3 Signs That Show Your Relationship Is Doomed

Being in a relationship can be one enriching experience if done right.  However, not everyone is cut out for it and things can get messy.  signs your relationship is complicated MaKupsy.jpg

Image from Pinterest

They Don’t Apologise

There’s no way you can always be right, this is a fact.  However, when you do something wrong or if your partner highlights something that you did that affects them in a negative way it’s only right to apologise.  Not the “I’m sorry” and end it at that apology.  A real genuinely heart felt apology will do the trick.  Here’s a beautiful example;

“I’m sorry I didn’t show up on time my love, I got carried away and completely forgot about our appointment.  Please forgive me for keeping you waiting.  How can I make it up to you.”

Yes, there are people who apologise like that in this lifetime.  You will meet them some day.

They Don’t Know How To Communicate

Do I have enough stories to last a lifetime for this one!  I used to be that person.  I would sulk, plunge myself into a mood swings for an entire day or simply say nothing was wrong when my partner asked what was wrong.  DO NOT BE THIS PERSON.  If something is wrong speak up!  I think part of the problem for some women is that we’ve been socialised to say everything is okay even when it isn’t so we just grin and bear it.  Find ways that will help you communicate your thoughts and feelings in a healthy and progressive way.  No relationship is perfect, problems will come but how you deal with them is what will make or break you.

They Don’t Allow You To Spend Time With Your Friends

No man is an island.  If people could remember this the relationship world would  be a better place.  Your partner needs time away from you to spend it with other people that light up their life.  Just think of the number of stories you will talk about or the places you can try out when you eventually have time together.  Wouldn’t that be special?

Where relationships are concerned I have just one piece of unsolicited advise; Be with people who value your time and your presence, headaches caused by selfish people are not to be tolerated in 2019 going forward.  Love thy self!

Have you been through any of these situations when you were dating?  How did you handle it?

©MaKupsy 2019

 

 

Advertisements

Uncomfortable Things That Happen When You Share Accommodation

If you’re planning to move into shared accommodation then you need to read this post and have a heads up on all the bullsh*t you will encounter.  I tried out this madness for a solid year in 2018 and this is what my experience of moving in with a complete stranger was like.

find accommodation in Harare, Zimbabawe.jpg

Image from Pinterest

Please note that the shared accommodation looked like nothing in the above image, but a girl can dare to dream right?

What NOT To Look Forward To

  1. Hygiene levels will not be on the same level.  I’m a clean freak for the most part and I had to share kitchen space with someone who could keep dishes in the sink for at least days without doing anything about them.  When I first moved in I had no problem combining my housemates dishes with mine but after a few days I decided I have much more important things to do with my life and cleaning after a grown person was not one of them.
  2. Your food stuff will get used up and the next person won’t have the decency to tell you.  I was beyond annoyed the one time I got home to find half my onion was used.  There’s nothing wrong with that, people run out of onion all the time.  What annoyed me was having it used and no one saying anything about it, l was annoyed and no I didn’t ask them, I’m only petty in my head.  My friend suggested I take my food out of the kitchen but I was entitled to kitchen space and I planned on using it; I simply stopped placing my perishables for all and sundry.
  3. Noise.  My housemate had a bunch of friends that would come over on weekends.  That was great until they started coming over during the week as well and I couldn’t sleep till they decided they were drunk enough for bed.  Even after communicating that I had a job to get to in the morning and I needed a goodnight’s sleep it was as good as talking to myself, nothing changed.  I started resenting going home.  My advice, invest in earplugs.
  4. Fears come alive in HD.  I once had an encounter years ago where someone tried to break into my apartment.  That incident left me feeling highly sensitive to sound.  The house I shared was in a part of town where the yard was huge and trees surrounded the house.  The days my housemate wasn’t around were the worst.  I imagined all the things that could happen to me, how far away our neighbours were if I had to call for help and I wouldn’t sleep a single wink.  Fear coupled with an overactive imagination is a recipe for disaster!
  5. Goodbye sex.  My room was right next to my housemate who happened to be my landlord and old enough to be my oldest sister.  There was no way I was about to start getting laid knowing fully well she was in the next room.  Gangster as I am, it simply wouldn’t happen.  I missed sex!

