20 Secrets About Relationships

I’m no dating expert and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I’ve had more lows than highs in trying out relationships but I still have hope that things will work out with a beautiful ending each time I’m in a relationship.  Below you will find some of the not so secret secrets about relationships I’ve learnt over the past few years and I’m certain you will agree with one or two of them.  Turns out relationships are different but they all follow some universal truths.

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Image from Pinterest

  1. The honeymoon phase does fade.  Almost all relationships start out heated like a firework display but eventually you tire of each other and you have to find ways to spice things up in the relationship.
  2. Just because they say they love you, it doesn’t mean they actually mean it.  Strange I know but for some people saying the words is a walk in the park.  What you need to do is watch if their words match their actions.  Then again those too can be deceiving.
  3. You need to learn the art of communication.  You’re two different people with different backgrounds.  It’s important to speak up when you are not happy about something, your partner can not guess what is going on with you.
  4. Your partner had a life before you; at some point the past will come knocking on your door.  If you’re one of the lucky few the past will remain where it belongs and never interfere with your relationship.
  5. Not all relationships are meant to last or get you walking down the aisle and that’s okay.  I believe everyone we meet is meant to teach us something whether it works out or not.
  6. It’s best to wait to have sex until you are married, that way you have no room for comparison.  However, if you’ve already had sex before marriage approach your relationship with a blank sheet of paper.  Take notes and learn what you both like or dislike when it comes to sex.  Just because your former partner liked something it doesn’t automatically mean your current partner will like it too.
  7. You’re going to learn to compromise. It can’t be about you all the time anymore.  Being in a relationship means some days you will go and watch soccer when you would rather be out for lunch with your girls.  It’s about finding balance and doing things to make your partner happy too.
  8. You won’t be able to change the next person.  Change comes from an individual, at their own pace, at their own time.
  9. Not everyone has to know about your relationship, keep it private, it keeps the magic in your relationship going.  Please note that I didn’t say secret.  May you have wisdom to know the difference between a private and a secret relationship.
  10. You too have faults, while you are ranting and raving about your partners faults, remember he is only human and who knows, he is probably complaining about you too.  Make it your mission to be continuously working on yourself to become a better person.
  11. Friends do not always have your best interests at heart.  Make your own decisions on who you want to be with, remember other people might just be jealous of your relationship and looking for ways to sabotage it.  Make it a habit to keep some of your relationship to yourself.  Do your friends really need to know all the amazing things your partner does for you?
  12. There is more to a relationship that earth shaking, mind blowing, orgasmic unforgettable sex.  You have to be able to bring other wholesome things to a relationship.
  13. You are an individual, that means you have a life of your own too.  Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you have to abandon your life.  When you enter a relationship the idea is to have someone compliment you not complete you because if you make your partner your everything that is where trouble starts.
  14. Moving in together is a bad idea. (talking from first hand experience Then again it has worked out wonderfully for some couples.  I guess there’s no formula for this one.  What are your thoughts on this?
  15. You will have problems along the way, but you have to solve them.  Ending a relationship just because you had a misunderstanding won’t make the actual problems go away.  Chances are even after moving on you will still face the same unresolved issues.
  16. Pay attention to what your partner says.  Too often you are busy falling in love and not paying attention to the little important details.  For example, your partner may tell you they never want to have children and 5 years down the line you try and convince them you want to have children and they tell you no and you think they are being unfair…you my dear, were not paying attention.
  17. Apologise when you are wrong.  It’s the only way to move forward.
  18. Be with someone who makes it clear that you are in a relationship, uncertainty about where you stand with someone just complicates an already complicated life.
  19. Be in a relationship where you make time to call each other, with all this technology Instant Messaging has become the it thing people have forgotten how special hearing the voice of the love of your life over the phone.
  20. Date someone who takes note of the small but important things.  Like meeting you after work for an hour, planning date nights, a walk in the park, any other activity that gives you both quality time to talk and catch up on each others lives in person.

**Bonus Point** STAY AWAY FROM THEIR PHONE. You can read about My Experience With Snooping Through His Phone to see just how this single act can change your life.

Can you relate to any of these?  If yes which ones spoke to you?

