Adele – Someone Like You

Love is one of the most beautiful things you can experience in this lifetime if it’s reciprocal.  However, if you are one of the unlucky few who got served a huge dose of unrequited love you will know exactly how much pain can come from it.

Thankfully over the years I have had the chance to reflect and take note of some of the mistakes I made in the past where love was concerned.  In the past I have paired myself up with people who actually did not love or care about me.  I saw the signs and chose to ignore them.  A slight sign of concern was automatically mistaken for love.  For me love had to make my heart go pitter patter, lose my senses, lose sleep and have me going through extremes of happiness and sadness.  That was clearly a lot to take in in the name of love.

I used to be a bitter woman, I was mad at the world.  Mad that I loved someone who did not see all the things I did in the name of love.  More than anything I was mad at myself for not seeing something was not good for me and simply walking away when I still had the chance to do so.

I am happy to say that what I view love to be has completely changed.  For me love will not leave me close to feeling a panic attack, love will complete me, love will give me a warm, calm and confident feeling towards my partner.  I don’t think I still get butterflies, maybe it’s an age thing; but I certainly feel that this is right when I am with the perfect match.

I no longer feel anything towards the man who once shattered my heart to irreparable little pieces; I am indifferent towards him.  You will be surprised to note that this very song used to bring me to tears each time I listened to it but now I listen to it and recall that it used to be his favourite song.  Through it all in as much as things didn’t work out between us we had our happy moments.  They didn’t last but for the season they were supposed to they brought a smile to my face.

It’s important to take a step back whenever you get the chance to and find out where you go wrong.  It’s easy to sit down and blame the world for things going wrong in your life when most times you are the very source of your own pain.  You can’t choose who you love though you can try very hard to make sure you love someone who at least feels the same way about you.

I have made it my personal mission to continue to grow myself in love.  How?  By doing things that bring me joy, filling my days with happy moments, understanding that not everyone will understand the intensity that comes with me and above all else to keep learning and unlearning habits that might hinder my progress.  Not everyone will understand what I am about but the right one will know that I am amazing just the way I am.

We live yes, but how many of us actually take time to learn?  

 

 

 

©MaKupsy 2017

Self Worth

I got this message from a friend on mine through WhatsApp.  I thought I would share it here, it’s quite thought provoking.

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In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question:

‘What kind of man are you looking for?’

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in
the eye & asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’ Reluctantly, he said,
Yes.

She began to expound,

‘As a woman in this day & age, I am in a
position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for
myself?

I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the
help of any man… or woman for that matter. I am in the position to
ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated,

‘I am not referring to money. I need something more.
I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.

She said,
‘I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need
conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man.
I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I
don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is
a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business.  I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him…He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said,

‘You are asking for a lot.’

She replied, “I’m worth a lot”. Send this to every woman
who’s worth a lot…. and every man who has the brains to
understand!!!

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Let’s talk about this piece; your thoughts ladies and gentleman!

P.S. I have no idea who wrote this please credit them if you do.

©MaKupsy 2017

Expectations of the Zimbabwean Woman

Sometimes I feel our culture expects too much from a woman.  We are taught to accept certain things as “normal” and not question them.  Take infidelity for example.  The moment a wife finds out her husband is cheating or has a small house trying to confide in his or her relatives can prove to be fruitless because most times she is told that’s what men do.  Today I will touch on relationships in our society.

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Image from Google

 

There are so many different cases of unimaginable things happening around Zimbabwe lately.  One of the articles that I read recently shocked the lights out of me. A woman killed her husband over a text message.  If you read the story at first glance you just tell yourself this woman be crazy!  But when you really think about it; it was probably not about the messages.  I would like to think there is a story behind this story; you just don’t wake up and decide today I am going to kill my husband for no reason.  Chances are her spirit had been broken beyond repair because of issues that hadn’t been dealt with within the marriage and a whole lot of bullshit she had to endure as a woman.  Remember I told you that our culture just tells you to accept things that a man does and go with the flow; now see where that kind of thinking leads to?  A man will cheat, he will beat up his partner, he will have a love child and even bring the child to his matrimonial home, he will leave his family for another woman and what is the woman told?? SHINGA NDOZVAVANOITA VARUME!! (be strong that’s what men do).

I asked a few people whose names will obviously remain anonymous why they chose to stay in abusive relationships even though they could see they were in an unhealthy relationship.

