Day 8: I Don’t Go To Church Every Sunday

I’m not going to sit here and type and lie about how I go to church every single Sunday that God created.  That would be a lie and I might burn in hell for it.  I’m going to be brutally honest about my relationship with church and hope to get a few things off my chest without this getting to my mother.  I was born and bred in the Anglican Church and this is my story.

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Anglican Cathedral, Harare

I remember when I was around 5 years old I loved going to church.  Maybe it was because of Sunday School.  The teacher whose name I can not recall was a lot of fun, we would sit and listen to Bible stories, sing songs, take part in plays, make friends, go out and play and generally have a great time.  Then I got a bit older and it was no more Sunday School for me I had to sit with the big girls in the main church and behave myself.  When I look back I realise that maybe it was the teenage hormones that generally didn’t like church.  You know how you turn into this little rebel who just wants to do the exact opposite of whatever your parents tell you to do.  Now Sundays were a chore because come rain or shine I had to attend church.  I would try feigning illness and my mother would simply tell me that if you go to church God will heal you and you will be as good as new.  She had a strict policy when it came to church and I failed to understand why I had to be forced to go to church every Sunday.  Each time I would try to question her I was met with “As long as you live under my roof you will do as I say.”

And so I soldiered on, a good 21 years of my life and when I finally moved out you do not want to know what happened…I went a whole ONE YEAR of no church.  Please don’t judge me.  I had done my time!  21 years of church is not a joke.  It’s not that I didn’t like going to church, I did but I just didn’t want to be forced to do go.  I believe that “You can take the donkey to the river but you can’t force it to drink.”  I would go to church yes, but half the time I was sulking inside and wishing I was home and that obviously defeated the whole purpose of even going in the first place.

I believe in God and I pray often it’s just that I don’t go to church religiously.  Does this make me a bad person?  I do know that going to church every Sunday does not mean you will automatically go to heaven.  I know a few people who go to church sometimes every day but how they treat others makes you wonder why they even go to church in the first place. Ohhhh no wait, I am not supposed to judge!!

I think that at the end of the day it is how you treat others that matters the most.  Your church attendance records should really not pose as an issue as long as you practice love, obedience, put others before yourself…all the positives life has to offer.  Will I go to church this Sunday?  Chances are very slim…But I will be kinder to the next person, I will be patient and listen to a colleague tell me what she is going through, I will offer someone part of my lunch, I will buy those oranges that I really don’t want because I know that will make a difference in the next persons life and chances are I will feel a lot better doing it compared to sitting and freezing my bum off for a 2 hour sermon.

I know you’re going to judge me but that’s okay, we are all entitled to live our best lives the way we know how.

Pray tell.  What is your church attendance like and what are your thoughts on Christianity?

©MaKupsy 2017

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My Sleep Paralysis Experience

Sleep paralysis happened to me once before when I was still in College.  It did not give me too much of a fright.  I brushed it off as something that happens to everyone in this lifetime.  However, the year 2013 gave me such chills I have never forgotten the experience to date.  It happened sometime in winter, those two incidents have stuck in my memory bank all this time and nothing will probably shake it off, just writing about it is actually starting to make my heart beat very fast.  This is my sleep paralysis experience…

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Image from Pinterest

It had been a long day and all I wanted to do that evening was take my evening bath and get some rest.  I remember fixing a hot water bottle and making sure my apartment was securely locked and all lights were switched off.  (I am extremely sensitive to light so I sleep in complete darkness.)  Within minutes I had dozed off to la la land.  I rarely dream, or maybe I just forget the dreams because they are probably not that interesting but on this particular night I felt a presence in my apartment.  I wasn’t sure if I was asleep or awake but I lay as still as a log to make sure whatever that had entered would leave without noticing me.  All my doors were locked and closed but from my bed I could see through the walls and I saw a dark shadow move from the entrance to my apartment all the way to my bedroom.  I could not make out the face of the shadow but it had an outline of a woman.  The shadow came right next to my bedside and started moving down towards me.  Petrified does not even begin to explain what I was feeling at that moment, I was unable to move or scream for help.  The shadow kept coming closer and closer, it felt like it was trying to suck the life out of me, I saw the hollow outline of a wide open mouth and my eyes nearly popped out of my sockets!  I started screaming for help but in my attempts I could tell that I was screaming but no sound was coming out of my mouth.  I was paralysed and could not do anything; I honestly thought I was going to die right there and then.  I started to say the Lord’s Prayer over and over again and just before the shadow had completely enveloped me I woke up!  I was sweating, panting and crying all at the same time, I didn’t understand if I had been awake or asleep but whatever the case was I had no intentions of staying at home after such an experience, I checked the time, it was 1am and I had to go somewhere, anywhere but home…