©MaKupsy 2019

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PDA (Public Display of Affection)

My very first boyfriend was the king of PDA! That guy was as possessive as they come; he had this thing he did to make sure no one else would have any interests in me whatsoever.  He made sure he would hold my hand ALL THE TIME when we were walking, he would kiss me goodbye without fail and he was one of those guys who always wanted to hear the “I love you” at the end of a conversation.  To be honest I hated it back then I just thought it was highly unnecessary but over time I grew to like it and I ended up being the one stressing him out for PDA.

Fast forward to present day.  I strongly believe that lips were made for kissing.  If you aren’t using them for such a breathtaking experience then I honestly don’t know what you are doing in this life. I know for a fact that I will never say my goodbyes with my boyfriend without slipping in a light kiss on the lips.  No groping or anything too dramatic for me though, just something light enough to linger long enough to make you smile for the next few minutes after we have gone our separate ways.

I observe couples in the mornings when they say their goodbyes.  I can tell which couple is still new, has been in a relationship for a while or is married.  This is how I differentiate them.  I could be wrong of course but they is my own little personal theory.

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Image from Pinterest

  1. The fresh in a relationship couple will say goodbye a million times over before actually going their separate ways.  They will give each other a warm never ending hug and sometimes a longish kiss then eventually let go off each other and get on with their day.  If they are in a car you can tell by the way the guy can’t keep his hands off her thick thighs. He probably can’t get enough of her because you know what they say about new found love…New found love is like a brand new toy and men can never get enough of those.
  2. The relationship that has been going on for maybe a year plus will just give each other a second long hug or a peck on the lips or cheek and then off they go.  Usually taking out their phones and chatting away with whoever is online because they probably had their phones on silent the whole time in order to give each other “undivided attention” to their partner.  At this stage of the relationship the routine is killing them.  Something exciting might just bring back the fire between them.
  3. The married couple.  This one just says bye, or not.  You can easily spot this couple from a distance because PDA probably doesn’t live here anymore especially if they have been married for years.  I wonder what really happens here?  Could it be a case of familiarity?  Like, they assume their partner no longer needs affection?However, I’ve seen a handful who still kiss goodbye but those are rare.

That said, what’s your take on PDA?  How will you resolve things if you find out early on in your relationship that your partner was really not into it but it was one of your favourite things to do?

Is it a deal breaker or not?

 

©MaKupsy 2018

 

I Forgave Him Even When I Thought It Was Impossible

I was convinced that I would never be able to forgive.  I told myself I would hold onto the hurt and pain for as long as I lived so that it would be a constant reminder that the people you think love you are capable of hurting you.  7 years have passed since all the things I thought would break me have become but a memory.  I still can’t believe it.  How can I look back and share stories about things that nearly sent me to my death bed from pain with a smile on my face?  A lot of my friends used to lecture me and say just let go and move on but my heart and mind weren’t in that space just yet.  Eventually, at my own pace and time I forgave and let go; and that right there was the the best decision that I ever made for myself.

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Image from Pinterest

I was filled with hate, bitterness and vengeance towards the father of my child and an ex boyfriend.  Those two people had put me through hearth break, physical and emotional abuse and I in turn had not mastered the art of self love.  Through everything I went through with them I was convinced that there was something wrong with me and there had to be something I could do that would make them love me.  When I look back I realise that had I loved myself enough I would have been more discerning and looked out for red flags at an earlier stage.  Actually no, it’s not even about red flags, I would have had wisdom to know the difference between love and infatuation. Then again when you don’t know how to love yourself just yet any slight form of affection from the next person feels like love.

Years later I’m in a much better place both emotionally and physically.  I had to be, how else was I going to enjoy God’s great gift of life if I was going to be constantly looking back at what went wrong.  If I was going to survive I had to find inner peace.

How does one find inner peace? 

I don’t have a winning formula.  What works for me might not work for you but it’s worth giving a shot if you’re going through a difficult emotional time.  I wrote about my feelings.  This is how my blog was birthed, I needed an outlet to vent my feelings.  I turned to exercising.  I was overweight thanks to a drinking habit I had caught onto in a bid to ease my emotional pain.  I hadn’t even noticed that I wasn’t taking care of my physical health.  I talked about it to my close friends.  The gods know they received enough long messages and phone calls from me each time I had an emotional relapse.  If you’re a spiritual person you can turn your worries to God and pray about it.