  • They were promised heaven on earth
  • They had low self esteem
  • They enjoyed the attention they got from their partner even though it was the wrong kind of attention
  • They thought he will change and become a better person
  • He promised he would never do it again
  • They stayed because that’s what they knew and were used to
  • Their partner threatened to commit suicide if they decided to leave
  • They stayed because of the children involved in the union
  • They stayed because they worried about what people would think
  • They stayed because they did not want to be alone

I have been in a toxic relationship before and trust me at the time chances are you don’t see that this person is actually abusing you especially if it’s emotional abuse.  Do not even ask me about the process of reporting to the police after an abusive incident, what a joke!  I ended up feeling like I was the one who committed the crime.  Then I tried to go to Musasa Project to try and get some counselling but the queues were long and I waited for half a day on both occasions I tried to go there until I just gave up.  I ended up dealing with the abuse on my own because clearly there was nowhere else to turn to…

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Image from Google

Okay, back to the story at hand.   It’s only after you leave that you realise things could have gone pretty bad if you had decided to soldier on.  I learnt my lesson though, I know that the moment I see any signs of abuse I will walk out and fast I won’t even second guess my decision.  I remember the night my then boyfriend beat the life out of me like it happened yesterday…I stay at a flat with 30 units and even though I screamed and cried for help not a single person came to my rescue.  Do you see another worrisome thing in our society?  Our society does not want people interfering in things that don’t concern them so someone will probably get beaten to death and the neighbours wont say a word or intervene because “it’s none of their business.”

The people who contributed to this post also had a few lessons to share.

  1. He taught me that staying with an abuser is just letting them know it’s okay to get angry and lash out with physical violence they won’t stop.  Your best bet is to leave before something worse happens.
  2. The moment three or four people highlight that your partner is abusive take a step back and look at your relationship from their point of view.  Sometimes outsiders see what you are going through with clear eyes.
  3. People must at least try to intervene when they see a problem.
  4. “Being strong” is not the answer to every problem, people need to sit down and talk about their issues and concerns.

A few weeks ago I noticed that Njabulo wrote a status on Facebook asking why women do not leave abusive relationships.  You can read more from here.

After all is said and done all I can say is we are all human beings and we should always consider how our actions will affect the next person.  Do not go around doing things that will hurt the next person just because you know society will allow you to get away with it.

Have a heart!

©MaKupsy 2017

Life As A Single Mother In Zimbabwe

Being a woman, Being a black woman, Being a black woman in Zimbabawe – MaKupsy 2017

Good morning my darlings, this is a post from last year that I feel needs to be read by anyone who missed it.  Below, a Zimbabwean woman shared her story.

From the onset please note that this is an account of my experiences and does not in any way speak for all single mothers in Zimbabwe. I had my first baby at 16. I was still in school. I got pregnant again at 18 while I was doing my final year of High School “A level”.  Don’t ask how…It’s a story for another day.

Life at School Amazingly I never faced any judgement or shaming.  Maybe it was because I had left the school by the time I started showing.   I started showing very late during the pregnancy and by then had been moved to a school closer to home. But even in the new school everyone was amazingly okay with it and I even went on to do my A Level with no hassle. So being in school as a single mum was not so bad.

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Image from Google

 

Life in Church My family church is Anglican. They were not as accommodating; and for church people, looking back, I feel they were too judgemental. Since I was no longer a virgin, I did not qualify for Saint Agnes Guild nor did I qualify for Mothers’ Union because firstly I was too young, and secondly I was unmarried. But as I grew older, I still could not be part of the Mother’s Union because I was unmarried. Even getting my kids baptised was a hassle. They told me they can’t baptise kids whose fathers are “unknown”. You see, my baby daddies have never seen their kids hence I don’t include their names on the kids’ documentation. They are not even on the birth certificates. My kids finally got baptised at age 12 and 9 after one church elder, a woman; made so much noise about it and threatened to take the issue further up to the Bishop. But over ally, the church never accepted me after my teenage pregnancies. I have since stopped going to Anglican.

