My Battle With Suicidal Thoughts

In our African Culture suicide is something people don’t openly talk about.  I would like to believe there are people who have gone through what I used to go through but never told a soul or perhaps went on to carry out the act of suicide because they had no one else to turn to.  This is not an easy post for me to write because I know it will open old wounds and raise eyebrows but I feel it’s a story that needs to be shared and hopefully help someone who is probably contemplating suicide.

I have three close friends and I have told them about my battle with suicide thoughts.  It wasn’t something I just woke up one morning and decided to share with them; I had to make sure I could trust them with my dark side and have confidence that they would not ridicule me…I have always been a neat freak.  The state of my house reflects the thoughts in my head.  If I am in a happy and healthy space my house is sparkling clean.  If I am upset and overwhelmed then as you can expect my house will be an actual mess.

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Image from Pinterest

However, there was a time being a neat freak was not only about keeping my house clean.  It was my way of preparing to leave.  Why was I sticking around anyway, no one loved me, no one cared about me or believed in me so what wast the point of it all?  I thought to myself if I finally decide to end my life then at least people should come to a clean house and pack my things away without a hassle.

This happened to me for months on end. I would think about how I was going to go about it.  I walk to work and I cross a very busy street.  Some days I would contemplate throwing myself right in front of an oncoming car, other days I would think of jumping off from an office building and on the worst days I would think of getting run over by a train.  The one time I even asked my doctor friend if slitting my wrists would kill me.  I obviously asked in a round about way and when he told me it would send me straight to my death bed I had one more method to add to my list.  What made all these thoughts more real was all the suicide incidents that I would read about in the paper every other day and I would think to myself, why not; this will definitely end all my misery!  I was in a very dark space and what fueled these suicide thoughts were the obstacles that I kept facing; (heartbreak, unfulfilled dreams, low self esteem, no life purpose).  

The thing about suicidal thoughts is that you can’t go around telling people that’s what’s going on in your head incase they might think you have lost your marbles.  You will be fighting demons that you can’t see but can feel at every waking moment.  I had an injured soul and I took to many devices to try and cure it with no luck.  My friend used to complain about my “mood swings” not realising that they had more to do with my thoughts more than anyone in particular.  I could go for weeks, months on end without wanting to speak to her and some of my friends.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I withdrew from social media platforms, I even stopped going out but took to drinking alcohol instead to numb my thoughts.

From my experience suicidal thoughts come with depression which is unfortunately not acknowledged in our culture.  Tell most people that you are depressed and they will tell you to get over it.  I know you are reading this probably asking yourself why I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through.  Well, I did actually but I didn’t tell them the full details. What I got in return was “It’s a phase it will pass.”  Unfortunately this phase stuck with me from College days till just a few years ago when the suicidal thoughts finally left and set me free.

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Image from Pinterest

I would be lying if I tried to give you a formula on how to get rid of that heavy feeling you feel around your chest.  The thoughts of how you are worthless and how you are not serving any purpose on this earth.  The thoughts that suicide will make things right for you.  I don’t have that because for me I just woke up one morning and the dark cloud that had been hovering above me was gone.  I think whatever it was realised that it was putting me through unnecessary pain because with each day I was becoming more and more disinterested in life and I could hardly recognise myself.

Suicide is real.  I have seen friends take their lives over a heartbreak, people throw themselves off a building because of financial stress and wives burn themselves to death after finding out about their husband’s infidelity.  Before I experienced suicidal thoughts I mocked them and thought to myself who in their right minds would end their lives over things that could be fixed? I hadn’t walked in their shoes and it was easy for me to judge them.  I didn’t know that sometimes the thoughts in your head can be so bad you have to find a way to run away from them and suicide may be the only way out.  Now I understand that some people, me included will go through and have gone through some dark phases in their lives and unfortunately for some they will not live to tell their story but for the lucky few you get a chance at life again.

I am thankful that I never went through any attempt to commit suicide.  It all ended in my head.  Had I gone through with it I would have never had the chance to see my beautiful little girl.  I would have not seen how much of a positive and determined individual I have become and I would not have had the chance to write this and share this with you.

I am generally a bubbly individual. I have great days and not so great ones but my life experience so far has made me realise that we are all going through something.  It’s easy for us to forget to be kind to the next person but if you can be good to those around you.  You never know the difference your encouraging words or smile can alter their entire day.  Your positive energy may the the one reason they won’t go ahead and commit suicide.

In most cases of suicide a person doesn’t want to die they just want to stop the pain.

©MaKupsy 2017

#RunWithFitnessBae Was Trending On Twitter!!!

Success is a result of good judgment. Good judgment is usually a result of experience. Experience is usually a result of bad judgment. – Tony Robbins

The first thing I should be telling you is how I ended up using Twitter before we all get excited about my hashtag trending.  Sometime in 2011 Miss Kupsy’s father used to spend half his time on his phone and I would get super annoyed.  Back then Facebook was the it thing and I knew he wasn’t on it so I would wonder what in the world he was doing on his phone.  Eventually I asked him and he told me he was on Twitter.  I decided to open an account and get myself started on it.  I can safely say I found myself in a dark never ending tunnel, I was completely lost.  I had no idea how the application worked and so decided to leave it for a while.

