was a quiet realisation in a room full of women who had been through the abuse I had experienced. I hadn’t spoken at all that day, and my heart was heavier than I can articulate. There were hundreds of candles for the vigil, and hundreds of women sat in the hall – some shocked at the stories that were told, some crying, some humming quietly. My friend, who had been the closest person to me since school started, held my hand as we swayed back an forth. Without warning, surprising myself even, I stood up and began to tell my story too. I spoke with the smallest voice I’ve ever heard come out of me about a violence I wish I could forget. I stopped, one minute in, fighting tears. I looked up for reassurance of some kind, and when I looked back at my friend, she had a sign up that simply said, “You matter.” That tiny act of kindness which probably only I noticed, was the beginning of my journey with feminism and defining what it’s meant to me.

Feminism, broadly speaking, is the belief that all women and men are fundamentally equal, and that the differences in the way women and men are treated comes down to patriarchy.

Patriarchy is basically a system that privileges men over women in society – whether with regards to workplace opportunities, access to education, inheritance laws, political leadership positions or romantic relationships. Patriarchy is the thinking that says that women are intrinsically inferior to men, which trickles down into various sectors of society. For example, patriarchy is the reason in many developing countries, if a family cannot afford to send all their children to school, they’d rather send the boys and not the girls. Sometimes it’s subtle. It’s in the way girls are raised to aspire to marriage and are ‘trained’ to take care of a family’s needs, while boys often lack basic domestic skills because they aren’t expected to take part in domestic labour. Patriarchy is the reason why, for years I stayed silent about my sexual abuse, and was willing to go to the grave with it, for fear of being ridiculed or blamed. Patriarchy says that women’s lives, ideas, dreams, bodies don’t matter as much as men’s, and feminism exists to counter that.

You matter.

African feminism stems from African women’s actions and thoughts around equality within the context of African societies. It’s important to stress that my African identity is integral to my fight against patriarchy across the continent. It is particularly important, on a continent where women are systematically excluded from economic, political and social spaces, that my feminist work does everything in its power to tear apart the patriarchy that holds women back and under the feet of men. African women, post colonialism, had to deal with fighting racial oppression from white regimes, and further oppression from their own black male family members, colleagues and leaders.

Feminism is both collective and individual in its practices. Many of the changes in laws protecting women’s inheritance rights, fighting violence against women, ensuring equal opportunities in professional and educational spaces, have come as a result of the collective action of groups of feminists across the continent.  Being a feminist also means that feminists over the years have fought for me to have autonomy and personal choice –an integral part of feminism.  It also means that I’ve come to have a personal understanding of the different ways patriarchy affects me and the ways in which I fight it in my daily life.

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Vimbai Midzi

Personally, there are two things that come to mind when I think of what feminism means to me.

1. YOU MATTER

The jokes about self love aside, loving myself and acknowledging my intrinsic worth has been the foundation of my feminist journey.  Women deserve to be treated equally, to be given a fair chance to succeed, and a safe environment to live their lives in. Feminist policies like advocating for free sanitary pads so girls don’t have to miss school because of their periods, is telling girls that they matter. Their ability to attend class and society’s effort at leveling the playing field for their start in life, matters. My pain, my joy, my failure, my success, my ideas, my dreams – they all matter, and they should be taken seriously.  Feminism makes it necessary for this to be actively made a truth in women’s lives. Every demand for harsher punishments for rapists and kinder environments for rape survivors to tell their stories and get justice, every push for states to address femicide and emphasise women’s autonomy over our bodies, is feminism telling us that we matter.

2. PATRIARCHY MUST FALL

It’s important to note that patriarchy is enacted mostly by and for the benefit of men, but that women can perpetuate it too, and that men can suffer from it. Feminists fight against patriarchy as a system that harms both men and women, albeit harming women more.  Patriarchy sets impossible and toxic standards for men and how masculinity should be performed. This often means that masculinity is associated with violence, strength (the kind of strength that can never show signs of perceived weakness) and unchecked power. Men are therefore socialised to believe that they cannot be emotionally vulnerable.   for example. This would explain the rise in male suicides as a result of men being unable to seek help for mental health issues like depression. Patriarchy also socialises women to make decisions or say things that are harmful to other women, and that ultimately benefit men. When a woman judge in Uganda suspended a female court clerk for wearing a mini-skirt there were a lot of comments. In this instance, women’s dressing and bodies continue to be policed by a system that takes away women’s bodily autonomy.  That the decision was made by a woman, shows the pervasiveness of patriarchy and that; as a whole system, it needs to fall, for the sake of women mostly but also for the sake of men.