Life at home From the onset let me say God blessed me with two amazing parents who took my kids in and looked after them as if they were their own. But it was a different case for my mother and me.  She never quite forgave me for the shame I brought on her by getting pregnant twice. I did the unforgivable in her eyes! Life at home was bed of nails. I became the proverbial slut. After all, according to my mother; the reason none of the guys married me was most probably because I was a slut. It had to be my fault.  It never occurred to her that maybe it was just them who failed to man up.  As a result anything that went wrong in the home was my fault. If she needed someone to lash out at, that was me.  My own sister was warned to keep her husband away from me lest I try and snatch him from her. At the worst of times I was accused of sleeping with my father. You see, he is a very forgiving man who will not continuously punch you for one transgression. He believes in moving on. My mother never understood why he never chased me away from home as is expected by society.  She never understood why he still enjoyed spending time with me watching soccer, generally spending father daughter quality time puzzled her after all the shame I had caused. She never accepted that he would continue to treat me the same way he treated my siblings despite all I had done to the family name.  As a result she felt my father was looking at me as a ‘woman’ not as his daughter and because I was loose, I was hell bent on sleeping with her man too. The day she made her feelings known was the first time I moved out of home with my children. For the record, my father never acted inappropriately towards me ever.   After moving out, she was on my case to comeback since the same society was judging her about my leaving home. I went back, I was still in Varsity. But the emotional and verbal torture would only get worse as I got older. I would always be reminded of how much of an inconvenience I was to my family.   The upside of all this you may ask?  It pushed me to work very hard and make a life for my kids and me. Though my older daughter is currently undergoing therapy to undo the damage caused by hearing and witnessing everything I suffered in my own mother’s house. The list is endless, I could write a whole book about my experience at home as a single mother. It was pure hell on earth.

Life among society in general I am grateful for my few true friends. They’ve kept me sane throughout the years.  As for dating, it was hard to find a man who would take me seriously. The moment they hear single mother, they think you are easy, just to be taken for a ride and have no feelings whatsoever.  They are mostly married men by the way.  As for the single guys; they would not touch me with a ten foot pole!  Extended family would throw a fit if their husbands came anywhere near me.  My sister didn’t like the idea of her husband and me getting close. Then there were those who would label me without even knowing me. I was accepted by only a few members of society Fast forward to today >>> I currently live in South Africa with my daughters. I feel at home because no one ever judged me on the basis of being a single mother. I am currently engaged to a single guy who has no kids. Imagine that! Who would have thought my story would have a happy ending?  I have finally found a place were no snide remarks will be made after I’m asked “So where is your husband”? And I say I don’t have one with confidence and no need to explain my circumstances. I can truly comfortably be me!

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Image from Google

Conclusion Zimbabwe is still a long way from being a good place for single mothers. We get called all sorts of names and M1 (Mother Of One) has to be the worst term ever to come up with. I wish our society could progress beyond all that judgment and realize that just because someone is a mother, has children and not married it does not make her any less of a woman.

I would like to say a big thank you to the beautiful woman who shared this story with me. This story reminds me that us single parents should not despair, there is hope for a beautiful future ahead.

MaKupsy© 2017

What Is Love?

“If you have to ask someone to change, to tell you they love you, to bring wine to dinner, to call you when they land, you can’t afford to be with them.”— Sloane Crosley

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Image from Google

No one will ever know the true definition of love.  I guess everyone has certain things that they feel or expect to be done for them in order to feel that they are in love or are loved.  I for one completely agree with the saying above that if you have to ask then it probably it’s time to reevaluate your relationship/ situationship . This post will have mostly questions instead of answers because as I look around me and watch what is going on I am still puzzled at what it is that love is supposed to be…

Is it love?  When a married man leaves his matrimonial home in the guise of a day out with his boys only for him to go to pay Lobola for his girlfriend? (see why I have trust issues with men?)  I mean, he made a vow to love his wife till the end of time but here he is vowing to love, honour and cherish another woman without his wife’s knowledge? Not only that, some men even go all out and consummate the marriage and have children, sometimes more children than he has at his matrimonial home.  I want to understand who is at fault in this equation; the man for chasing after another woman or the woman for accepting to get into a relationship with a man she knows is married?  But then again sometimes men are not honest and lie that they are single so in other instances you can not entirely blame the woman  because chances are she didn’t even know the man was already committed to someone else.

I realise over time that women want different things.  Some women

  •  want male presence and his marital status is not issue to her as long as he is there for her
  •  want financial security
  •  want someone who will give them children
  •  for some it is merely a hobby of getting someone who doesn’t belong to them
  •  some say they are attracted to married men

Oh well, different strokes for different folks?  Who am I to judge?  I’m just hear to think out loud.