Wait, There’s Good News…

sharing accommodation in Zimbabwe.jpg

Image from Pinteres

  1. A tranquil environment.  I moved to an area where there was peace and quiet.  I would wake up to the sound of birds chirping.  That was the most beautiful experience I’d had in the longest time.  I’ve stayed in a part of town where the first thing you hear is the sound of cars hooting at each other so this was a very welcome change.
  2. No random visitors.  Most people didn’t visit me and I loved it!  It helped me cut out some people who didn’t really need to be in my life to begin with.  Not having to deal with unwanted visitors was a huge positive for me.
  3. Prayer life increased.  More time to myself meant more time to face my thoughts and get to know who I really was.  I had more time to read my Bible, fast and pray and for the first time in the longest time I considered attending church, and I actually did and I loved it!
  4. You save money.  I moved out because staying in town was becoming expensive and I had a goal to save up for something.  I was paying half the rent and it also covered my water and electricity bill and that was one less thing to worry about on my part.
  5. Space.  I loved how there was so much space I could do all my fitness workouts without having to leave the premises.  What more could I ask for?

Just so you know, I won’t be sharing accommodation with anyone EVER AGAIN.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells the entire time afraid to offend my housemate in one way or the other. Yes, there are benefits to sharing accommodation but for me, it was one experience not worth giving another try.

Have you shared accommodation before?  What was your experience like?  Also, how do you go about finding accommodation in your area?  Here in Zimbabwe most people, myself included just head over to Facebook Groups to try and get something we can afford.

©MaKupsy 2019

To Give Or Not To Give Your Girlfriend A Monthly Allowance?

Bae Allowance Money a guy gives his girlfriend at the end of each month for her random needs.

Girlfriend  Giving Directions To Her Boyfriend

“Come to the front gate of my apartment where you dropped me off.  Look for flat 9A, you’ll find a lift on your right.  Hit 9 with your ELBOW.  Get out of the lift, you’ll find my flat on the left.  Hit the doorbell with your ELBOW and I’ll get the door for you.”

Boyfriend says: That seems easy but why am I hitting buttons with my elbows?

Girlfriend: “OMG! Are you coming empty handed?”

Boyfriend: (speechless)

DSC_1949.jpg

I thought this was hilarious because some men are famous for visiting their girlfriends with just dick and hairy balls, like can we throw those in a pan and fry them for supper  Women are not saying buy them something everyday but why not think outside the box for a change and surprise a lady with something she likes??

One of my contacts sent me that joke on WhatsApp last night and it gave me an idea to blog about this morning.  Let’s talk about Bae Allowance shall we?

Screenshot_2015-12-11-09-44-19-1-1.jpg

Photo Credit Theo & Essy

Let me first give you my thoughts on the subject matter.  This might end up being a lengthy blog but I promise you will enjoy it.  Let me tell you a bit about my very first boyfriend.  That guy treated me like a little princess.  He never missed a birthday, anniversary, special event, good or bad moment.  We were through it all through thick and thin.  The whole 5 years that we dated I never asked for a single dime of his money.  He just did things because he wanted to and not because I had to beg and plead for him to do so.  Maybe because back then I was younger and had less problems but I believe even if we had stayed together he was still going to be that guy who takes care of his woman without her throwing tantrums about it.  After dating other people after him I can safely say that people are different and just because he went above and beyond for me doesn’t mean the next guy will do the same.

For that reason I have since learnt to accept that one should always live within their means and not expect the next person to cater to their every single need.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying your man shouldn’t spoil you but you don’t have to convince him to do so, he has to do so on his own accord.  Guys already know that a woman needs to be pampered every now and again and so if he isn’t doing it for you it’s either he doesn’t want to, he’s just not that into you or he’s simply doing it for another woman who clearly isn’t you.  I for one would not want a fixed monthly allowance, that for me feels a tad bit tacky because if the tables were turned trust me I would not be paying anyone an allowance for being a part of my life.  I have a daughter on my  payroll as it is, I don’t think I can make anymore additions to that!