I never received an apology for the pain that I went through. I actually never expected it to come and that’s alright.  I did myself a favour instead and forgave them and forgave myself for making not very wise decisions many years ago.  I learnt my mistakes and I trust in the near future I’ll make more informed decisions.

You can read some of the posts of the experiences I’ve gone through over the years.  When I read these now I can still feel the emotions in each post but they no longer have an bearing on my life.

Butterfly

Rebound Guy

A Letter To My Ex Boyfriends

An Open Letter To Kupakwashe’s Father

I would like to thank the people mentioned in the blog posts for the experiences.  At some point I used to think that meeting was a mistake but nothing in life works like that.  Everyone comes into your life for a reason, season or a lesson.  Trust me when I say I learnt my lessons.

My heart is in a beautiful place.  It’s filled with love, daily positive affirmations and hope for an amazing future ahead.  Life happens but we must not stay in a dark space forever.  It’s important to move on and find your peace.  7 years later I can safely say I forgive you and I wish you all the beautiful things that life has to offer.

“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does change the future.”

©MaKupsy 2018

Marriage – Behind Closed Doors

The following post on marriage contains thoughts from the people around me who are currently married.  I decided to get all the interesting information on married life, from the good, the bad and the ugly side of it.  I will not be using their actual names; I will just give them numbers for the sake of confidentiality.  I made a few comments here and there because it seems I always have something to say.  My thoughts are in italics.

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Husband 1

The Good

  • Companionship
  • Sex on call
  • A home cooked meal everyday
  • Having someone clean after you
  • Having someone do your laundry

The Bad

  • Different people have differences from time to time. I always point out that we all come from different backgrounds and upbringings so there will definitely be differences.
  • Taking care of the bills, eish ha hazvinakidze! Unenge uchida kumbozvi spoiler and buy yourself expensive cars, clothes cologne and so on but you can’t because you have a family to take care of.

Husband 2

The Good

  • The Commitment – it’s not about me its about us (family)
  • The communication – you have a second voice. Usually more informed decisions are made when you include someone else in the picture.
  • The Bonding – your sex life has only room to improve
  • Common Goal – the children become the centre of your life

The Bad

  • You can kiss freedom goodbye
  • You start losing your individuality
  • Your spouse wants to do every single thing with you. This doesn’t sound healthy, AT ALL.
  • No more experimenting during sex
  • You have to beg for sex
  • I didn’t marry my soul mate, each day I think about the one that got away

And then I had a chance to speak to two ladies who have been married for a while now and this is what they had to say:

Wife 1

The Good

  • Always having someone to share all of life’s experience with, my husband is literally my other 1/2
  • Stability of not searching for a partner and knowing that there is someone committed to me and our life
  • Support from my husband when things get tough, he encouraged me throughout University as I got my degrees after marriage
  • Raising my child with the father gives me a joy I can’t describe
  • Sex with your one and only who has committed to you in front of God and man is WOW

The Bad

  • In-laws, I have some nasty sister in laws., Daughter in law expectations are high and some of them cannot accept that I cannot cook pamoto ( by the fire)
  • Iinfidelity, now this one hurts, my husband has cheated on me, the pain cannot be put into words and you never quite get over it.  At any given time when the issue of infidelity is brought up I get uncomfortable. It takes away a part of you, like am I not good enough?
  • Then there is HIV/Aids even when you your partner is cheating you can’t use a condom.  This is the one thing that freaks me out about marriage, you will just have to hope and pray that you don’t catch any disease.  Not using protection puts your life at risk.  Unless you put your foot down and insist on protection but it does not sound like it would be an easy thing to even begin to suggest.

Wife 2

The Good

  • I can have sex as and when i want it. Do people love their sex or what???
  • I no longer have to wait eagerly for the next date because we are now staying together
  • Marriage has increased my wisdom because our intellects have been merged by the mere fact that we are now one flesh.
  • Marriage comes with a certain level of respect. My sisters who are over 13years older than me consult me on everything happening in the family be it tombstone unveiling plans, family crisis, the works .This wouldn’t have happened if I was not yet married.
  • Satisfaction, for me marriage is a very big achievement because it is every woman’s dream of which it came true for me. Correction, not every woman, most women, some women don’t even want to get married for reasons best known to them.