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Image from Pinterest

Feminism for me means learning and unlearning everyday.  It means standing up for myself in an environment that seeks to shrink me.  It means standing with women at all times, ensuring that our rights are protected, our voices are listened to and the war on our bodies is being stopped.  It means being unapologetically me and living myself past the pain of years of ingrained patriarchal practices and language. It means reclaiming the identity that men for centuries have given to women, and forming one for myself. Most importantly, feminism for me, is the quiet realisation that I matter.

You can find Vimbai on Twitter; @Just_Midzi she loves, supports and fights for or with black African women.  She also has a new project under way and you should watch this space for it.  A big thank you to Vimbai for sharing her thoughts, I for one now have a better understanding of what Feminism is.

©MaKupsy 2017

Day 24: I Came, I Saw, I Captured

“For my birthday I want a photo-shoot, a piano and a baby sister.”

Talk about a little person who know’s exactly what she wants!  That was my daughter Miss Kupsy telling me her birthday requests a few weeks ago.  I just smiled and thought this child is from another planet.  Where in the world will I get a baby sister from at such short notice?  I reminded her that she had a brother but she quickly pointed out that she wanted a sister NOT a brother.

I make sure each of her birthdays are memorable and this time around her photo-shoot wish came true.  The photographer was convinced she had gone for a photo-shoot before but I confirmed that it was definitely her first time.  We had a lot of fun.  It ended up being a mother-daughter shoot but the highlight was on her.  She got over 100 photos taken!

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Miss Kupsy 🙂

Who: Timeless Photos

What: Focusing on weddings, commercial projects, corporate events and studio photography.

Where: 66 Nelson Mandela Ave, 1st Floor, Strachans Building, Harare

Price: $15 for 15 minutes, $25 for 30 minutes and $50 for one hour (studio photographs) where you only get soft copies transferred to your memory stick.  For more information on their price guides feel free to get in touch with them on their Facebook Page.

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Miss Kupsy’s 6th Birthday

I chose the package for 15 minutes which also comes with two printed copies.  Timeless Photos provides pretty temporary picture frames and they have more durable ones they sell for $5.  The whole experience cost us $30 and I left a happy woman because I still had more birthday treats lined up for Miss Kupsy.  A friend of mine sent her money to buy her a toy piano.  Being a child is certainly the best time of your life!  No one sends me money on my birthday.  I’m still to buy the piano for her the ones I see when I shop around aren’t durable.  I’m one person who believes that you have to buy the best from the beginning.

If you are working on a budget then I highly recommend you try out Timeless Photos.  I’m definitely going back before the year ends to get some pictures taken for my fitness brand.

There are also some very good photographers in the country.  They are doing amazing things.  Their work is all over social media and you should certainly get in touch with them to get some work done.  Don’t say I didn’t give you the hook up!

Kennedy Famba : @KennedyFamba (Twitter)

Tino Nyandoro: @TinoNyandoro (Twitter)

KB Mpofu: @KBMpofu (Twitter)

Who are some of the best photographers in your country?  Have you been for a photo-shoot before?  What was your experience like?

©MaKupsy 2017

 

 

Day 23: Are You Wifey Material?

Scratch that are YOU husband material?  Society really needs to take a chill pill and stop putting all this unnecessary pressure on women.  We already have this thing called treating ourselves with tender loving care first and then add labour to deal with so y’all should just give us a break.  I laughed out loud the one time I had a conversation with an unnamed man and he told me that some of the qualities he looked for in a woman who was going to be to his future wife included:

  • going to church every Sunday
  • wearing “decent” clothes
  • someone who didn’t smoke or drink
  • someone who wasn’t on social media platforms
  • someone who didn’t question his whereabouts

Basically someone who lived in the 1960s because he certainly won’t be find her in 2017 we now know better!  Ain’t nobody got time to be babying grown men and reacting to their every whim.  (Please note that I’m not married so of course I will say crap on the subject matter because I have zero experience)  Then again we all have preferences and if that’s what he is looking for who am I to stop him from choosing what makes him happy?

