I was convinced that I would never be able to forgive. I told myself I would hold onto the hurt and pain for as long as I lived so that it would be a constant reminder that the people you think love you are capable of hurting you. 7 years have passed since all the things I thought would break me have become but a memory. I still can’t believe it. How can I look back and share stories about things that nearly sent me to my death bed from pain with a smile on my face? A lot of my friends used to lecture me and say just let go and move on but my heart and mind weren’t in that space just yet. Eventually, at my own pace and time I forgave and let go; and that right there was the the best decision that I ever made for myself.
I was filled with hate, bitterness and vengeance towards the father of my child and an ex boyfriend. Those two people had put me through hearth break, physical and emotional abuse and I in turn had not mastered the art of self love. Through everything I went through with them I was convinced that there was something wrong with me and there had to be something I could do that would make them love me. When I look back I realise that had I loved myself enough I would have been more discerning and looked out for red flags at an earlier stage. Actually no, it’s not even about red flags, I would have had wisdom to know the difference between love and infatuation. Then again when you don’t know how to love yourself just yet any slight form of affection from the next person feels like love.
Years later I’m in a much better place both emotionally and physically. I had to be, how else was I going to enjoy God’s great gift of life if I was going to be constantly looking back at what went wrong. If I was going to survive I had to find inner peace.
How does one find inner peace?
I don’t have a winning formula. What works for me might not work for you but it’s worth giving a shot if you’re going through a difficult emotional time. I wrote about my feelings. This is how my blog was birthed, I needed an outlet to vent my feelings. I turned to exercising. I was overweight thanks to a drinking habit I had caught onto in a bid to ease my emotional pain. I hadn’t even noticed that I wasn’t taking care of my physical health. I talked about it to my close friends. The gods know they received enough long messages and phone calls from me each time I had an emotional relapse. If you’re a spiritual person you can turn your worries to God and pray about it.
I never received an apology for the pain that I went through. I actually never expected it to come and that’s alright. I did myself a favour instead and forgave them and forgave myself for making not very wise decisions many years ago. I learnt my mistakes and I trust in the near future I’ll make more informed decisions.
You can read some of the posts of the experiences I’ve gone through over the years. When I read these now I can still feel the emotions in each post but they no longer have an bearing on my life.
I would like to thank the people mentioned in the blog posts for the experiences. At some point I used to think that meeting was a mistake but nothing in life works like that. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, season or a lesson. Trust me when I say I learnt my lessons.
My heart is in a beautiful place. It’s filled with love, daily positive affirmations and hope for an amazing future ahead. Life happens but we must not stay in a dark space forever. It’s important to move on and find your peace. 7 years later I can safely say I forgive you and I wish you all the beautiful things that life has to offer.
“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does change the future.”