Facebook was getting a tad bit boring and I deleted the account.  I decided it was time I tried out this alien looking Twitter and guess what, I LOVED IT.  I had to teach myself about the ins and outs, the who to follow the where to place the hash key and a whole bunch of other things.  It was a fun experience because well, this was something new and I got to Tweet whatever I wanted without relatives then calling to ask me about what I just wrote.  Best feeling ever! However, after breaking up with Miss Kupsy’s father I went into a serious case of depression.  No one knew about it though, all they saw were tweets talking about how much I was drinking that day and the random outbursts of cursing.  I was in a bad space and Twitter was my outlet.  I took some time out; it must have been 2 months away from Twitter and reevaluated my life.  When I got back I was all about fitness.

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I took to writing down my new resolution on my blog and on social media pages so that I would be accountable to my words.  It was not easy at first but over time I started getting better and better and exercising and eating right.  I know I annoyed a lot of people with my runs and exercise routines but I had finally found something that was giving me happy hormones and a reason to fly out of bed. I remember around the time that’s when the term “Bae” came along and seeing that I was very single at the time I decided to name myself “Fitness Bae“and since then everyone I meet refers to me as Fitness Bae.

Back to the trending topic…I have a WhatsApp group with fitness enthusiasts.  When I came up with the hashtag years back the idea was to have more people with the same interests join me on my journey.  Going with Fitness Bae as a hashtag didn’t sound catchy enough so I thought wait, my main form of exercise is running…so let me make it #RunWithFitnessBae !! And there you have it, the hashtag that has brought people from all walks of life and different parts of the world to exercise together and stay focused on their fitness journey.

 

 

The very day I was trending on Top 3 Onai gave me a call to come through to their studio to talk about my hashtag.  We got to sit down and have a chat and was I nervous or what?  It was my very first time doing something of the sort live and there was no chance to rehearse anything.  The great thing about the experience was that they were all very hyped up and made the experience less intimidating.  Once we started off I couldn’t stop, the amount of passion I have for Fitness is indescribable.  Words were just flowing out and I was thinking why was I even scared to begin with??  It was great fun and apparently I will be doing it again soon for a whole hour!  You can listen in to the podcast; I start featuring from around 15:10 over here.

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It was a great weekend filled with Zumba, exercise, friends, podcasts, fun and a bottle of white wine!  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my fitness addiction would take the Twitter Timeline by storm.  There is nothing as heart warming as trending and being known for a good cause.   Thank you to Onai for having me on his show.  Exercise is my life, I can’t function without it and I am happy to have a team that is equally enthusiastic about it.

A big shout out to team #RunWithFitnessBae we run this!!

 

MaKupsy© 2017

 

 

 

 

Be A Warrior NOT A Worrier!

Having a child has made me realise how different we are.  Children have no worries whatsoever, they just tell you what it is they want or need and you get to providing it for them.  They do not sit and worry if you are actually going to get whatever it is for them, just one request and they are on their merry way.  This is the attitude I think we need to adopt as adults.

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Photo Credit: @noire.diamante (Instagram)

I can tell you the number of things I have worried about so many things.  It usually never even turned out the way I had expected and I had wasted all my time and energy on an imaginary scenario! This is the attitude I adopted a few months ago, stop stressing myself out to death and just leave it to God.  Talk to him and tell him all my worries, hurts, happy moments and go on and live my life.  You see worry takes away your peace, why in the world would you want to live a life filled with negativity.  These are some of the things I tell myself when I start worrying:

  • This too shall come to pass.
  • If it’s meant to be it will work out effortlessly.
  • I have been through worse things this is just a small hump on this road we call life.
  • If my daughter doesn’t even worry about how I am going to make her request materialise who am I to worry about how God will answer my prayers?

Life is too short to be worrying about things we have no control over.

Have a beautiful day ahead.

©MaKupsy 2016

I Thought Today Was Wednesday!

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photo taken from https://www.flipkey.com

A lot of emotional issues that I can not even begin to divulge have been getting the best of me lately.  You know I am an open book but this stuff is deep and sadly it is consuming me.  I hope I will get to sit down and talk to someone about it before I lose my marbles.  It’s so bad I woke up thinking today was Wednesday, imagine; I lost a whole day and I have no idea how that even happened.

I think one of the reasons could be that I am spending too much time indoors and it’s time I did something spontaneous. I was thinking I would do some sight seeing on my own come Saturday.  Sometimes you need that right?  I will make sure my phone is fully charged up so that I can take a lot of photos and just enjoy my surroundings.  I hope the heat won’t be too harsh but I have that part figured out.  I will make sure I have ice cold water and juice to stay hydrated.  I will apply lots of sunscreen before I leave the house; wear my big ass sun hat.  Shoot!  I forgot that my pair of favourite sunglasses broke a few weeks ago.  On a totally unrelated issue, am I the only one who keeps breaking their sunglasses?  Do they make shatterproof sun glasses or something (i need to go and buy a pair from there if they do) because I have bought enough sunglasses to last me a lifetime?!

I miss adventure and once I think of the most random place to go I will go and have the best time ever!  Hopefully when I get back I will be feeling as good as new again.

I just need to clear my head and get a lot of things into perspective…

 

MaKupsy