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Photo Credit: @riso_jeradi (Twitter)

 

In the real world a lot has changed and most women are now looking for a man with qualities that excite her loins.  There is no way anyone is willing to bend and break with the wrong person for the rest of their lives so women now have a “husband material” list as well and qualities obviously vary.  However, in as much as times have evolved there are still some men who want to be the head speaker when it comes to what his woman should or should not wear that time they aren’t even taking her shopping.

My opinion when it comes to this subject is that life is too damn short; dress for occasions, dress comfortably and always dress to kill.  Then again what do I know, I don’t even like wearing clothes in the first place and that’s why today’s post features guest blogger Chantelle who knows all about fashion!

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Photo Credit: @riso_jeradi (Twitter)

Fashion is an art form that allows you to create and inspire through fabrics , textures , colors you name it. I love expressing myself through what I wear and revealing a little bit of my character, who I am, what I am about with what I wear. As a creative , it’s always evolving; I can be a siren today through a little red dress and a powerhouse tomorrow through a black tailored suit.

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Photo Credit: @riso_jeradi (Twitter)

Fashion Tips
Know yourself 

When you know who you are and what you stand for , trends, especially the idiotic ones will come and go and you will not be swayed by wearing a see through fishnet as a whole dress in the name of fashion. When you know who you are, you will have your own style that will be timeless and unique to you.

Know your body  

Are you top heavy?  Bottom heavy?  Do you have a small waist or a bit of a belly?  Thick thighs?  Long legs? There is something that works for everyone. Knowing the right fit for your body type will give you a fitting silhouette and Knowing the shape of your body is a sure way to wear flattering clothes that will give you a confidence boost and a nice ass! I mean , don’t we all want a nice ass??

Dress to make yourself happy

When you dress for yourself you take back your body from the body shamers and oh so entitled critical pigs that we often call Men Are Trash and I said it! You take back the power because you are no longer allowing them and their opinions to matter.  You’re telling them I will wear this flowy short little print dress because it’s very hot outside and my legs give Venus and Rihanna a run for their money.  You are standing up to the bullies who told you no and basically dressing for yourself is a big fuck you to all the self esteem bashers out there. Plus you will love what you see every time you pass a mirror. Hello mirror selfies!!

Dress codes👗👒👜
I love guidelines especially for events, is it black tie, formal, casual, high fashion you name it.  I personally follow guidelines because it’s showing respect to someone’s vision. When people take the time to plan an event, bring it to life and invite us to be a part of their vision, the least we can do is bring a bottle of wine if it is a friends dinner party or wear what the invitation says to wear.  Although my Zimbabwean beloved country people do not have a regard for dress code as I have seen many wearing jeans and sneakers at a red carpet even, I have hope. Dress code allows the vision created to line up accordingly and as how the planners wanted it to be.  If it is a grand soirée, bring out that long train and sequins , if it is formal casual , those nice fitting jeans you have been saving and a nice tailored blazer.

A big thank you to Chantelle for sharing these priceless fashion tips with us.  She’s a Zimbabwean Fashion Blogger and you should definitely check her out her work on:

Instagram: @riso_jeradi

Twitter: @risojeradi

What’s your take on your partner policing what you wear?  Do you also have a husband or wife material list?  If yes, how’s that search going for you so far?

©MaKupsy 2017

 

 

Day 19: Your Career Your Choice?

On the #30DayAfriBlogger Challenge today’s topic is “Why Did You Choose Your Career Path.  I’m a qualified Secretary and now that you know what I do let’s talk about the fun stuff!

What did YOU want to be when you were growing up?  I know with my generation everyone wanted to be a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a soldier an accountant, a businessman or a pilot.  Those seemed to be the only options one had to choose from in order to be labelled successful.  I on the other hand was completely different.  I had other plans on my mind and none of those occupations tickled my fancy.  I had different dreams and who knows some might still come true in this lifetime.  I always felt that if I became or got to do some of the things on my list I would be happier; so here is my list of things I thought I would one day do once I was all grown up.