I asked a few friends; both male and female about their thoughts on Bae Allowance and these were their thoughts:

The ladies said:

  • I think if it’s a serious relationship it’s not meant to be an obligation; both are meant to help each other out.  In a case were both work rather do  things for each other than give each other money otherwise it will seem like it’s all about money.
  • l feel most guys should give their girlfriends Bae Allowance.  That way  you avoid having to constantly say “Baby my hair is a mess l need money, baby my nails what not.”  Just give her the monthly allowance so that you don’t stress each other out every other week.  IT’S NOT A MUST THOUGH.

The guys said:

  • There should not be a fixed mandatory Bae Allowance in a relationship.  It is of paramount importance that an individual be self sufficient that way I can chip in here and there.  It’s important to take care of your partner (what you don’t do for her, she will find someone else who can) but it should not be made out into a big deal when I can’t do it all the time.
  • If you’re my girlfriend don’t ask me for anything that costs $5 or less because what were you doing for money before we started dating? Now you suddenly want my money.  I should feel like spending on you willingly.  I’m not a bank and understand that when I say I don’t have money most of the time I genuinely don’t have because money is hard to come by.  I will spend on her but bae allowance I don’t do… It’s like I’m paying you to be my girlfriend!

There you have it.  Both sexes have voiced out their opinions.

As an addition I just had to say this.  Fine, I know I am not for a woman actually getting to be on her boyfriends payroll but some of these guys are cheap skates.  If you actually don’t even ask him to buy you anything he will actually continue to do so and not see anything wrong with that.  Let me ask the guys a question.  How are you going to date your girlfriend for a whole year and not once surprise her with a set of sexy lingerie?  So you are an expert at taking off her clothes but not buying her anything to add sexiness to her lingerie collection??  Also, why do some guys just want to take women out for drinks when the same amount can be used for a proper lunch, dinner or better still coffee date?  Okay fine, that is completely off topic now.

This is the part I say goodbye.

My friends from the Podcast world got excited about this topic and touched on the subject.  You can listen in from here.

Bae Allowance MaKupsy.jpg

A few years later I can safely inform you that giving your girlfriend has great benefits that include wonderful things like getting married to her.  Congratulations to my friends Theo & Essy who were kind enough to share their picture with me for this post.  They’re now happily married and living an amazing life together.

©MaKupsy 2019

Just Like Seasons, People Change

Are you married?  Have you been married before?  Do you have friends who have gone to get married and you were left behind single and living your best life? 

If you can answer to any of these questions then today’s creative crush might just stir you up. See the thing about marriage is admit it or not it does change people.  We would like to lie to ourselves and say we will always be the same person once we get hitched but truth is just like seasons, people change.  I’m speaking from the single friends perspective…  Over the years I’ve lost a couple of friends to this marriage we speak of.  However, it’s not a bad thing at all, at first it really used to affect me but I realised that my friends have a new chapter in their lives.  Their priorities have taken a completely different turn and our get high or die trying days are over because love it or hate it, his or her partner is top priority now.  These were the very thoughts that crossed my mind the first time I read Nobuhle’s blog post; Trashed.

Blog Indaba Wednesday.jpg

The name Nobuhle means mother of beauty or with beauty.  As you can already tell from her picture she is a true representative of her name.  She’s a woman of many talents; not only does she blog but she’s a songstress too.  Her mother has always encouraged her to embrace her talent and follow her musical passion.  Unfortunately she doesn’t play any instruments but she has a strange love for piano, maybe someday she will learn. The one time she thought she was ready to learn she was told to cut her nails, no more gorgeous manicures? I think not!

I noticed that at some point Nobuhle (she calls herself uBu) wasn’t blogging as much.  She says her blog statistics weren’t growing and it just pulled me her backwards.  She was then nominated for the Creative Writing category at Zimbabwe Blog Awards and that right there was just the push she needed.  Unfortunately everything on her blog was stale at the time but she decided if someone thought that old content was enough to get nominated it meant she was doing something right.  She has been consistent ever since.