The Bad

  • It is not all rosy though you can choose to still stay cosy.
  • Transparency seems one sided monetary wise. I am transparent even with $1 but my husband can lend $a lot of money to someone without my knowledge. My two cents?  Honesty is the best policy.
  • Family interference, this can steal all the plans we have made for ourselves. Plans are usually changed because “mother in law says so”
  • Lack of privacy: I am married to a man whose family is quite big though all of them are married except the last child. They can’t seem to wean each other off.   I had hoped to spend the first 2 years of marriage on our own so that we learn about each other but fat chance, the moment we got back from honeymoon there were people who had already moved in with us.  It is still the case today.  .I love all his relatives and I treat them well but I can do with a little privacy sometimes. Our culture believes in taking care of family, unfortunately when you marry someone you marry everything about them. 
  • Lack of respect from the in laws. They don’t respect my property, they don’t respect our cars, they don’t respect the things that we have worked for.  When someone hasn’t worked for anything they don’t use it with care because they don’t know the sacrifices you make to get to own something.  It really is sad.

There you have it, the life and times of married life.  Of course I still want to get married even after getting to find out about some of the bad sides of marriage. But today is not about me, I wanted to get inside scoop just to be prepared in advance.  I believe that marriage is a blessing, just like having children.  Not everyone will get to be married and live happily ever after but if you do get the chance to find your own way of making it work.

What are your thoughts on marriage, is it something you’re aiming for or currently experiencing.  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

©MaKupsy 2018

My Birth Control Experience

I didn’t grow up with vast knowledge on Birth Control.  You can read all about the only ever sex and reproductive health talk I got the day I got my first period here.  The only form of birth control I was aware of were Condoms and well, that didn’t go very well seeing that I got knocked up.   (please note the Withdrawal Method failed dismally in this case, use it at your own risk).   A few months after having my daughter we decided that we were going to try and not have another unplanned pregnancy so off to New Start Centre we went.  (Contraceptive is free at New Start Centre)

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Image from Google

I didn’t realise there were so many birth control methods available.  The counselor was very helpful and talked us through all the methods.   I had to weigh in so that she could check if my BMI was in check.  Unfortunately I was overweight and according to her I could not get onto almost all the methods because the hormones would make me gain even more weight.

She suggested I try The Loop also known as IUD: Intrauterine Device (IUD) for Birth Control.  An IUD is a small, T-shaped plastic device that is wrapped in copper or contains hormones. The IUD is inserted into your uterus by your doctor.  I think that method is only for the brave because having the IUD inserted is the most uncomfortable experience I have gone through to date.  Once it was done she told me that the only thing I would need to worry about was an extra day or two to my monthly period.  WRONG!

When I got my first period after getting The Loop I didn’t make it to work.  I never get period pain and I was confused when my lower back and abdomen were in excruciating pain.  I couldn’t even leave my bed.  I felt nauseous, I was weak and the thought of food was not helping matters at all.  I had to call in sick and made my way to the doctor.  I thought I was going to die!  At the same time I thought I was pregnant but how are you even pregnant when you are on your period?  I was worried sick.  When I got to speak to the doctor he told me that I was suffering from Dysmenorrhea; which is basically painful periods.  The doctor informed me that it was part of the side effects of the birth control method I had opted for.  I got a couple of pain killers and sleeping tablets to help me sail through my monthlys.  Well, that didn’t help much but at least it made me feel a little better.

That was not all, after my period I had a massive breakout on my face.  I have never seen my skin transform into someone that I couldn’t even recognise in the mirror.  Then my pee started to smell like copper. Oh my word!!!  Maybe it was just in my head…all the same before I got to the second month of using that method I went back to New Start and asked them to remove it!  I was unhappy and uncomfortable.  The counselor tried to convince me that my body needed at least 3 months to adjust to the foreign body but I would hear none of it.  I was not about to go another month of having an 8 day period!!!  Do you have any idea how expensive tampons are?!  Being on your period already sucks as it is now imagine going at it for a whole week… Goodbye sex!

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Image from Google

Once they removed The Loop I went and bought a whole box of condoms.  Yes, I am one of those individuals who don’t mind buying her own condoms because I value my health.  After that experience I just decided condoms are the way to go for me, I won’t have it any other way.