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Image from Pinterest

  1. Study choreography.  I love to dance,(not professionally) think naughty suggestive shake your ass like a salt shaker type of moves.  I’ve always felt that if I had the opportunity to actually study dance I would have one job I would love and literally run to every day because I can never get enough of all the dance styles that keep being created every single day.  Seeing that the choreography dream isn’t coming true soon enough I have taken to never leaving the dance-floor when I go out to party.  You should see my moves, Beyonce ain’t got nothing on me!
  2. Music.  Sometime in my early 20’s I thought being a DJ wouldn’t be a bad idea considering the way I love my music.  I remember applying for some voice over positions and that never materialised.  A friend who happens to be a DJ needed some Voice Over’s done for his music mix and approached me some  years back.  I enjoyed the few seconds of fame and loved hearing the sound of my voice.  I figured it wasn’t too late to pursue that career but what else must one do after being a Voice Over Artist?  However, this is definitely a dream that can still come to life if I put my mind to it; I just have to make it a side gig because the way Zimbabwe is set up you can’t make it your end and all!
  3. Counsellor.  I would like to believe I am an attentive listener and once I put my mind to it I will encourage someone to talk about issues they feel they cannot normally share with other people.  I already have a qualification in HIV/ AIDS Care and Counselling so one day when the opportunity arises I will step up and use it.  Methinks studying couselling works to my advantage because people feel safe to share their problems with me.  In this case health and fitness problems and I’m always willing to help no matter what time of day.
  4. Globe Trotter.  I wanted to travel the world. I didn’t want to have a permanent address.  I wanted my life to be different and planned that each year I would stay in say Kenya for one year, then move to India the following year and off to Netherlands, anywhere but home was going to be absolutely perfect for me.  I wanted to learn about different cultures and traditions while I enjoyed being on a travel adventure.  Alas, that hasn’t happened yet, but on the upside I have travelled to some parts of the world and still plan on travelling beyond Africa.
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Image from Pinterest

I have a fun personality and I want to do things that unleash my character.  My current job doesn’t allow that though, it was an occupation chosen on my behalf and each day I make steps towards pursuing what I want and find a way to escape from a job that steals my joy.  I know it’s not too late to give what I love the most my full attention.  I want to leave this earth knowing I did everything that brought joy to my life.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.” — Steve Jobs

©MaKupsy 2017

Day 18: Sex Education

Sex posts are one of my favourite things to blog about but today I won’t take you on an erotica journey, sadly for you.  Today’s challenge requires us to write about sex on the first date but I’m taking this opportunity to reshare a post I wrote 2 years ago.  Let’s talk sex education.  Are you taking steps in educating your children about sex or you are hoping they will remain virgins till the world comes to an end?  Remember you are responsible for how they perceive a lot of things, sex included, don’t wait for someone else to feed them with false information.  Today’s read will take you less than 10 minutes to enjoy, grab some popcorn it’s about to get real!

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Image from Google

You know that talk a child gets just before they enter their adolescent stage?  Well, I got that talk, the only difference was that mine was a very scary version.  You see, in our culture back then most parents were not very comfortable talking about sex with their children.  That job was left to the aunt but with people moving far and wide in the end your mother was left to do all the work and boy did she do a shoddy job of it.  In order to stop me from indulging in any sex her plan was to tell me stories that would stop me from even dreaming about having sex. (they worked for a while though)  I remember the day my mother sat me down to tell me how I should not have sex before I was married.  Mind you she didn’t even use the word sex; I am still to remember what term she used but I just concluded she meant sex.  She told me that if I got too close to a boy or even let him touch any part of my body her back would break.  THE HORROR!!  I didn’t even date anyone during my teen years because I was obviously scared shitless.  Why would I want a boy anywhere near me?  So that my mother’s back breaks??  That was definitely going to happen on my watch, I love my mother too much to cause her any harm!

And so I sailed through my teen years until one day a boy I fancied started writing me letters.  I was obviously excited and kept this my little secret.  I remember going for a walk with him one afternoon and then before we said goodbye he kissed me!  OH MY FREAKING GOSH!!  I was terrified!  I ran all the way home, locked myself in the bathroom and kept looking in the mirror to check if my parents would be able to tell if I had been kissed.  I was miserable for the rest of the day and when they came back from work I acted normal but my heart was pounding so hard I felt like it was going to jump right out of my throat.  The next morning and the weeks to come I woke up worried thinking my mother’s back would surely break after that kiss!  But of course nothing happened and years later I started dating, I even had sex (protected of course) and no one’s back ever broke, like ever!