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Image from Pinterest

You would think after such an experience sleep paralysis would never occur anytime soon right? Wrong!  Just a few days after that incident I had another bad “dream”.  I was being chased by a woman through the woods.  I was running as fast as my feet could carry me but this woman kept coming for me.  I ended up in a graveyard.  There were men at work digging up a grave but I was puzzled why they were doing so because it was late at night.  I called out to them to help me but it seemed they could not hear me.  I tried to hide from the woman chasing me. There were several tombstones in sight and thought she would not see me if I was behind them. It was pointless because they kept crumbling down each time I went behind any one of them.  I started feeling tired and I was running slower now and before I knew what was happening one of the graves I stepped on started giving in and I was being swallowed into the ground!  I kept screaming for help to no avail and as I was being swallowed in I found myself falling right onto my bed and feeling an uninvited presence pulling me from underneath my bed.  This time around I could not move, scream or say a prayer, I just felt tears streaming down my eyes.  I remember hearing a knock on my door but it felt so faint.  Within minutes it kept getting louder and I somehow managed to wake up and rush to the door.  The moment I heard a female voice from the other side of the door I screamed the place down and woke up.  Almost everyone in the apartment building was alarmed and the woman on the other side kept asking if I was okay and if I should open the door.  I simply said I was okay and she explained that she had not been knocking on my door but on my neighbour’s door.  I didn’t open my door and went back to my bedroom.  I looked at the time.  1am!

That week was probably the worst week of my life.  I had a friend who worked by a 24 hour food outlet and I had to go and sit and chat with him or sometimes just sit in the shop and play on my phone.  I needed a distraction, something, anything that would stop me from experiencing another sleep paralysis incident. I remember bumping into my friend Larry on one of the random days.  We were both grabbing pizza at the food outlet and I am sure he was puzzled as to why I was getting food at around 2am.  I was sleep deprived for an entire week, going to bed was my biggest nightmare.  I didn’t know what to do to make it go away but it eventually did go away after popping some sleeping tablets and then having trouble sleeping without taking them, the vicious cycle!

I did get back to sleeping soundly and I have not experienced another sleep paralysis incident.  However, I did learn that sleeping alone might be a great thing but can be a great disadvantage when things like this happen.  It got me thinking that I could actually die in my sleep and no one would know until days later.  It also got me thinking that when you are scared out of your mind it would be nice to actually have someone to cuddle up to and probably have them wake you up when they hear that you are experiencing some form of disturbed sleep and cut your horrific experience short!

I am curious to hear from you, have you experienced sleep paralysis at any point in your life?  If yes, how did you deal with it?  Please share tips, I am sure they will help a soul or two.

©MaKupsy 2017

 

 

Diary Of A Woman Who Learnt To Love Herself More

I created a WhatsApp group that I named #RunWithFitnessBae In this group we talk about different issues that are health and fitness related.  The other day we spoke about body shaming and one of the participants in the group shared her story which I feel a lot of people will relate to.  Have a read and share with anyone you think might benefit from this inspirational story.

Not so many years ago I weighed a whopping 120kgs and I wore size 44-46.  To be honest I was comfortable with my weight. My closest relatives actually commented at how “healthy” and “well kept” I was and I actually thought being that fat was a sign to the world I was fine and dandy.  I would eat any and everything and I would sit on the couch and eat a whole chocolate slab, packet of crisps and gulp down and entire bottle of red wine while I watched TV or read a book.  Exercise was something I would watch on TV and something I never got actively involved in.  I knew the benefits of exercise but remember me being fat was a sign of “wealth” so I was ok right? WRONG!

