My Battle With Suicidal Thoughts

In our African Culture suicide is something people don’t openly talk about.  I would like to believe there are people who have gone through what I used to go through but never told a soul or perhaps went on to carry out the act of suicide because they had no one else to turn to.  This is not an easy post for me to write because I know it will open old wounds and raise eyebrows but I feel it’s a story that needs to be shared and hopefully help someone who is probably contemplating suicide.

I have three close friends and I have told them about my battle with suicide thoughts.  It wasn’t something I just woke up one morning and decided to share with them; I had to make sure I could trust them with my dark side and have confidence that they would not ridicule me…I have always been a neat freak.  The state of my house reflects the thoughts in my head.  If I am in a happy and healthy space my house is sparkling clean.  If I am upset and overwhelmed then as you can expect my house will be an actual mess.

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Image from Pinterest

However, there was a time being a neat freak was not only about keeping my house clean.  It was my way of preparing to leave.  Why was I sticking around anyway, no one loved me, no one cared about me or believed in me so what wast the point of it all?  I thought to myself if I finally decide to end my life then at least people should come to a clean house and pack my things away without a hassle.

This happened to me for months on end. I would think about how I was going to go about it.  I walk to work and I cross a very busy street.  Some days I would contemplate throwing myself right in front of an oncoming car, other days I would think of jumping off from an office building and on the worst days I would think of getting run over by a train.  The one time I even asked my doctor friend if slitting my wrists would kill me.  I obviously asked in a round about way and when he told me it would send me straight to my death bed I had one more method to add to my list.  What made all these thoughts more real was all the suicide incidents that I would read about in the paper every other day and I would think to myself, why not; this will definitely end all my misery!  I was in a very dark space and what fueled these suicide thoughts were the obstacles that I kept facing; (heartbreak, unfulfilled dreams, low self esteem, no life purpose).  

The thing about suicidal thoughts is that you can’t go around telling people that’s what’s going on in your head incase they might think you have lost your marbles.  You will be fighting demons that you can’t see but can feel at every waking moment.  I had an injured soul and I took to many devices to try and cure it with no luck.  My friend used to complain about my “mood swings” not realising that they had more to do with my thoughts more than anyone in particular.  I could go for weeks, months on end without wanting to speak to her and some of my friends.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I withdrew from social media platforms, I even stopped going out but took to drinking alcohol instead to numb my thoughts.

From my experience suicidal thoughts come with depression which is unfortunately not acknowledged in our culture.  Tell most people that you are depressed and they will tell you to get over it.  I know you are reading this probably asking yourself why I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through.  Well, I did actually but I didn’t tell them the full details. What I got in return was “It’s a phase it will pass.”  Unfortunately this phase stuck with me from College days till just a few years ago when the suicidal thoughts finally left and set me free.

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Image from Pinterest

I would be lying if I tried to give you a formula on how to get rid of that heavy feeling you feel around your chest.  The thoughts of how you are worthless and how you are not serving any purpose on this earth.  The thoughts that suicide will make things right for you.  I don’t have that because for me I just woke up one morning and the dark cloud that had been hovering above me was gone.  I think whatever it was realised that it was putting me through unnecessary pain because with each day I was becoming more and more disinterested in life and I could hardly recognise myself.

Suicide is real.  I have seen friends take their lives over a heartbreak, people throw themselves off a building because of financial stress and wives burn themselves to death after finding out about their husband’s infidelity.  Before I experienced suicidal thoughts I mocked them and thought to myself who in their right minds would end their lives over things that could be fixed? I hadn’t walked in their shoes and it was easy for me to judge them.  I didn’t know that sometimes the thoughts in your head can be so bad you have to find a way to run away from them and suicide may be the only way out.  Now I understand that some people, me included will go through and have gone through some dark phases in their lives and unfortunately for some they will not live to tell their story but for the lucky few you get a chance at life again.

I am thankful that I never went through any attempt to commit suicide.  It all ended in my head.  Had I gone through with it I would have never had the chance to see my beautiful little girl.  I would have not seen how much of a positive and determined individual I have become and I would not have had the chance to write this and share this with you.

I am generally a bubbly individual. I have great days and not so great ones but my life experience so far has made me realise that we are all going through something.  It’s easy for us to forget to be kind to the next person but if you can be good to those around you.  You never know the difference your encouraging words or smile can alter their entire day.  Your positive energy may the the one reason they won’t go ahead and commit suicide.

In most cases of suicide a person doesn’t want to die they just want to stop the pain.

©MaKupsy 2017

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30 thoughts on “My Battle With Suicidal Thoughts

  1. I can relate to this. You are a strong individual because you can face it and talk about it. I am struggling and I suffer on my own coz people generally think you are being dramatic when you reach out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading Jessie. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. It’s not a pleasant place to find yourself in but just know it will get better.
      I have learnt to face my demons, that’s the only way they can never come back into my life.