I had to learn about sex through school mates and talks the women who would occasionally come to school and talk about not allowing anyone to touch your body.  They didn’t actually say anything about safe sex or contraceptives and the whole shebang.  And so I had to read about most of the things in books and or overhear my sisters talk about condoms then I figured that’s what you were supposed to use.  To be honest that was the only form of contraceptive I knew of; that and abstaining.  I still feel that my mother could have done a better job of informing me about sex and not have me wonder and seek answers from outside sources.  She did a very good job of letting me think that sex was a very bad thing not to be talked about, had or enjoyed because something terrible would happen to you.  At the same time I don’t blame her because she grew up in a time where such talks were unheard of.

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Image from Google

I asked a few friends around me to tell me how their “birds and the bees” talk when they were younger and this is the feedback I got:

“Ahh, I don’t remember being told anything by my mum.  She just told me no boys before finishing school.”

“She gave me the finer details about sex when I was around 16.  Even told me how people have sex so that little boys wouldn’t trick me with the don’t worry it isn’t sex line.”

“She never said anything.”

“I had sex figured out from my teacher.”

“We never had the talk she just said if you get pregnant don’t ever come back home.”

“Stay away from sex because you will get pregnant!  If a boy tells you he loves you run for your life!”

I am happy and sad at the same time with this kind of feedback.  Happy because it shows that I wasn’t alone in being told ridiculous things in the name of no sex before your time.  Sad because we were not given enough information about what sex really was even though we were still too young to understand it.  At least one person out of all my friends actually got to know what sex was the rest of us have to figure it out by ourselves!

When my daughter gets to adolescent stage I will sit down with her and we will have an honest and open talk about sex and not hide anything from her so that she knows how to protect herself and be aware of the on goings of her body.  I won’t scare her or tell her any lies because I want her to know she can come to me and talk about anything at anytime.

A fellow Blogger www.conscious2conscience.wordpress.com taking part in the #30DayAfriBlogger Challenge shared these sentiments;

Media will have us telling our kids too much too soon but I’m a firm believer in things being age appropriate and in parenting instincts.  When your child asks you what sex is ask them what they already know, ask why they want to know, and then take it from there.

What was your first sex talk like?  Who told you about the ins and outs of sex?

©MaKupsy 2017

Day 13: I Will Marry When I Want

When are you getting married?

The next person who asks me when I am getting married is going to get stone cold silence from me.  I swear I get asked this question at least once a week and it annoys the heck out of me! What is wrong with people?  Can’t a woman just enjoy her life without always being asked about her marital status update?  You would think trying to explain why you are not married yet will stop people from asking but no, you’re wrong, they keep coming back to ask you the same damn thing every single time.  What about asking me how I am doing, how my dreams and aspirations are going, something, anything, just not about marriage.  You know what amuses me the most?  The fact that people think that husbands are found in supermarkets.  Like you just waltz into Pick n Pay, go through the “Husband shelf” and voila, you have yourself a husband!  Or maybe there’s a dial-a-husband application that I’m not aware of that delivers husbands to your doorstep?  It doesn’t work like that people, this sh*t is complicated.

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Shingi & Tonde

While we’re on the marriage subject I just want to say congratulations to my favourite couple above whose pictures I can’t help but use each time I write about all things lovey dovey.  They got married recently and I am absolutely happy for them and yes they are responsible for the beautiful images in today’s post.

Back to the subject at hand.  I for one have mixed feelings when it comes to marriage.  One moment I am super anti marriage telling myself I don’t need anyone I have been doing this life thing on my own for all these years why in the world would I need someone to come and turn my perfectly defined life upside down?  Then some days I’m thinking am I really going to die alone Oh My Goodness who will take care of me?  If I’m very honest with myself though I think marriage would be a great idea provided I meet the right candidate.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of men out there but how many of them are the right match for me?  Marriage is a lifetime decision and if I’m going to choose that path it is going to be with someone who will want the same thing.  I’m a mother and this whole let’s date for fun and see how it goes thing doesn’t cut it for me.  I have another human being to consider and if I choose to get married the person in question will play a very important role in my daughter’s life.  Which begs the question, how many men out there are willing to date and marry a woman who already has a child in tow?  Let me see, probably 5 in the whole wide world.  Let’s laugh together shall we?  Like I said it’s complicated!