P.S. uBu is trilungual and I find that so very attractive!  Imagine being able to speak three languages fluently.  All the more reason she’s my creative crush today. You can listen in to her latest track here.

You can connect with Ubu on;

Website: www.iamb0627.wordpress.com

Twitter: @nangu_uBu

Instagram: @nangu_ubu

Blog Indaba The Meeting Place Community is hosting a creative crush this and every Wednesday.  You will never run out of a good read from here on.

It's National Wine Day!

I’m curious to know, how many languages can you speak?

©MaKupsy 2018

 

 

Remove Your WhatsApp Blueticks And Live Happily Ever After

My last seen and blueticks on WhatsApp have been disabled for nearly two years now.  This by far has been the best decision I’ve made since downloading this application onto my phone.  I have peace.  I can be a very petty person and I don’t like that side of me to show itself.  Back then when my blueticks were still enabled if someone ignored  me and I could see that they read my message best believe I would make a big fuss about it.  I’d be frantically texting wanting to know why you were last seen online at 12:45 and yet you didn’t respond to the message I sent at 11:00?  It would really rattle me and I’d be upset for hours on end and it would ruin my entire day.  You would think I didn’t have anything better to do with my time but yes things like that happen when you’re a very sensitive or paranoid person.

WhatsApp Blueticks MaKupsy

Minus being petty I have other reasons I chose to remove both my last seen and blueticks from my phone;

  • I don’t like my WhatsApp activity to be policed.  I have a few contacts who will actually question why I haven’t responded to a message which I don’t find urgent or important at the time.  I wonder if people realise that just because you’re online doesn’t mean you have time to respond to every single person.  Sometimes small talk is the last thing I want to do when I’m busy with something else that’s top priority to me.  My policy if you feel I’m taking too long to respond to your message is to pick up the phone and call me saves you a whole lot of waiting for your message to be replied if you ask me.
  • I like viewing my contacts WhatsApp status updates every once in a while.  Having my blueticks disabled means they won’t know that I viewed it and I won’t feel obliged to comment on it.  Also, I don’t want to come out as a stalker viewing status updates the moment my contact updates.
  • Seeing that I bought my phone with my own money that I worked hard for I’m very much entitled to doing whatever I deem necessary. If you want to tell me how to operate my phone feel free to buy me one then we can talk.

One of my friends had this to say concerning the subject at hand.

“I do not care if you see one tick, two ticks or a dog full of ticks I will reply when I can. I set a pattern when starting out with anyone. That way she won’t have too many expectations.  I have people whom I prioritise, so if you think I’m ignoring you, damn straight I am, my phone is ALWAYS with me.”

My friends who happen to be such a cute couple have a Vlog which you should totally check out.  This particular video inspired today’s post.  Please subscribe so that you don’t miss a video.  They’re currently the only couple in Zimbabwe doing a couple Vlog and I have a feeling they’re going to be a big deal; just watch this space.

Unfortunately not everyone is pro disabling blue ticks.

  • Some people don’t like being ignored and the feature only pushes all the wrong buttons for them.
  • Apparently removing your blue ticks and last seen on WhatsApp shows that you’re up to no good.  I don’t even know how the two correlate.  It doesn’t take a phone application to be an individual with questionable character.  Either you’re straight and narrow or you’re not with or without blue ticks.

I love technology.  It has made communication easier, faster, smoother.  I believe we’re all entitled to communicating as and when it’s convenient for us.  Personal space is important either on or offline.  If someone isn’t responding to your messages perhaps you need to see what’s not being said and move on with your day.  There are more amazing things that you can fill up your time with.

While we’re on the phone conversation you might also want to check out these two posts:

My Experience With Snooping Through His Phone

Missed Call Alert

What are your thoughts on the subject?  Are you pro or anti blue ticks?

©MaKupsy 2018

9 Things I’ll Never Do Again

Have you ever sat down and thought to yourself, what in the world was I thinking when I did that?  I’ve had moments like those in the past and I’ve sometimes laughed or felt sorry for myself.  I really do get up to the strangest of things when my head isn’t screwed on properly.  Thanks to my not so bright adventures I’ve told myself that I’ll never do a bunch of things again for as long as I live and here’s a list of some of them.