P.S I tried to use the female condom, it’s a NO for me, it’s too big, actually looks like a plastic bag, but that’s just me.

Ladies, talk to me, which birth control method are you on?

Which one did you have a bad experience with?

Who taught you about birth control?

Stay in tune with your body, your health is your business.

©MaKupsy 2018

Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Break Up

Getting into a relationship is easy, staying in one is a whole different ball game.  Times have changed, options aplenty and the moment things go wrong most couples are quick to give up and walk away from each other without ever taking time to work on each other instead.  There are so many different platforms you can hook up with someone and start over and completely forget about your former relationship; but is that really how things should be like?  From my personal experiences in the past you can walk away yes but you will walk into a new relationship and still face the same problems with a different person.  Perhaps before you choose to end a relationship you need to ask yourself what qualities attracted you to the once was love of your life and find good reasons to stay.

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Image from Pinterest

Friendship

Do you enjoy each other’s company?  Are you the sort of couple that can go out all weekend party hard and have the best time ever.  Or you’re the couple that can spend the day at home cooking, catching up, watching a good movie or whatever you both enjoy and still have a good time?  Whatever the case might be the way I see it if you two are friends before anything else chances of weathering any storm that comes your way are very high.  Love will fade eventually but friendship will likely last forever; at least I hope it will.

Sex

Everyone knows that the first few weeks of sex as a new couple is non-stop.  Once you finally decide you’re both ready it’s like the only thing you two get up to.  Over time (if your relationships gets to last long enough) you’ll be more comfortable and no longer be having sex for the orgasms and focus more on exploration and pleasuring each other.  Something called sexual compatibility is a thing and if you find that you two are the lucky few to have that hold onto it.  It’s rare to find.

Starting Over Is A Chore

So…what’s your favourite colour?  Oh my word!  If I ever have to go through that sort of conversation again I promise I’ll stab myself to death with a spoon.  That stuff is tiring.  I don’t want anyone else to know what my favourite colour, food, music is or what I like to do with my weekends.  The whole process of getting to know a completely different person is a lot of work I’m not willing to put in.  I’m good thank you very much.  I’ll stick with my partner and find new ways to annoy him instead.

Growth

If you’re a completely different person since you met your current partner then why would you even think of leaving?  Have they taught you a new skill, helped you look at life from a different lens, challenged you to be better, upgraded you not only financially but physically and spiritually?  If you answered yes to most of these then why are you entertaining such negative thoughts?  There’s no such thing as breaking up, you’re going to work through this shit together.

Security

I know you thought of money when you read this but for me money is a bonus.  From my viewpoint emotional security is one of the reasons I would stay in a relationship.  Nothing beats knowing that you’re with someone who has your best interests at heart, someone you trust and someone who is emotionally available.  It’s not easy going through life on your own but if you’re the lucky few to have a partner with these qualities be thankful and also take notes from them so that you too can reciprocate when the need arises.

Choose to love everyday.

I wrote this post with my late colleague Itai in mind.  She died in her sleep two months ago; she had a heart condition.  We sat right next to each other in the office and everyday we had new stories and fashion tips to share.  She was such a lovely person and when she passed on I struggled for weeks.  I couldn’t believe I was never going to see her again.  She was a big sister to me.  She always used to say that life was short and that we should celebrate each day like it’s our last because tomorrow isn’t promised.  I still picture her in her red dress standing right next to me telling me she was struggling with her condition and she would be lucky if she would make it till the end of the year. I could see her health was deteriorating but I told her she shouldn’t talk like that because words have power.  Now she’s gone but I know she’s now in a happy place and she’s finally at peace.  I miss her everyday and thinking about her has my heart breaking all over again.  

Don’t take the people in your life for granted.  Today might be the last day you see them.  Find reasons to love them like it’s the last time…

©MaKupsy 2018

Online Dating With Aunty Tari

Online dating (or Internet dating) is a system that enables people to find and introduce themselves to new personal connections over the internet usually with the goal of developing personal, romantic, or sexual relationships. – Wikipedia

MaKupsy Aunty Tari Diaries

Tari

 

What made you decide to venture into match making people?

