Day 13: I Will Marry When I Want

When are you getting married?

The next person who asks me when I am getting married is going to get stone cold silence from me.  I swear I get asked this question at least once a week and it annoys the heck out of me! What is wrong with people?  Can’t a woman just enjoy her life without always being asked about her marital status update?  You would think trying to explain why you are not married yet will stop people from asking but no, you’re wrong, they keep coming back to ask you the same damn thing every single time.  What about asking me how I am doing, how my dreams and aspirations are going, something, anything, just not about marriage.  You know what amuses me the most?  The fact that people think that husbands are found in supermarkets.  Like you just waltz into Pick n Pay, go through the “Husband shelf” and voila, you have yourself a husband!  Or maybe there’s a dial-a-husband application that I’m not aware of that delivers husbands to your doorstep?  It doesn’t work like that people, this sh*t is complicated.

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Shingi & Tonde

While we’re on the marriage subject I just want to say congratulations to my favourite couple above whose pictures I can’t help but use each time I write about all things lovey dovey.  They got married recently and I am absolutely happy for them and yes they are responsible for the beautiful images in today’s post.

Back to the subject at hand.  I for one have mixed feelings when it comes to marriage.  One moment I am super anti marriage telling myself I don’t need anyone I have been doing this life thing on my own for all these years why in the world would I need someone to come and turn my perfectly defined life upside down?  Then some days I’m thinking am I really going to die alone Oh My Goodness who will take care of me?  If I’m very honest with myself though I think marriage would be a great idea provided I meet the right candidate.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of men out there but how many of them are the right match for me?  Marriage is a lifetime decision and if I’m going to choose that path it is going to be with someone who will want the same thing.  I’m a mother and this whole let’s date for fun and see how it goes thing doesn’t cut it for me.  I have another human being to consider and if I choose to get married the person in question will play a very important role in my daughter’s life.  Which begs the question, how many men out there are willing to date and marry a woman who already has a child in tow?  Let me see, probably 5 in the whole wide world.  Let’s laugh together shall we?  Like I said it’s complicated!

To everyone who keeps asking me when I’m getting married please take a seat.  As and when the time is right it shall happen.  You won’t hear the end of it, you will deactivate your social media accounts, I will be telling you about “my husband” at every given opportunity and we will be inseparable it will make you sick to your stomach.  We will love each other fearlessly and spend the rest of our natural lives together because once we get married there is no turning back, we will be in it for life.  For now allow me to take my time and wait for my King to come and collect his Queen who is working on becoming a better person one day at a time.

I remember having a conversation about relationships with Shingi not so long ago.  She shared some tips on what has worked for her relationship in the past 3 years.  We were meant to write up a thread on Twitter but we never got time to do so.  Today is your lucky day because I have the tips right here with me;

1. Don’t just get into a relationship, know what you want out of a relationship.

2. Get to know him or her first. This is where long distance relationships are a plus. They allow you to know a person a bit before you meet. I’m not saying all long distance relationships work out but some have.

3. Friendship is important, that’s something that keeps things going in seasons when romantic feels face a storm.

4. Sharing the same belief is critical as it lays a foundation in your relationship.

5. Know how to SHOW him how you feel without saying it and he should also know how to SHOW you too. Emphasis on Love language!

6. Meaningful relationships are not secretive and should not be a secret. Meaningful relationships have witnesses and that is why people invite guests to witness their marriage.

7. A relationship that is long term will involve friends & family. Know this!

8. Believe in each other and learn to function as a team. Bonds grow stronger when you face challenges together.

9. Share a vision (exactly what you want, put it out there). This sets direction on how to build a life together. Cementing the foundation.

10. Talk to each other, it might sound funny but must couple can’t they talk over each other. Communication is key. 🔑🔑🔑

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Photo Credit: Shingi (@lana_chik)  Twitter

*Disclaimer* Each couple is responsible for their own relationship’s success and those tips might not work for everyone.

I have written about my thoughts on marriage in the past and some of the posts have been controversial as always.

I Will Marry For Money

I Have A Confession

Marriage Behind Closed Doors

What is that ONE question that people keep asking you that pisses you off?  Let’s talk about it in the comments section.

©MaKupsy 2017

 

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Of Lobola, Weddings & Such

The moment a friend tells me that they are getting married I get very happy for them because for most women marriage doesn’t come easy.  If you meet a guy who loves you enough to wife you up then happy days.  In our culture you first pay lobola and then have a court wedding or white wedding or not, whatever tickles your fancy really but to be official you need to get the lobola thing going.  This is the part that baffles me the most…why do people make such a big secret of when their boyfriend will actually go and pay lobola for them?  I have three or four “friends” who only told me on the actual day their lobola was being paid.  It left me questioning our friendship.  If we are supposed to be that close and that happy for each other why would you tell me on the very day of your big day???  Someone help me understand why you would keep such good news away from your friend?  I have concluded that it’s their way of letting you know that you have been left behind in the world of singledom so they just want to give you a quick surprise for you before they carry on into their married life.