6fac50a43a6e37ed001b154257f8c508.jpg

Image from Pinterest

  1. I will not get pregnant and go through labour again, like ever.  Okay, that’s a lie.  It’s highly likely that I will get pregnant again the only difference is I’m not going to have a child out of wedlock.  I want to experience pregnancy a second time around and enjoy every moment of it with a loving and caring partner.  The plus for me is I’ll be going through a Cesarean Delivery so no labour pains for me.
  2. I will not get false lashes done anytime soon.  The process of getting them done is intrusive, you can’t wash your face for the next 48 hours after getting them to make sure the glue holds the lashes and when you wake up in the morning your eyes are highly irritated.  The only time I’m going to get lashes done is on a very special occasion otherwise pretty as they are they really aren’t worth the trouble.
  3. I’ll never get a weave-on done.  Those things damaged my hairline.  I’m very comfortable wearing my natural hair as is; with braids or get African threading done up.  I’m all for protective hairstlyes and I wear them loudly and proudly.
  4. I will never drink more than a 6 pack of ciders in one sitting.  Ever since I went on a sobriety challenge I consume alcohol differently.  Just two ciders or a glass of wine or a tumbler of vodka and I’m done for the day.  Strange things are happening to me considering the way I used to love my alcohol.  It’s a welcome change tho, I’m not complaining.
  5. I will never go through life without a content calendar.  I used to be one of those bloggers who would “blog on the go” but ever since I tried using a content calendar many moons ago my blogging life has changed for the better.  Would you believe me if I told you that I penned this post three weeks ago?  That’s just how organised my life has become.  The best part is it doesn’t apply to just blogging, there are different apps you can use to make your social media presence a smooth sail.  I’ll share them one of these days.
  6. I will not spend time with people who’s company doesn’t stimulate me.  Better to be alone than in the presence of boring people.  I’ve also since made a decision not to attend events that don’t grow me in any way.  I used to love attending any and everything but it gets tiring, you spend so much money then you ask yourself why did I even put myself through that?  The plan is to continue to grow not waste your time or resources.
  7. I’ll never eat sushi.  I doubt that I’m missing out at all.  I’ve seen tonnes of pictures on Instagram of people sharing their sushi experiences and I’m like no thanks, I’ll go through life without it and I’ll be perfectly fine.  What made me not doubt my decision was after someone told me that the fish will be raw.  Euwwww.  Why would I intentionally do that to myself?
  8. I’ll never ask strangers for directions.  Don’t you just love technology?  Now you don’t have any reason to go around getting lost because your phone will take you to the exact location.  It’s that accurate.
  9. Travel to South Africa by bus in winter.  That time traveling by bus is a pain in the as* now couple that with traveling there in winter when the weather is very unfriendly.  The last time I tried that was probably 4 years ago and I got back to Zimbabwe feeling very irritable after spending nearly 12 hours by the border,  swollen feet and simply pissed off.  Don’t ever do that to yourself, it’s not worth the stress.

What are some of the things you’ve said to yourself, never will I ever?

©MaKupsy 2018

Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Break Up

Getting into a relationship is easy, staying in one is a whole different ball game.  Times have changed, options aplenty and the moment things go wrong most couples are quick to give up and walk away from each other without ever taking time to work on each other instead.  There are so many different platforms you can hook up with someone and start over and completely forget about your former relationship; but is that really how things should be like?  From my personal experiences in the past you can walk away yes but you will walk into a new relationship and still face the same problems with a different person.  Perhaps before you choose to end a relationship you need to ask yourself what qualities attracted you to the once was love of your life and find good reasons to stay.

MaKupsy Stay In A Happy Relationship.jpg

Image from Pinterest

Friendship

Do you enjoy each other’s company?  Are you the sort of couple that can go out all weekend party hard and have the best time ever.  Or you’re the couple that can spend the day at home cooking, catching up, watching a good movie or whatever you both enjoy and still have a good time?  Whatever the case might be the way I see it if you two are friends before anything else chances of weathering any storm that comes your way are very high.  Love will fade eventually but friendship will likely last forever; at least I hope it will.