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Real women have nothing to do with size. Real women have RESPECT for one another. -Abbyclaire Herman

I got a rude awakening from my unhealthy eating ways when I found out that the man of my dreams had gone on to marry someone else on the exact same day he was meant to pay lobola for me.  I found out he had been dating my “skinny” friend and it had been happening for a while and I had never suspected it, the betrayal and the heartache were beyond comprehension!!  This whole time I was being a couch potato the man of my dreams was making other plans that didn’t involve me, life changing plans for that matter!  I decided to seek advice from the people who knew us and the people who were close to us and I was shocked and disgusted by the responses I got. Let me tell you the five top responses that made me hate my body and feel disgusted by who I was and who I had become;

  1. Aigodii nekufuta kwawakaita?” (What was he supposed to do with the way you are so fat?)
  2. “Honey, the way you are looking like a 40 year old and yet you are only 25years old is unbecoming”
  3. “I am so sorry but what did you expect look at your friend she is skinny, beautiful and fit and she is light skinned.”
  4. “I am so sorry about what you are going through but I think you are to blame I mean you are fatter than his own mother, he went to what was attractive.”
  5. “You need to lose weight. If you were skinny like his now wife I am sure he wouldn’t have strayed but her body compared to yours there was no chance you would keep him, hauna kana shape.  (You are shapeless)
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at 120kgs

Those were the harshest and most cruel things anyone had ever told me and what made it worse was the realization that in their heart of hearts all these people had thought this but never said anything about it.  I probably would have taken offence if they had but real friends would have said something about my sky rocketing weight.  Those words coupled with heartbreak drove to a state of self-disgust and I hated my body and food.  I blamed those two things for letting me not see that my man was losing interest in me and making plans to be with someone else.

I wished I could exchange bodies it seemed all the women I saw were slimmer and prettier.  Suicidal thoughtsyes I got them because to me there was nothing worse that the world seeing you as fat and ugly.  Couple that with everyone knowing that the man thought was for keeps had left you for a “slimmer” and “prettier” woman.  Thankfully, I couldn’t get myself to follow through my suicidal thoughts because I had two little angels who looked up to me and I couldn’t imagine leaving them.  Instead I decided to diet and lose weight but when I started my weight loss journey my reason was to win my man back, I wanted to be pretty for him and I thought he would love me again if I was “slim and pretty like her” and we would get back together and get married and our fairy tale life would continue as we had both imagined it.

And so my weight-loss journey began.  I gave myself a couple of weight loss rules that I was certain would work.

  • Eat as little I you can
  • Exercise for 8 hours a day
  • I have to match “her” weight or maybe lose a few more kilograms then I will be “pretty”
  • I will have to do all this within 90 days

I would eat practically nothing the whole day.  On an average day I would have 2 slices of brown bread and a lot of water the WHOLE DAY.  I would go to the gym from 5am to 9am and again from 5pm to 9pm and I would push myself harder and further each day till I go to a point where all I would eat in a day would be chewing gum when I felt hungry and water.

The weight dropped.  Within 3 months I had lost close to 70 kilograms but unfortunately I had also developed ulcers, acid re-flux and insomnia to name but a few.  My skin changed colour and even my hair grew thin and just when I thought people would compliment me they started saying I was sick and maybe I had HIV.  I clearly was not doing something right because even after all these efforts my man has still not come back to me.  I decided to lose more weight pushed myself to lose more. I think I had gotten to point of being anorexic because eating any food was no longer a part of my life.

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at 50kgs

An angle of mercy came to my rescue.  She had seen my transformation and had heard me break down in my room so many times so she sat me down and offered a few pointers.  I remember her advice like she told it to me just yesterday.

No matter how much weight I lost I would never feel beautiful unless I was beautiful to myself first.  Beauty comes from within and with me and then radiates on the outside for everyone to see.  Beauty did not have to be physical alone but both inside and out.

This got me thinking…

Yes I loved my ex boyfriend but for the right love to find me I had to love me first before anyone else could love me.  I had to be my first love and just because we did not work out it does not mean there isn’t a prince waiting for me out there.

 Weight loss and health work hand in hand. I had to take care of my body for it to take care of me. I had to lose weight in a healthy manner so as to avoid skin and stomach issues that I had developed as well as to curb the insomnia (the insomnia had got so bad I couldn’t concentrate at work and I got fired).

Being healthy and being mentally stable work hand in hand, if I am mentally stable I am able to deal with issues that come my way better.

My world and my actions should not be swayed or centered around what people will say about me or about my circumstances but it should be centered about what I feel is right and what I know I should do.