I’ve always been a matchmaker at heart.  In the past I’ve matched people as friends and they’re still going strong in friendship many years later.  I thought if I could do such a great job with friendship perhaps I should give romantic relationships a go.  It also happened that someone on Twitter lamented that they were done looking for love because they weren’t meeting any new people.  In that very moment I  decided to change my handle and start offering the service; just like that.

How long has your online dating service been running for?

I’ve been doing this for about two months now.  I get match making requests daily  at any time of day.  I usually respond after work or during the weekend.

What are your thoughts on online dating?

It’s the next best thing since chocolate!  With our hectic schedules who honestly has time to physically meet new people?

What are some of the requests you have found “strange” in the match making service?

The strangest request has to be the one guy who asked me if I could hook him up with a professional prostitute.  He offered to pay me handsomely.

Have you received feedback from the couples you have paired up?

Yes, I’ve received both negative and positive feedback. Unfortunately; some people have rejected their matches because they’re either not good looking enough or they don’t keep a stimulating conversation going.  There are also those who totally ghost and you can never tell what the review is. On the bright side some people are excited about the service and sing praises of a job well done when they pair up with someone.

How do you guarantee security for your users?

At this stage I don’t offer security yet.  I try to verify the identities of all my clients.  Once matched the onus is upon the matched to do their own homework about their match.  I hope to improve on security as my service gets sophisticated.  However, privacy is 100% guaranteed.

Do you have any additional services coming up?

Yes.  I plan to start an advice column soon.  On your blog 🙂

What else can we expect from Aunty Tari?  I’m expecting wedding bells from the match making but what do you hope for your clients?

I’m hoping to raise awareness of online dating.  It’s not the scary monster everybody thinks it is.  A lot of people seem to think online dating is just for hook ups.  You would be surprised at the number of beautiful stories with happy endings that started online.  I also want my clients to realise that both love and friendship can be found online.

Any advice for those wanting to venture into online dating?

You only live once!  Try it out and above all else make sure you verify everything your match tells you.  You wouldn’t want unpleasant surprises.

Thank you Tari for taking time out of your busy schedule to share your journey with me.  If you would like to connect with her you can find her on Twitter: @tariwemadimples  Feel free to go through her hash tag #AuntyTariDatingLounge who knows, you might be lucky to find your match.

I would like to call on all the techy readers I have.  If you’re good at creating apps this might be a great opportunity to partner up with Tari and create our very own Zimbabwe Dating App.  This about it…

Have you tried online dating?  What are some of the great and not so great things you’ve heard about it?  Let’s talk.

 

©MaKupsy 2018

5 Reasons To Take A Break From Dating

Before I start telling you why you should take a break from dating just know humans ain’t shit.  People don’t know who they are; most don’t have the slightest clue of what they do or don’t want and yet they want to drag you into their lives so that you can be a part of their mess.  From my view point, only when you are fully aware of who you are must you enter into a relationship other than that, stay single; learn and unlearn what you’re about one day at a time.

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Image from Pinterest

1. You focus too much on your partner and not enough on your own life.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being concerned about your partner.  However, if that’s the focus of your life then you just might have a problem.  We’ve all seen people who behave in this fashion and whose lives revolve around their significant others.  Sit at home all weekend waiting for them to suggest an outing, always celebrating their partners achievements and successes meanwhile they are doing nothing to upgrade themselves, never doing anything on their own because they “prefer to be with their SO”, obsessing about them, going on and on about how amazing they are which falls nothing short of deifying them.  Guys please work with me here; another human being is not a hobby.  You need to get a life outside this person.

2. You are not experiencing growth in your dating experiences.

Imagine never getting to try out new places to eat, new adventures, adopting new healthy habits, getting to meet new people and making new friends together.  Do think deeply about this; if you stagnate and remain the same person you were after dating someone then surely that relationship wasn’t really worth your while now, was it?  Relationships should make us grow.

3. You keep dating the same problematic characters.

Ever noticed how some people have a “type”?  Yes, that type that gives them sleepless nights and endless headaches.  The type you know deep in your heart of hearts is not good for you.  Sometimes it really isn’t them.  Sometimes it’s you.  You already know the recipe for the upcoming disaster but you entertain it anyway. You need to do yourself a favour and remember the famous words of Albert Einstein;

“Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results.” 