Sex

Everyone knows that the first few weeks of sex as a new couple is non-stop.  Once you finally decide you’re both ready it’s like the only thing you two get up to.  Over time (if your relationships gets to last long enough) you’ll be more comfortable and no longer be having sex for the orgasms and focus more on exploration and pleasuring each other.  Something called sexual compatibility is a thing and if you find that you two are the lucky few to have that hold onto it.  It’s rare to find.

Starting Over Is A Chore

So…what’s your favourite colour?  Oh my word!  If I ever have to go through that sort of conversation again I promise I’ll stab myself to death with a spoon.  That stuff is tiring.  I don’t want anyone else to know what my favourite colour, food, music is or what I like to do with my weekends.  The whole process of getting to know a completely different person is a lot of work I’m not willing to put in.  I’m good thank you very much.  I’ll stick with my partner and find new ways to annoy him instead.

Growth

If you’re a completely different person since you met your current partner then why would you even think of leaving?  Have they taught you a new skill, helped you look at life from a different lens, challenged you to be better, upgraded you not only financially but physically and spiritually?  If you answered yes to most of these then why are you entertaining such negative thoughts?  There’s no such thing as breaking up, you’re going to work through this shit together.

Security

I know you thought of money when you read this but for me money is a bonus.  From my viewpoint emotional security is one of the reasons I would stay in a relationship.  Nothing beats knowing that you’re with someone who has your best interests at heart, someone you trust and someone who is emotionally available.  It’s not easy going through life on your own but if you’re the lucky few to have a partner with these qualities be thankful and also take notes from them so that you too can reciprocate when the need arises.

Choose to love everyday.

I wrote this post with my late colleague Itai in mind.  She died in her sleep two months ago; she had a heart condition.  We sat right next to each other in the office and everyday we had new stories and fashion tips to share.  She was such a lovely person and when she passed on I struggled for weeks.  I couldn’t believe I was never going to see her again.  She was a big sister to me.  She always used to say that life was short and that we should celebrate each day like it’s our last because tomorrow isn’t promised.  I still picture her in her red dress standing right next to me telling me she was struggling with her condition and she would be lucky if she would make it till the end of the year. I could see her health was deteriorating but I told her she shouldn’t talk like that because words have power.  Now she’s gone but I know she’s now in a happy place and she’s finally at peace.  I miss her everyday and thinking about her has my heart breaking all over again.  

Don’t take the people in your life for granted.  Today might be the last day you see them.  Find reasons to love them like it’s the last time…

©MaKupsy 2018

Online Dating With Aunty Tari

Online dating (or Internet dating) is a system that enables people to find and introduce themselves to new personal connections over the internet usually with the goal of developing personal, romantic, or sexual relationships. – Wikipedia

MaKupsy Aunty Tari Diaries

Tari

 

What made you decide to venture into match making people?

I’ve always been a matchmaker at heart.  In the past I’ve matched people as friends and they’re still going strong in friendship many years later.  I thought if I could do such a great job with friendship perhaps I should give romantic relationships a go.  It also happened that someone on Twitter lamented that they were done looking for love because they weren’t meeting any new people.  In that very moment I  decided to change my handle and start offering the service; just like that.

How long has your online dating service been running for?

I’ve been doing this for about two months now.  I get match making requests daily  at any time of day.  I usually respond after work or during the weekend.

What are your thoughts on online dating?

It’s the next best thing since chocolate!  With our hectic schedules who honestly has time to physically meet new people?

What are some of the requests you have found “strange” in the match making service?

The strangest request has to be the one guy who asked me if I could hook him up with a professional prostitute.  He offered to pay me handsomely.

Have you received feedback from the couples you have paired up?

Yes, I’ve received both negative and positive feedback. Unfortunately; some people have rejected their matches because they’re either not good looking enough or they don’t keep a stimulating conversation going.  There are also those who totally ghost and you can never tell what the review is. On the bright side some people are excited about the service and sing praises of a job well done when they pair up with someone.

How do you guarantee security for your users?