I had to find a way of dealing with my pains, ups and down besides turning to food or to the gym and I chose to keep a journal. That way I could separate issues and still eat healthy and love myself.

After the talk it took me a while to start eating again and to go to the gym.  I now work exercise for a maximum of 2 hours a day and I feed myself with positive affirmations each day.  I got over my ex boyfriend and I moved on. I became my first love and I taught myself to be able to separate issues and deal with them in a healthy and progressive manner. Today I weigh 89kgs (I am definitely not going back to tripledigits on the scale) I am exercising, I have a new job and I LOVE MY BODY SOOOO MUCH. I want to lose weight for me because I want to be healthy and I am doing it in a healthy way this time around.

My new rules of losing weight now are;

  1. Eat a maximum of 5 small meals a day
  2. Watch my portions
  3. Incorporate more vegetables in my meals and less carbs
  4. WATER, WATER and MORE WATER
  5. Run, skip and go to the gym
  6. Prayer and meditation for my soul
  7. Join group of other people that are in the same weightless journey as me for motivation(#RunWithFitnessBae)
  8. When I am not okay I write it down in my journal
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at 89kgs

 

You gain weight gradually and you will certainly lose it gradually.  Weight loss is a journey and not an event.  It takes hard work, determination and perseverance!

 

©MaKupsy 2016

 

 

Be A Warrior NOT A Worrier!

Having a child has made me realise how different we are.  Children have no worries whatsoever, they just tell you what it is they want or need and you get to providing it for them.  They do not sit and worry if you are actually going to get whatever it is for them, just one request and they are on their merry way.  This is the attitude I think we need to adopt as adults.

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Photo Credit: @noire.diamante (Instagram)

I can tell you the number of things I have worried about so many things.  It usually never even turned out the way I had expected and I had wasted all my time and energy on an imaginary scenario! This is the attitude I adopted a few months ago, stop stressing myself out to death and just leave it to God.  Talk to him and tell him all my worries, hurts, happy moments and go on and live my life.  You see worry takes away your peace, why in the world would you want to live a life filled with negativity.  These are some of the things I tell myself when I start worrying:

  • This too shall come to pass.
  • If it’s meant to be it will work out effortlessly.
  • I have been through worse things this is just a small hump on this road we call life.
  • If my daughter doesn’t even worry about how I am going to make her request materialise who am I to worry about how God will answer my prayers?

Life is too short to be worrying about things we have no control over.

Have a beautiful day ahead.

©MaKupsy 2016

Hello New Mum!

The following new mum tips are from me and some of my friends.  I hope they will come in handy.  Please feel free to add any other tips in the comments section.

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  1. Keep your hands clean.  You should always make sure you wash your hands when breastfeeding and handling the baby’s bottles.
  2. Not every baby will like breastfeeding.  It’s not a failure on your part; remember a baby is a unique little person with likes and dislikes
  3. There will be A LOT of sleepless nights.  Sleep when the baby sleeps.  Don’t even try to clean the house or do laundry or get yourself busy with something else.  The moment the baby sleeps it’s your cue to also get some rest.
  4. DO NOT pick up the baby the moment the baby cries.  Give her time to soothe herself otherwise she will get used to having you scoop her up at the very first sign of tears and that will be a sure way to stop you from doing anything else.
  5. Breastfeed your baby as often as you can.  Breastfeeding is like medicine for the baby.  It will stop the baby from catching colds and flues and diseases that are prone to attack new born babies.
  6. You will have to master the art of taking super quick baths in case the baby wakes up.
  7. Change the baby’s diapers frequently.  You don’t want the baby to have an uncomfortable rash.
  8. Make Google your friend.  In the world of technology where information is just at the tip of your finger try and search for any baby concerns you have before rushing to the doctor.  You might be surprised, most answers you get actually work.
  9. Make time for your spouse if you are raising the child together.  It can’t be about the baby all the time.  (Not that it’s a bad thing) but your partner also wants to feel loved.  You can have someone watch the baby for a day while you catch up on each other.
  10. You alone know your baby. If you feel something is not right then it probably is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
  11. DO NOT try and do too much too soon.  Yes, I know you will miss your pre pregnancy body and want to get right back to exercising but give yourself time to heal.  After all you were pregnant for a whole nine months and it will take time for your body to start getting back to normal.  Relax and enjoy your baby for now.
  12. A baby will be happy one day and a downright monster on another day. That doesn’t make you a lousy mum. You will bathe the baby, feed the baby, sing for the baby and nothing will work.  It’s just baby having a bad day.
  13. Make sure you eat healthy and balanced meals and keep your mind from worry.  Babies seem to sense it when you are unhappy and end up crying for days because mummy is not happy.
  14. When people come to see the newborn baby, please give them tasks to help you with around the house. Let them know beforehand that a little help will be required. The last thing you want is to be standing around catering to a clan of twenty family members while trying to heal a torn vagina (sorry for the graphics) and handle a newborn. They can feel free to cook and clean up after themselves.
  15. Speak positive words of affirmation to your baby and say all the wonderful things you would want them to grow up to be.  Also pray for them, nothing is as powerful as a mother’s prayer.
  16. Speak out if you need help and you are failing to cope on your own.  After all,