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Image from Google

Is it love?  When a boyfriend continuously cheats on his girlfriend but she stays on because they have been together for the longest time and the fact that he keeps coming back shows that “he loves her” ?  I have read over and over again that a leopard does not change it’s spots so why do some women decide to torture themselves over and over again even though they know that they are achieving the square root of nothing.  I know someone is going to read this and say; but all men cheat!  I would like to believe not all, I am sure there is a handful out there somewhere who put their lustful ways aside and consider the queen in their life and resist temptation.  Those men are out there ladies, why not settle for one like him who will cherish you like you are the only woman in the world??

Is it love?  If you are constantly crying, always complaining to your girlfriends about what he did or did not do?  You keep bumping into messages of conversations with ex girlfriends in his phone, nude photos that he gets from random women, the birthday or anniversary that he forgot, him forgetting to pick you up from work because he was too busy with the boys, you having to rant and rave about why he hasn’t been calling you to check up on you.  I thought when people were in love those things came naturally?  If you have to rant and rave about the smallest of things then maybe just maybe love isn’t being served on that table…How many times do people realise that they are not being treated right and make a decision to leave?  I know, like rarely ever.  People just choose to stay(and complain about it over and over again) and panel beat a relationship that will obviously be going nowhere fast.  I understand that no one is perfect but some of the things that we entertain in this life can be a tad bit ridiculous…all in the name of love.

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Image from Google

Is it love?  If your partner will not go and get tested so that you both know your HIV status?  If he refuses to wear a condom because if you say otherwise then maybe it means you don’t “trust him.”  You would think protecting yourselves from sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy and HIV should be a part of your relationship goals right? WRONG, for some to show them how much you love them then questioning about his or sexual history is a non starter.  I personally don’t buy this “trust” business when it comes to sex because you are not with someone 24/7 and there is no way you can tell what they have been up to with their private parts!  If only private parts were detachable.  Why would one put themselves at such a risk?  Yes, we are all going to die some day, believe it or not!  But why get there sooner than your time when you can do something about prolonging your life.  I know I am just ranting here but we all know that after couples have dated for a long time condoms will become extinct but by all means do get tested so that you know where you both stand.  It isn’t love when you have to stay up at night worried out of your skull after a condom breaks and you both have not been tested.  DO NOT DO IT!

I just want to know what love really is.  I have observed and heard too much around me it has only left me knowing what love is not!

Who do you have any love role models in your life?  If yes, what attributes do you admire about their union?

ⒸMaKupsy 2016

Office Eye Candy

About a year ago there were interviews at my workplace.  The way I got super excited about it you would think I was the one who was going to take part in it.  I have colleagues who have been with the organisation for decades so you can just imagine how old and very married that makes them…This automatically translates to nonexistent eye candy in the office except me of course (insert huge smirk here).   There were about eight gentlemen who came for the interview and most of them were a breath of fresh air.  After a few weeks of waiting three of them were called in to start work.  One of them was just a few years older than me; he was very good looking and looked so good in a suit.  By now my readers should know how much I love a man in a nice suit.

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I was thrilled that we finally had a young person in the office.  In my mind I was thinking now I have all the more motivation to dress all sassy, flirt the day away,  get to work super early so that I can have a chit chat with him before we started work and something nice to catch a glimpse of every now and again because I would get to see him often.  He was going to be my Superman and save me from the dull office environment I currently work in…Did the universe not have other plans for my perfect fantasy or what!  After talking to him the first few days I found out that he had a girlfriend that he was committed to and looking to marry after a few months!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to date the guy because I know how office romance usually ends badly but a little flirting here and there never hurt anyone.

Man I was gutted!!  I actually didn’t speak to him for months after he told me about his girlfriend.  The poor guy didn’t even know what he had done wrong.  I was so upset and when I look back now I can’t help but laugh at myself.   We are good friends now and we do talk but he never got to know I had a major crush on him back then.  The crush has completely worn off now because ever since he got married he has this “prosperity curve” thing going on with him so he is safe. LOL

To all the employers out there please add some eye candy to the office, some women need that extra push to get excited about going to work.

MaKupsy

Maybe…

Today I bumped into a Tweet by a guy named Rogers and it read;

Most women don’t know what to do with a man who loves them completely, so they doubt the authenticity of his feelings and then ruin it all.

Maybe I am just scared

Scared the worst will happen

Maybe I am scared that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me

Maybe I am scared this story might actually have a happy ending

Maybe I am scared that he actually loves me

Love…

I promised myself I would never fall in love again

Promised I would never feel that emotion in this lifetime

Promised that I never wanted the pain that came with a love gone wrong

But here I am

Maybe I am just crawling back in my shell because I keep thinking this is too good to be true

After being disappointed by the people who meant the most

It is becoming harder for me to enjoy something heart warming

I love but

I am afraid to be loved

And if I keep at it I am going to ruin a perfectly beautiful thing

MaKupsy

Cheeky Left Cheek!!