At this stage I don’t offer security yet.  I try to verify the identities of all my clients.  Once matched the onus is upon the matched to do their own homework about their match.  I hope to improve on security as my service gets sophisticated.  However, privacy is 100% guaranteed.

Do you have any additional services coming up?

Yes.  I plan to start an advice column soon.  On your blog 🙂

What else can we expect from Aunty Tari?  I’m expecting wedding bells from the match making but what do you hope for your clients?

I’m hoping to raise awareness of online dating.  It’s not the scary monster everybody thinks it is.  A lot of people seem to think online dating is just for hook ups.  You would be surprised at the number of beautiful stories with happy endings that started online.  I also want my clients to realise that both love and friendship can be found online.

Any advice for those wanting to venture into online dating?

You only live once!  Try it out and above all else make sure you verify everything your match tells you.  You wouldn’t want unpleasant surprises.

Thank you Tari for taking time out of your busy schedule to share your journey with me.  If you would like to connect with her you can find her on Twitter: @tariwemadimples  Feel free to go through her hash tag #AuntyTariDatingLounge who knows, you might be lucky to find your match.

I would like to call on all the techy readers I have.  If you’re good at creating apps this might be a great opportunity to partner up with Tari and create our very own Zimbabwe Dating App.  This about it…

Have you tried online dating?  What are some of the great and not so great things you’ve heard about it?  Let’s talk.

 

©MaKupsy 2018

4 Relationship Deal Breakers

Show me a woman who doesn’t want a man with a plan and I will show you a liar! – MaKupsy 2017

The following deal breakers apply to both male and female so pay attention this might be the reason why one or some of your relationships have not worked out.

MaKupsy Relationship Deal Breakers.jpg

Image from Google

Poor Hygiene

I don’t know about you but personally if the person who is supposedly pursuing me is not friends with taking a bath that might be an actual reason to go our separate ways.  I think that we should all love ourselves enough to take care of our bodies and that includes basic things like taking a bath, brushing your teeth, cutting your nails, flushing after yourself when you leave the toilet and wearing clean ironed clothes!!  It might sound basic on paper but some people couldn’t care less and go around looking like they just walked out of a maize field and expect to get a partner looking like that?

Inability To Spend

Now before you raise your eyebrows I am not talking about a man spending money on a woman.  I am talking about an individual spending money on THEMSELVES.  This right here is an actual cause of concern because if you are not occasionally spoiling yourself with the finer things what are the chances of you doing the same for a partner if you end up with one?  However, this can work either way because one may not necessarily spend on themselves but will spend on their partner…BUT it’s very rare that this happens; it’s complicated really.

Drive & Ambition

Show me a woman(man) who doesn’t want a man with a plan and I will show you a liar!  As you get older relationships become less of “Let’s see how this goes” and more of “What’s the plan between us”.  By plan I don’t mean a couple getting marriage which is a great idea by the way.  In this case I mean a plan to work together and encourage each other to reach personal and couple goals.  A plan for what your day, weekend, month or year together will look like.  Nothing brings a yawn fest as much as having a partner who has no plan whatsoever for the team.  Remember a relationship is a team effort and if you are the only one driving the team you will get tired and that right there will be the beginning of many problems to come.  I once had a conversation with a friend who told me that in order for people to have less stress in relationships they should try and pair up with people who “mirror them”.  Loosely translated to be with someone who has dreams, aspirations and the same energy as you do that way you will be team players and not have a situation of a pilot and a passenger in the relationship.

Dishonesty

This has to be the biggest deal breaker for me.  If you are in a relationship feelings change for the worst or the best and that is perfectly okay.  It is always best to communicate how you feel about the next person because even though some of the honesty might hurt it saves a couple time.  For example, if you fall out of love with someone don’t keep quiet about it and hope things will change.  Sometimes all you need to do is talk about it with your partner and find ways to bring back the fire.  If that fails then do the adult thing and break up amicably.  Most people choose to keep quiet about how they feel and end up cheating and hurting more people than necessary in the process.  If you are about this relationship business then you have to start getting your communication skills in tip top shape.