As the story continues…

Then we get excited about their wedding day if they go the white wedding route.  I help out when I can with the planning, the ideas for the venue, decoration; most of the time they complain about the in laws who are making things impossible, we go through dresses, we think of a playlist the whole shebang.  My phone is always on the charger because she needs help with this or that and we are constantly in touch.  It actually feels like my wedding by the time I go to sleep because of the levels of fatigue but I won’t be complaining because that’s what friends do right.  You help each other through good and bad times even though at this point I start feeling like an underpaid wedding planner. Hahahaha

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Anyways, the big day finally arrives and guess what has happened to me in the past for some of my “friends” weddings.

Friend 1. I was sent an invite to the wedding, oh happy days, even though I am not such a huge fan of weddings.

Friend 2.I got to be a bridesmaid for the first time and I had a fabulous time because the wedding reception was short and sweet and we wore some pretty delicious colours on the day.  Who would have thought purple and gold would rock?!

Friend 3. I never heard from her again.  A few days before her wedding she went cold turkey on me.  I knew the venue of her wedding which was out of town by the way but she never sent me a wedding invite so there was no way I was going to just rock up at her wedding uninvited.  I am not about that gate crashing a wedding life.  Some friend huh?

Enough about that let me get to the juicy bit.  So now some of my friends are married.  Remember we used to talk all the time?  I have noted that a few weeks after they get married they go missing in action.  I ask myself if they are happy, sad, overwhelmed, enjoying their honeymoon phase or just don’t want to be associated with a single someone.  Please do not get me wrong, I am not the jealous type but the I wonder what’s up type.  The moment they are married they just snub me and I never hear from them again.  Is it a thing that married women do or it’s a thing that I get dished out from my “friends” only?  Does marriage really take such a toll on an individual that you forget about your friends or at least those who considered you their friend?  Do you honestly expect me to respond to your message at the speed of lighting the moment you finally decide to communicate with me?

Like what the actual fuck is up with that??!!

I wonder…

©MaKupsy 2016

I Have A Confession…

I never wanted to get married.

You know how girls get all excited from a very young age and plan their entire wedding from the wedding colour theme to the bridesmaids dresses and mostly the dress she will wear on her wedding day?  I wasn’t one of those girls.  All I ever wanted to be when I was all grown up was travel the world and be in some choreography related form of work. I tried looking for one of my old dream collage’s but I couldn’t locate it because it is probably somewhere at my parent’s house plus I am not a fan of clutter so I definitely wouldn’t find it at my place. The point of it was to show you just how back then it was not something I consumed myself with; this marriage thing.

So what changed you ask?  Because if you have read my blogs you know there is a post I mentioned that there was a time when all I ever wanted was to get married.  Well, circumstances changed.  I got pregnant.

Initially I actually remember telling the father of my child that I was not ready for marriage and he shared the same sentiments and we were actually fine with the arrangement.  Arrangements like that unfortunately don’t sit very well with our society especially if you are actually living together.  Months into our pregnancy family intervened and told us we were disrespecting our families and we had to get married.  I easily bought into the idea because I obviously didn’t want to bring any further “shame” to my family but the father of my child stood his ground and declared he would never marry in this lifetime.  (Guess who got married in just under six months after separating).

It was a really complicated phase of my life.  I remember days I was at work; visibly pregnant and my colleagues asking how my “husband” was.  I had to play along because the thought of telling them that we were just staying together would probably shock the lights out of them and have them lecture me on how he was “using me” if he didn’t pay lobola for me.  I remember feeling scared  at the thought of us ever breaking up because I did not know how I would tell people that I was a single mother.  Now that was my biggest fear!  In my head being a single mother was the most unforgivable offence in society’s eyes because their judging eyes would tell you that you had “failed to keep a man.”  That was just fucked up!

However, this all taught me a few things.

  1. If you genuinely do not want to do something DO NOT DO IT!  I ended up wanting to get married only because that’s what family had suggested even though I didn’t even want it.
  2. Marriage should be for parties who BOTH want the same thing because the moment you are on different paths it will be a disaster.
  3. Marriage has been idolized so much in our society.  It’s so bad that once a woman reaches a certain age without getting married people start talking and giving her side eyes as if they even know what she wants out of life.  This idolization has lead to many women, some that I know only getting married so that people can get off their backs.
  4. Not everyone is going to get married, have a white wedding and walk down the isle in a white puffy dress and society needs to understand that.
  5. Even if you don’t get married nothing is wrong with you, it simply means it was either not meant for you or your time hasn’t come just as yet and perhaps you do not want to get married at all and that should not be anyone’s business.
  6. Know the reasons WHY you want to get married.  Don’t just dive in head first without even trying to understand the first thing about what marriage is all about.  Too many television watching going on and hoping once you get in it everything will be just like the movies.
  7. Lastly, love yourself enough to know that even if you don’t do things right the first time you can always get up and start afresh, every single day is a chance to rewrite your story.  I am a single mother and I am proud to be a mother to a beautiful little girl who adores me.  Raising a child on my own does not make me any less of a woman, in fact; it has made me stronger, wiser and more responsible than I could have ever imagined.
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Image from Google

And to answer the question that is probably going through your mind right about now, would I want to get married?  As it stands; yes, I would want to get married but for all the reasons I know are right for me and this will be a story for another blog post; BUT please note that if it doesn’t happen my world won’t come crashing down because I am happy with the person I am on my own and getting married for me would be a bonus NOT a life saver.

For now I am going to go about being happy, observing what this life is all about and taking part in it with full force no matter what my marital status.  Happy hormones live here!!!!

©MaKupsy 2016