4. You are obsessed with getting into a relationship.

Ever stopped to ask yourself why you actually want to be in a relationship?  I know I have, countless times.  Sometimes it was for the strangest of reasons.  I would see beautiful couples on Instagram and think WOW they look so happy I also want that in my life.  Do you fall in love with the idea of being in love? Fear of missing out will take you to places that you will forever regret if you don’t manage it well.  So each time the need to be in a relationship pops up, take a step back and ask yourself WHY?

5. You just came out of a relationship or a bad break up.

Rebound relationships been there done that wouldn’t recommend it to when you are at your most vulnerable.  If you’re hurting you should be healing not dating.  Do not use someone as a crutch to get over your pain.  Then again people are different and if you feel you need to do that go right ahead but be warned that you may not be riding into the sunset for a ‘happily ever after’ ending.

What are some of the reasons you think one should take a break from dating? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

©MaKupsy 2018

4 Relationship Deal Breakers

Show me a woman who doesn’t want a man with a plan and I will show you a liar! – MaKupsy 2017

The following deal breakers apply to both male and female so pay attention this might be the reason why one or some of your relationships have not worked out.

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Image from Google

Poor Hygiene

I don’t know about you but personally if the person who is supposedly pursuing me is not friends with taking a bath that might be an actual reason to go our separate ways.  I think that we should all love ourselves enough to take care of our bodies and that includes basic things like taking a bath, brushing your teeth, cutting your nails, flushing after yourself when you leave the toilet and wearing clean ironed clothes!!  It might sound basic on paper but some people couldn’t care less and go around looking like they just walked out of a maize field and expect to get a partner looking like that?

Inability To Spend

Now before you raise your eyebrows I am not talking about a man spending money on a woman.  I am talking about an individual spending money on THEMSELVES.  This right here is an actual cause of concern because if you are not occasionally spoiling yourself with the finer things what are the chances of you doing the same for a partner if you end up with one?  However, this can work either way because one may not necessarily spend on themselves but will spend on their partner…BUT it’s very rare that this happens; it’s complicated really.

Drive & Ambition

Show me a woman(man) who doesn’t want a man with a plan and I will show you a liar!  As you get older relationships become less of “Let’s see how this goes” and more of “What’s the plan between us”.  By plan I don’t mean a couple getting marriage which is a great idea by the way.  In this case I mean a plan to work together and encourage each other to reach personal and couple goals.  A plan for what your day, weekend, month or year together will look like.  Nothing brings a yawn fest as much as having a partner who has no plan whatsoever for the team.  Remember a relationship is a team effort and if you are the only one driving the team you will get tired and that right there will be the beginning of many problems to come.  I once had a conversation with a friend who told me that in order for people to have less stress in relationships they should try and pair up with people who “mirror them”.  Loosely translated to be with someone who has dreams, aspirations and the same energy as you do that way you will be team players and not have a situation of a pilot and a passenger in the relationship.

Dishonesty

This has to be the biggest deal breaker for me.  If you are in a relationship feelings change for the worst or the best and that is perfectly okay.  It is always best to communicate how you feel about the next person because even though some of the honesty might hurt it saves a couple time.  For example, if you fall out of love with someone don’t keep quiet about it and hope things will change.  Sometimes all you need to do is talk about it with your partner and find ways to bring back the fire.  If that fails then do the adult thing and break up amicably.  Most people choose to keep quiet about how they feel and end up cheating and hurting more people than necessary in the process.  If you are about this relationship business then you have to start getting your communication skills in tip top shape.

We were all brought up differently and when you get into a relationship this is the first thing you need to remind yourself.  What might be perfectly normal to you might be foreign to the next person.  You have to be patient and get to learn what you are both about but it doesn’t mean you have to stay on if you are unhappy.  Your happiness comes first and after you have tried everything to try and blend in it’s fine to walk away and take care of yourself.

These are the four main deal breakers for me.  What are yours?

I know I didn’t add cheating but it’s so cliche everyone says they won’t tolerate cheating but most people end up putting up with it when they find out but that’s a story for a completely different day.

Today, let’s talk about what will stop you from dating that one person you have your eye on?