To everyone who keeps asking me when I’m getting married please take a seat.  As and when the time is right it shall happen.  You won’t hear the end of it, you will deactivate your social media accounts, I will be telling you about “my husband” at every given opportunity and we will be inseparable it will make you sick to your stomach.  We will love each other fearlessly and spend the rest of our natural lives together because once we get married there is no turning back, we will be in it for life.  For now allow me to take my time and wait for my King to come and collect his Queen who is working on becoming a better person one day at a time.

I remember having a conversation about relationships with Shingi not so long ago.  She shared some tips on what has worked for her relationship in the past 3 years.  We were meant to write up a thread on Twitter but we never got time to do so.  Today is your lucky day because I have the tips right here with me;

1. Don’t just get into a relationship, know what you want out of a relationship.

2. Get to know him or her first. This is where long distance relationships are a plus. They allow you to know a person a bit before you meet. I’m not saying all long distance relationships work out but some have.

3. Friendship is important, that’s something that keeps things going in seasons when romantic feels face a storm.

4. Sharing the same belief is critical as it lays a foundation in your relationship.

5. Know how to SHOW him how you feel without saying it and he should also know how to SHOW you too. Emphasis on Love language!

6. Meaningful relationships are not secretive and should not be a secret. Meaningful relationships have witnesses and that is why people invite guests to witness their marriage.

7. A relationship that is long term will involve friends & family. Know this!

8. Believe in each other and learn to function as a team. Bonds grow stronger when you face challenges together.

9. Share a vision (exactly what you want, put it out there). This sets direction on how to build a life together. Cementing the foundation.

10. Talk to each other, it might sound funny but must couple can’t they talk over each other. Communication is key. 🔑🔑🔑

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Photo Credit: Shingi (@lana_chik)  Twitter

*Disclaimer* Each couple is responsible for their own relationship’s success and those tips might not work for everyone.

I have written about my thoughts on marriage in the past and some of the posts have been controversial as always.

I Will Marry For Money

I Have A Confession

Marriage Behind Closed Doors

What is that ONE question that people keep asking you that pisses you off?  Let’s talk about it in the comments section.

©MaKupsy 2017

 

Day 8: I Don’t Go To Church Every Sunday

I’m not going to sit here and type and lie about how I go to church every single Sunday that God created.  That would be a lie and I might burn in hell for it.  I’m going to be brutally honest about my relationship with church and hope to get a few things off my chest without this getting to my mother.  I was born and bred in the Anglican Church and this is my story.

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Anglican Cathedral, Harare

I remember when I was around 5 years old I loved going to church.  Maybe it was because of Sunday School.  The teacher whose name I can not recall was a lot of fun, we would sit and listen to Bible stories, sing songs, take part in plays, make friends, go out and play and generally have a great time.  Then I got a bit older and it was no more Sunday School for me I had to sit with the big girls in the main church and behave myself.  When I look back I realise that maybe it was the teenage hormones that generally didn’t like church.  You know how you turn into this little rebel who just wants to do the exact opposite of whatever your parents tell you to do.  Now Sundays were a chore because come rain or shine I had to attend church.  I would try feigning illness and my mother would simply tell me that if you go to church God will heal you and you will be as good as new.  She had a strict policy when it came to church and I failed to understand why I had to be forced to go to church every Sunday.  Each time I would try to question her I was met with “As long as you live under my roof you will do as I say.”

And so I soldiered on, a good 21 years of my life and when I finally moved out you do not want to know what happened…I went a whole ONE YEAR of no church.  Please don’t judge me.  I had done my time!  21 years of church is not a joke.  It’s not that I didn’t like going to church, I did but I just didn’t want to be forced to do go.  I believe that “You can take the donkey to the river but you can’t force it to drink.”  I would go to church yes, but half the time I was sulking inside and wishing I was home and that obviously defeated the whole purpose of even going in the first place.

I believe in God and I pray often it’s just that I don’t go to church religiously.  Does this make me a bad person?  I do know that going to church every Sunday does not mean you will automatically go to heaven.  I know a few people who go to church sometimes every day but how they treat others makes you wonder why they even go to church in the first place. Ohhhh no wait, I am not supposed to judge!!