It takes a whole village to raise a child.

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This blog post is dedicated to my friend who is expecting a baby any day now.  I am totally excited for him and his wife.  It is going to be both a fun and eye opening adventure for the two of you.

MaKupsy

An Open Letter To Kupakwashe’s Father

She didn’t know what it felt like to be in pieces until she tried to fix a broken man. 

I have no idea how many times I have tried to talk to you about how difficult it is to continuously make sacrifices for someone other than yourself.  With all the talk all you have given me in the past were empty promises.   It had to take me going all the way to court and you getting arrested and serving jail time for defaulting Child Maintenance payments to get you to start “taking care” of your daughter.  A daughter that you haven’t seen in over a year and yet you claim you love her unconditionally? She stays less than an hour away from you by the way, in case you have forgotten that too.  I was tired, so so tired of your selfish behaviour.  In the end even though I think the matter was not resolved in a fair manner I am glad this part of my life is over and done with because I have no intentions of ever speaking to you or seeing you for the rest of my natural life.

It’s not going to be easy.  Heck, it hasn’t been easy.  I look at my pay cheque at the end of each month and try and figure out how I am going to make things work and afford to still pay Miss Kupsy’s school fees, buy her clothes, make sure she has everything a little girl her age needs and still take care of me by the way.  I thank God for my parents and siblings, they have been a big help, they are truly heaven sent.  Without them I probably would have lost my mind with worry by now.  Remember that amount you said you want to be paying in court for Miss Kupsy’s upkeep each month?  Biggest joke I have ever heard, but guess what, it will make a difference, better that than nothing at all because I can’t be taking care of EVERYTHING and yet she has BOTH parents.

For some odd reason, Miss Kupsy has stopped asking after you as often as she used to.  She does on the rare moments and when she does she asks questions that I don’t even have answers to.  There was a time I was worried that she might grow up and think that you didn’t love her.  I don’t anymore, I know for a fact that you don’t.  I won’t tell her how much of a sorry excuse of a man you are.  She will figure that out all by herself at whatever point in her life she decides to look for you.  She deserves to see it herself.

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What’s the point of this letter?  To let you know that I forgive you.  I forgive you for wasting my time.  I forgive you for being a dead beat father.  I forgive you for showing your true colours when it was too late.  I forgive you Kudakwashe, I really do.

Sometimes we chain ourselves to people who only hold us back in life and you were clearly one of those people.  I missed out on so many opportunities while hoping and wishing that one day you would change, I now know you will not and I have completely accepted it.  You are who you are.

I now have peace of mind even though it took years to finally get here I AM FREE.  I am happy.  I am not bitter.  I have allowed love to flow through me again.  I am doing a fantastic job of being a loving mother to our daughter.

Stay safe wherever you are, I will include you in a prayer or two because even though you might not be the best decision I ever made; I wish you long life so that you can see just how much of a wonderful girl Kupakwashe is going to turn out to be with or without you.

 

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MaKupsy

 

 

Late Blog Post..

I am really upset right now.  My laptop decided it was over this life thing at the wrong time.  I am not about to start buying another laptop anytime soon so it will have to sort itself out.  That means I am going to leave it alone for a few weeks and hopefully after that break it will be functioning again.(Miracles have been known to happen)

So how was your weekend?  I hope it was as epic as mine.  I had a lovely weekend spent mostly with my friends.  I have one weekend were I have time all to myself and this one proved to be fruitful; except yesterday when I had to do three weeks’ worth of laundry.