©MaKupsy 2018

15 Ways To Mend A Broken Heart

Heartbreak; if you haven’t gone through it then you my dear are one of the lucky few.  In my opinion the pain that comes with it is right there next to labour pains.  It’s something you don’t want to experience more than once because the pain usually scars you for weeks, months and sometimes years to come.  I asked some of my favourite people on Twitter to share how they managed to get over a heartbreak and as always they didn’t disappoint!  I like to keep opinions anonymous so names are not mentioned.  Their healing processes and some of mine are in the list below.  Kick back, grab your notepad and fix yourself a strong cup of coffee you will want to keep this!

  1. Cry. Cry yourself to sleep, cry yourself through the day, cry each time you listen to that sappy song that reminds you of him, heck cry yourself a whole river!  It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, crying will help wash away the pain.  Whatever you do, DO NOT internalise your emotions.
  2. Get high or die trying. Seriously.  Nothing makes you feel better like a good old smoke.  You are guaranteed of short term memory loss which is a good thing because you can focus on the feel good sensation and forget about your broken heart for a while.  Proven effects include joy, euphoria, contentedness and a care-free attitude!
  3. Cut contact, otherwise you will find yourself snooping on their social media this is very unhealthy.   I suggest you actually take a social media fast for the next 30 days in a bid to protect yourself.  The last thing you want to do is see your ex partner all loved up on Instagram.  That will actually do you more harm than good, heartbreak and social media are NOT friends!
  4. Get up under someone new.  Try this at your own risk.  An orgasm a day keeps the stress away.  Yes, I made that saying up but it’s a sure way to take your mind off your ex but just make sure whoever you decide to have sex with will actually shower you with multiple orgasms otherwise the whole act will be pointless and leave you frustrated.
  5. Listen to some music. Not the sappy sad stuff by the way. Something upbeat to lift up your spirits.
  6. Move to another place.  Try getting a job in a town hours away from your current location or better yet leave the entire country.  That way you can heal faster without any memory triggers.
  7. Keep yourself occupied. Spent time with friends, do your favourite things.  Try positive distractions such as going out and doing something fun especially something new. Amusement Park, dancing; getting out and not focusing or dwelling on the heartbreak.

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    Photo Credit: @tendai_angela (Instagram)

  8. Put yourself out there. You don’t have to rush into another relationship but just go on dates and feel wanted. It helps to not be lonely and also just for the confidence boost.
  9. Alcohol! , it numbs the pain.  Those who don’t drink can safely turn to ice-cream or comfort foods; hello calories!!  I have tried and tested this one and all I can say is that alcohol will fix the problem for that day but when you wake up sober all the pain will come rushing back.
  10. Accept that it’s over.  This is probably the most crucial point because without this you won’t be able to.  Accept it and do not be bitter, okay TRY very hard not to be bitter.
  11. Positive self talk and reflection.  Remind yourself it’s their loss and not yours. BUT also look at your contributions to the demise of your relationship.  Avoid self blame at all costs but focus on reflecting. This usually happens further down the road to mending your heartbreak.
  12. Let go completely.  You are not trying to do the whole “Oh we’re broken up but we’re cool and modern so we can be friends” – it just prolongs the pain! CUT TIES…Cut it, Cut it, Cut it, you need to cut it!!
  13. Be kind to yourself.  You will have days where you will be upset with the world.  It happens, embrace it.
  14. Time.  It mends the heart.  I know others believe getting straight into another relationship helps you get over another one. This is not everyone’s portion.  Avoid going from one mess straight into another.  That way when you say “I am over someone” you really over them. There are no comebacks.  Time is often under estimated; especially nowadays because everyone wants an instant fix. There is NO QUICK FIX for heartbreak. This is why we end up having relationships with broken people who haven’t healed from past mistakes. Be fair to the next person. Take your time, you do not heal overnight.
  15. Understand that heartbreak is a part of life.  Not just in romantic relationships but in life in general.  Lovers, friends and family will disappoint you so always be prepared to find a way to deal with it.  Learn from your experience and remember that you are not the first or the last one to experience this.  This too shall come to pass…

How have you dealt with heartbreak in the past?  How long did it take you to finally reach the point where you could bump into your ex and they will have zero effect on you?

Let’s talk about it, I would love to read your thoughts.

©MaKupsy 2018