I think that at the end of the day it is how you treat others that matters the most.  Your church attendance records should really not pose as an issue as long as you practice love, obedience, put others before yourself…all the positives life has to offer.  Will I go to church this Sunday?  Chances are very slim…But I will be kinder to the next person, I will be patient and listen to a colleague tell me what she is going through, I will offer someone part of my lunch, I will buy those oranges that I really don’t want because I know that will make a difference in the next persons life and chances are I will feel a lot better doing it compared to sitting and freezing my bum off for a 2 hour sermon.

I know you’re going to judge me but that’s okay, we are all entitled to live our best lives the way we know how.

Pray tell.  What is your church attendance like and what are your thoughts on Christianity?

©MaKupsy 2017

Day 6: Women Creative Wednesday – RuTendo DeNise

Today is Day 6 of the #30DayAfriBlogger Challenge and the theme is to write about your experience at a event or restaurant.  I wrote this piece last year on the 1st of December and everything in here still applies today.  Read and enjoy, this event changed my life!

I love all things creative and when I got an invite from Lo to attend an event at Moto Republik I was thrilled.  They have a do they have every month they titled #WCW (Women Creative Wednesday) Women Creative Wednesday is an intimate presentation & discussion platform focused on introducing and educating young women on careers in the creative industry as well as connecting them to mentors and peers within the sector.  For the month of November their feature was Rutendo Denise who is a Zimbabwean performance poet, writer, model and social media success story.  

Lo was hosting the discussion and I clearly remember her saying that in Africa, the moment you tell your family that you want to pursue a career in the Creative Industry they go wide eyed and ask questions like “You want to get paid to Tweet?”  So funny!

I normally live Tweet when I attend events but this one was too intimate I had to give it my full attention and I was mind blown by the things that Rutendo shared with us.

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Rutendo touched on so many different issues ranging from drug abuse, suicide, friendship, creativity…it was a mixed bag that left you thinking long and hard about your own life.  I took my “goals” notebook with me and I had nearly 4 pages full of information and trust me years from today I will look back at these nuggets and thank myself for attending this do because information like this rarely ever comes your way.  I will give you some of the information not all that way you guys will attend events next time you hear about them.

Hello

A hello goes a really long way.  People get really “cliquey” when they arrive at events and miss out on opportunities to meet contacts they might need in the future.  When I arrived I remember Rutendo asked us which music albums we were each currently listening to just to break the ice and it got everyone talking.  Later on during the discussion she mentioned that the reason she had asked us about music was because she was nervous and trying to find a way to get us chatting.  She emphasised how a hello can go a very long way because after everyone introduced themselves we had a Blogger, Artist, Chef, App Developer, Journalist, Fitness Consultant, MC & Poet all in one room.  Now imagine if we hadn’t said hello.

Own Your Story

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Above is a screenshot from one of the stories from one of her followers that she shared.  You have to be comfortable with what you have been through.  You will stop yourself from being great because of your past.  You know that feeling of constantly thinking you can’t do certain things because people will then walk up to you and say but we heard you once did a,b,c…  Rutendo has a “#Testimony Time series” on her Instagram where she shares stories of the things that have happened to her that most people are not comfortable talking about.  This has opened doors for other people to also share their stories as well.  We are all going through the most and she has done a great job of getting people to speak up, sometimes that’s all you need, someone who will listen.

Growth

We are all seeds that need to be nurtured. This time next year you will not be the same person.  You will have to put in the work if you want to see results.  Push yourself and strive for excellence.  We have all been given time so make sure you make the most of it doing the best of what you love.  There is no time for mediocrity.

This was an experience that was worth every minute of my time.  You know how you attend something and you keep looking at your watch wondering when you will be put out of your misery?  Not with this one.  This experience was engaging and informative. My passion lies in the creative industry and getting to have time to have one on one dialogue with someone who is in it and doing exceedingly well is something you don’t get to do everyday.  I want to look back a year from today and tick all the nuggets in my “goals” book and send Rutendo a very long email telling her how I smashed all of my goals and I am finally doing the things that fire my soul full time.

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Artist, Blogger, Chef, App Developer, Journalist, Fitness Consultant, MC, Poet, Plus Size Model a mixed bag of creatives all in one room

Without a willing heart, fighting spirit, discernment and the constant pursuit of personal excellence, you won’t achieve or amount to much. .R.

©MaKupsy 2017