I know I once wrote a blog bragging about how flawless my skin was and I am sad to inform you that I spoke to soon.  I have a serious case of acne on my left cheek and it is making me one unhappy woman.  These pimples have no respect whatsoever, do they realise how old I am??  I thought this was supposed to be a puberty thing but it clearly wants to take me to the grave.  One moment my skin is nice and clear and the next thing it has a mind of its own.  I eat right, I am a serious vegetable freak, I never have a meal that doesn’t have fresh vegetables, I drink enough water for my weight and the occasional treat of chocolate but surely that can not be the reason why my skin has decided to turn against me?  I read somewhere that having sex daily will give you instant glowing skin. (JOKING!!!) But think about it, they say orgasms make one glow so maybe lack of those could be the contributing factor to my bad skin.

unnamed (3)As you can see from the image I took last night the pimples are real and don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon!  Please note, I am not light skinned but I had to use my flash so that you can really see the pimples.  My facial skin is very oily and I actually have days that I don’t even moisturise it after washing.  Sometimes I try to hide the pimples under makeup but that doesn’t help matters because it seems to make the pimples multiply so I have stopped using makeup because of that and also because it takes forever to apply it and I don’t plan on having that as an excuse for being late for work.

What can I do to make them go away?  Oh, and they seem to have a liking to my left cheek, my right cheek has no pimples at all!  I have tried almost every product you can think of but after a few months the pimples make another appearance.  Clinique worked wonders though but it is freaking expensive!  Then there are other products that start changing your complexion and next thing you are a shade lighter.  I love my chocolate complexion thank you so I have decided that maybe home remedies will work best.

I was searching on the internet yesterday and I read from http://www.everydayroots.com that you can use vinegar to clear acne.  I decided to try it out before I went to bed and I woke up with the pimples dried out.  I don’t know how long I have to keep at it but I am willing to try it out if it will give me results.  This is how they advise you use it:

1. Apply some apple cider vinegar

Apple cider vinegar is a powerhouse when it comes to acting as an acne remedy. Why? It kills off the bacteria that may be causing all the trouble in the first place. It also becomes alkaline, and balances the pH of your skin, which in turn makes it harder for bacteria to thrive. To top it off it’s an astringent, like lemon juice, and will help dry up excess oil. Keeping that in mind, don’t overdo and dry out your skin too much. This could cause the sebaceous glands overproduce to compensate, therefore triggering an outbreak.

You will need…
-Pure unfiltered apple cider vinegar
-Fresh water

Directions
Wash your face with water and pat dry. Using a ratio of 1 part vinegar to 3 parts water, dip a cotton ball into vinegar and apply it directly to the blemish. Leave on for at least 10 minutes, or overnight. Reapply several times a day, washing face thoroughly after each time. Make sure to use a moisturizer afterwards as well if you feel like your skin is getting dry.

That said, I am still open to different ideas on how I can get my skin back to normal.  I will try any home remedies; just don’t suggest I drink my own urine, I WILL NOT DO IT!

MaKupsy

Day 6 – Easy Like A Sunday Morning

I have a love hate relationship with Sunday.  I love it because I get to relax and unwind but I hate it because it’s a reminder that I have to get back to being normal and stop spending my day in my PJ’s doing any and everything at my own time and pace.

On my list of things to do today I have:

  • attempt to get out of bed
  • decide on whether to go to church or not
  • do an indoor workout DVD for 30 minutes
  • take a bath
  • fix one heck of a big breakfast because I don’t plan on going back to the kitchen anytime soon today

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    I am having a glass of fruit juice because I miss red wine so bad but it now gives me a serious headache so now I have settled for this.

  • take a walk
  • take a lot of photos of random interesting things, selfies included
  • try and catch the 12:30 pm  movie
  • buy a bunch of lilies on my way home after the movie
  • take a 45 minute power nap
  • wake up to a dance playlist to get myself in cooking mode
  • decide on whether to cook supper or eat out but chances are I will cook and include some meals for the week that way I can just reheat as I go
  • take a nice hot bath
  • enjoy whatever I decide to cook for supper
  • jump into bed and watch a movie and send endless WhatsApp messages to the man who stole my heart and probably won’t give it back

Have a lovely Sunday everyone.

MaKupsy