We were all brought up differently and when you get into a relationship this is the first thing you need to remind yourself.  What might be perfectly normal to you might be foreign to the next person.  You have to be patient and get to learn what you are both about but it doesn’t mean you have to stay on if you are unhappy.  Your happiness comes first and after you have tried everything to try and blend in it’s fine to walk away and take care of yourself.

These are the four main deal breakers for me.  What are yours?

I know I didn’t add cheating but it’s so cliche everyone says they won’t tolerate cheating but most people end up putting up with it when they find out but that’s a story for a completely different day.

Today, let’s talk about what will stop you from dating that one person you have your eye on?

©MaKupsy 2018

Imagine A World With Dololo Lobola

Around the 1940s lobola payments didn’t cost much.  From my understanding if the young man who wanted your daughter’s hand in marriage came from a poor family he could pay his lobola in the form of a hoe. (not to be confused with whore) The young men from the affluent families could afford to part with a cow or two or more who knows, I wasn’t there.  Please note that back then there were no monetary transactions and everything was processed in the form of goods and services.  Lobola made economic sense in (our imaginings at least of) a precolonial setting.

Paying lobola meant that you would have someone who would work the land, do the dishes, bear children and look after the family.  People were breeding left, right and centre…babies everywhere.  I’m talking about a whole trailer of 13 children.  However, it wasn’t an issue because a bigger family meant you had more hands and more hands make work lighter and getting more work done meant more resources were available.  They worked the land and it bore beautiful fruits that paid dividends.  Those who could afford it; sent their children to school and if they excelled jobs were readily available.  In no time, one would be a teacher earning a decent amount of money and take care of family back home.  By age 18 one could start a family.  Hey, life was good.

No Lobola MaKupsy.jpg

Image from Pinterest

Fast forward to the year 2018.  Things have taken a completely different turn.

  • Both men and women have goals to achieve.  In the 1940s most people’s focus was to start a family but now people want to up their educational qualifications, invest their money, buy big cars and houses and starting a family is not top priority for some.  They’re getting married later and later in life and having less children.  Most people I know have one child only and a few have two.
  • Most people are highly educated and qualified but aren’t going to work.  There are no jobs available.  The lucky few who are employed are either underpaid, not getting paid at all or have a side hustle that has been stopped by the powers that be.
  • The few of the few who are well paid have their fortunes exposed to a high risk of abuse.
  • Most men are now questioning why they need to pay lobola when everything can be accessed without a commitment.  You need your laundry done and house cleaned, hire a maid, you want sex, dial a booty call, you want kids, enter an arrangement with someone or adopt, you want companionship, go hang out with the boys.  It’s a scenario of why buy the whole cow when the milk is free?

A lot of people have expectations that their children will take care of them later on in life or when they get older.  I always ask them if these children asked to be brought into this world?  This is a burden to the children.  As far as I’m concerned if you choose to have children it’s your responsibility to take care of them and yourself as well.  You can’t go through life expecting a payback. What happens if those children never strike any luck financially?  Worst case scenario…what if they die?  What becomes of you?

This is why some parents charge obscene amounts as lobola as compensation.  Now you have some families asking for a bride price of give or take 30 000 United States Dollars.  From where now? In Zimbabwe where unemployment is estimated at 95% by some sources coupled with a failing economy?  It defies logic. The most common reason I hear for charging amounts in this range is that the parents say they educated their child at a very expensive University.  Like guys, that was your responsibility!   So remember, your children are trying to start a life together and if you wipe away all their savings from where do you expect them to start?  Question…

I have a few questions which need answers for those in the know:

  1. How come no one is paying the parents of the man who comes to marry seeing that people view lobola as a “token of appreciation”?  Is he not appreciated?
  2. If lobola isn’t paid what’s the worst that could happen?

In my humble opinion lobola is probably the reason why we are far from women’s emancipation in Zimbabwe because women are treated as “commodities” and have a price tag on them.  It becomes difficult to see each other as equals in marriage when the man feels he had to “purchase his wife.”  In the 1940s lobola made sense.  In 2018 the foundations upon which it was built have shifted.  I don’t see the real benefits of this tradition in present day.

What are your thoughts on the subject?

©MaKupsy 2018