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  2. Aiwha ka askana… please don’t delete! You never know who might read this and realize they are not alone. I am saying this because when I shared my experiences and attemps with suicide it was crazy town! I was flooeded with the why didnt you say something and all that jazz. But then one lady I learnt with saw my testimony and told me something made her think of me that day and that was they day I shared my testimony. If I had not posted or shared it and had she not glanced in that moment she would have comitted suicide that day.

    .R.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, imagine that! If you had kept it to yourself she would have never stopped herself from doing something that was going to leave a lot of people heartbroken and with so many questions. I wanted to delete it because I didn’t think my readers would relate to my experience but with the way my social media platforms have been filled with private messages is sign enough to keep it on my blog. Thank you for reading Rutendo 🙂

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  3. MaKupsy it’s as if some divine intervention prompted you to write this article. Today I even got my will done and ticked it off my things to do before I kill myself list. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud to anyone because the few I’ve tried to tell have told me I need to be more grateful since I “have it all going” in my life. As I read your article I felt like “that’s me right now.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh dear! I am so glad I wrote this then. I was skeptical because our society is quick to judge but from what I just read this post was a life saver and I am glad I was one of the reasons you are still here to share this with me. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here and I know what it feels like to have noone understand you. It will get better, I don’t know when or how but trust the process, this too shall pass.

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  4. Also remember that time I came and spoke at WCW ar Moto Republik? To this day I have no idea how the conversation went south and I ended up rondedzaring about suicide and aaaallll that. It didnt make sense at all because I think I was asked some really simple, random question then ndini uyo pane kuburukira pana 4th ndakaenda nawo muvhunzo kwakuburukira kuna Simon Mazorodze! Later that evening, one of the ladies who attended reached out to me and said that message was for her. I believe this is for someone… even if that someone is you

    .R.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I remember that day like it was yesterday. I thought to myself, I am certainly not the only one who has gone through this. I had never told anyone about my ordeal and sitting there watching and listening to you talk about it with so much ease made me realise it was one of the battles I needed to share with people so that they too will know they are not alone. I hope the lady who reached out to managed to fight her demons.

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  5. Thank you for sharing this, wow, i can relate in many ways, wow. That feeling that you felt suddenly lifted off, i know that feeling, that feeling was God saying to you and I, “I love you, I will not give up on you, I have got you”…I agree, as you grow, you will realise that troubles are part of the life journey. What matters is what you do when they come and the measure with which you allow them to disrupt your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I remember. I remember having a list of ways I would go as well and sometimes I float between this dark place and normalcy. My blog was my saving grace, I wanted to use it to cry out but I found healing instead. I could pretend the bad I was enduring was fiction, and that helped me brave it all and today I stand. I also looked for help and the people told others so they could have a good laugh.

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    • Thank you for reading dearest. I am happy to know that you found a space that brought back some sunshine into your life. It seems most people already have the thoughts of how to kill yourself well thought out. I really wish our culture had room for people to talk about their emotional problems. However, we make do with what we have and I hope this will be a starting point for people to share their sorrows. I understand drifting between the dark place and normalcy…it’s a difficult situation I sometimes find myself in.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Makupsy, I am so glad the devil and his demons did not succeed in stealing your soul. You had a purpose and you are leaving your purpose Mercy ❤️. See, it’s the devil’s ways…… making you feel worthless, making you feel unloved and feeling like you got nothing to live for. With God you know you are loved, you know you are worthy & have a purpose. Thank you for speaking out, this will definitely inspire someone. Your spirit is very strong and willed, I love that about you. Never ever be shaken or swayed by circumstances of life, remain steadfast and work on you & your dreams!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right Shingi. The devil wants you to give up when you have so much to live for. I haven’t always been this brave and strong willed. I think the moment I managed to fight a lot of my emotional battles it paved a new way of thinking for me. Thank you for always saying kind words and for the support, it’s actions like that keep me going. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I relate to this. I actually attempted suicide twice in my teens. No one knows up to this day that the bullying I went through in high school would have been the cause of my death if I succeeded. My testimony is meant to remind people to keep their mean thoughts to themselves. You might be straw that broke someone’s mental wellness back. I’m happy I failed and lived to have more doors opened for me by God

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so sorry to read that you attempted suicide. Kids can be really mean and do not realise the impact that their words have on a growing mind. But you braved it through and lived to tell the story. It’s a bad space to find yourself in and the less support you have the less likely it is for you to get past it. I am glad you are now in a happy place 🙂 Thank you for reading.

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    • Thank you for reading. The post helped me let go of past demons and it also had a few people open up to me. It’s probably the most impacting post I have written to date. Thank you for stopping by 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes they are and I’m happy to be alive and sharing my story. The black community assumes we are being “dramatic” when we try and address such issues. This is how we end up with so many black people committing suicide and wondering why they never spoke to anyone about it…

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Day 6: Women Creative Wednesday – RuTendo DeNise | MAKUPSY

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