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the wound I got from doing a truck load of laundry, felt like my skin was ripping apart!!

I WAS NOT AMUSED!!  I normally get someone to do my laundry, ironing and cleaning but the lady who used to do that really let me down and I still haven’t found a replacement for her.  You can read all about her mouth dropping incident here.

Last week also kept me busy with the running challenge and I am pleased to announce that I lost one kg and that is something I can’t stop smiling about because now I am back to my personal acceptable weight range.

What do you have lined up for the upcoming week?  I have a few things on my to-do list:

  1. Read more chapters of Power of A Praying Woman each day.
  2. Get on with this school thing I decided to take up.
  3. Get some rest and when I resume running later in the week make sure I don’t run anything more than 5”50 per km.
  4. Leave the pimple breakout on my right cheek alone and remember that my Dermatologist said I should not pop pimples but just leave them alone!
  5. Go bra hunting, all this weight loss has shrunk my breasts and now I am a whole cup size down. I have always wanted huge breasts but I guess that won’t be happening in this lifetime.
  6. Take a photo or more of my favourite places in Harare and share them on my blog.
  7. Keep a positive mindset and remember that all those things I hope, pray and work towards will eventually come into existence.

I have to return my neighbours laptop now.  He is such a darling for letting me borrow it for a few minutes.

Enjoy the rest of what promises to be a lovely week ahead.

 

MaKupsy

Day 30 – I Made It!!

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MaKupsy

My challenge is complete!!  I managed to complete 30 days of blogging every single day.  When I initially set out to do this I was full of confidence thinking hey, this is easy, I love to write and this is going to be a walk in the park.  Hah!  Some crazy talk right there.  The next time anyone asks me to define the word challenge I will simply tell them that a challenge is telling yourself that you can blog every single day.  It is not impossible, trust me, but it’s the putting ideas and words together that will get the best of you but it can be done.  There are few things I learnt from this challenge:

  • I am a go getter!  Whatever I tell myself I am going to do I get done and I give it my 110%
  • Blogging ideas are everywhere.  I got mine from work, reading through Tweets, during my morning run, when I was watching television, conversations with friends, a magazine article, a book I was reading, my random sex thoughts; you just have to be open minded about it and trust me your creative juices will start flowing.
  • I also learnt that I should completely stop drinking alcohol, it is not my friend.
  • To be thankful for those close to you, real friends are hard to come by and if you have people who are there for you do not take them for granted.
  • I actually keep my word; remember the give away challenge I did on day 7?  I can not even begin to explain the way I was tempted to spend that money but I had promised I would fulfill my end of the challenge.
  • I didn’t get any comments on day 5 post, could it be safe to say my readers were trying to send a hidden message?
  • Lastly, this experience taught me that you can do anything you want to do as long as you put in the work.  Great things don’t happen over night, after all, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

A big thank you to everyone who read all my random posts throughout the month of September.  My blog wouldn’t mean much if you actually didn’t pass through to read a blog, two or more.  I will be taking a short break from blogging for a few days; yes I know that is jaw dropping news but I am sure you will do just fine without me for a while.  I am undergoing surgery today and I will blog about it sometime in the near future when I am back to good health.  In the mean time please keep me in your prayers and thoughts so that I can get through this in one piece.

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Start doing the things you love.  If you don’t like something, change it.  Open your minds,arms and hearts to new things.  Life is short.  Live your dream and wear your passion.”

MaKupsy

Day 26 – Happy Birthday Vuyo!!

Exactly 19 years ago my nephew Vuyo was born.  I look at him now and I can’t believe he is the same little boy I used to piggy back, change diapers, force feed porridge because he used to hate it, taught how to spell, walked to the bus stop to get him to school and a whole assortment of other fun memories we have shared over the years.

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Vuyo

Time flies and I give thanks to God for keeping him safe throughout the years.  He is one lovely human being and I can’t wait for him to finish University, marry that Italian girl I think he will date and leave Africa for good.  Ha ha ha.  I know right, this aunt has such a fertile imagination!  I wish him many lovely years to come and may all the desires of his heart come true.

Loving aunt…

MaKupsy